Friday, April 23, 2010

The Puppy

The first thing to know about a puppy is that they have teeth. Little sharp teeth like those found on snakes but more so.

The next thing to know is that they pee. The pee alot. Every few hours in fact. They especially like to pee on carpets.

They also poop. They prefer pooping inside where it's warm and cozy but in time can be coaxed to poop outside. At first they are wholly indiscriminatee with teeth, urination and bowel movements. They keep doing this till you entice them with hypervigilance and treats to change their behaviour.

The next thing to know is that puppies bark. Little high pitched random barks unrelated to any apparent event but attracting the attention of building superintendants and nosy neighbours.

They also have a muling cry that makes passing strangers think that you are in some way hurting your puppy. The fact is your puppy merely wants to jump out of your arms and race after another dog right into a fast moving car. Puppies have an active death wish. They require constant attention from their owner.

Puppies have episodes of mania. These are euphemistically called 'Play Time'. They occur randomly but are certainly not to be missed at 3 in the morning. The reason they are not to missed is the aboved mentioned teeth and high pitched bark. Puppies have ways of getting your attention. If the teeth and bark don't work they resort to pee and poop.

Other adults will think the puppy cute. They goo goo and gaga in front of the puppy quite oblivious to the fact that you are watching them being absurb. It's hard to not forget the behaviour of adults who once seemed reasonably normal until they 'melt' before the 'charm' of your puppy.

Girlfriends will be especially impressed with the puppies of their boyfriends. The smart girlfriend hides her good shoes and leaves an old pair of shoes out that the puppy will find irrisistible.

This naturally leads to the boyfriend buying the girl friend a new pair of shoes.

A female cat can be easily confused by the appearance of a puppy. Hormones being hormones the puppy causes the cat to have some sort of maternal experience. This follows with the cat remembering regrettably that she has black outs when she eats catnip. Eventually she assumes she must have really laid one to have cohabitated with the father of such an ugly kitten. Mothers' being mothers she accepts the puppy as hers while swearing off catnip for life.

The puppy experience is not to be taken lightly. The care and feeding of a puppy is a testimony to a human's capacity for love and patience. Many an individual, male or female, will wisely have a puppy as a trial experience for having a human relationship. People who cannot bond with animals usually have even more problems bonding with humans. Such people would say that human relationships are more difficult. They probably have not had a puppy.

Others will use a puppy as a surrogate child. Many a couple can save children from divorce by fighting their custody battle over a puppy. There are definitely lawyers enterring law schools now with the sole intention of making life long careers specializing in puppy custody cases.

Puppies in addition to requiring food and water need a veterinarian. Veterinarians, normally called, Vets, are people who care for puppies who are sick. They also provide vaccines and have all manner of good advice about puppies. Vets are even more helpful than dog obedience instructors. Obedience instructors aim to teach puppy owners manners. Vets being more educated and subtle leave owners thinking the puppy was the patient. For that reason they are harder on the pocket book.

Puppy spelt backwards doesn't mean anything but one day a puppy becomes a dog. Dog spelt backwards is GOD. The puppy knows this. They are a whole lot smarter than you think.

The owner has to pick up the puppies poop. Pick up is only half the issue. It's the carrying it to the garbage can all the while the puppy is jumping up to reclaim the toy.

Pupplies like squeaky toys. These are the equivalent to a drum set for a teen ager. Few owners think these things through. Next you know puppies have even more acoustic advantage.

Finally, puppies are loveable. Puppies love to lick you under the chin and cuddle into your arm pit with their little back legs digging for purchase. Next thing you know you're doing googoo and gaga things. It happens.

No comments: