In the evening I’m exhausted. I take my Nikon Cool Pix P 1000 camera on walks with Gilbert. I like that my nephews are doing well. I saw Anna and the God Kids and they’re shooting up in size and their eyes are so much more alert and intelligent.
I have old patients like old neighbours. We’ve known each other over 20 years. It astounds me sometimes to consider all those years and the crisis and trauma we have passed through. I’m humbled by their thanks. I see new people as well. Mostly I’m seeing new folk but the old patients cycle back and it’s astonishing how much time has passed.
I have friends I’ve known 60 years and talking with them I feel like a kid again but wonder at the whole idea of time since we’ve changed but we’ve not changed. . I’m surprised that so many I know are in that over 50 zone while I continue to be in touch with younger folk, but they seem all like children to me and I’m afraid of being among aliens, people who don’t know the Beatles or the Kennedy Missile Crisis.
I’m always surprised at the parts of me that others know. I’m this leathered up biker guy with the Harley, the white coated clinician with stethoscope around his neck, the masked surgeon or the Harris Tweed jacket and jeans consultant specialist, the cammo clad hunter, the survival jacket and khaki shorts sailor, or the scuba guy spear fishing. I’m a bow hunter. I’m the photographer with computer gear who once lived in dark rooms inhaling chemicals that dripped from my hanging pictures and negatives. . I’m carrying tools that define me. I’m living in Campers and RV’s having left the mansions and homesteads. Each incarnation lingers.
I like the skirts and sandals. I like the feminine and sensitive. I seem be harkening back to the dancing days, a carefree time of the body, more hedonistic than spiritual, intellectual but always inquisitive. I wrote more then. I wrote about anima and animus. I’m weary of the burden of maleness. It’s likely with old age more estrogen is coursing through my system along with oxytocin and a variation on MAO that lessens my desire to defend and protect. All the women I’ve served and defended and protected and the media portrays us as the enemy.
I cycle back to the false accusations and the bullying by psychopathic women and their mobs of injustice, lying to cover up their lack of competence. I’m weary with the tokenism and the demands of the entitled insisting that I owe them. I loathe the marxist thugs with their fake intellectualism, the paranoid position of them and me. I want to walk down the streets in gossamer white clothing and sandals or canvas shorts and sailing vest. Instead today I feel like I need to wear body armour and would weapon up to face the criminals and activists but my government has disarmed me and has stabbed me in the back after decades of services. I empathize with the police and military and wonder why I served the elite by containing the dangerously insane and did my best to stop homicide and suicide and all the domestic violence since today the media and the mayors and the governors and my PM celebrate the violence.
I look at the policemen and women and feel sorry for them tooled up with all that tack of daily work. The weight they carry on their belts and the heavy vests they wear are just part of the toughness of their jobs. My back hurts from having a spine. I’m thankful today I sit in sarong before a computer unhampered by restrictive clothing. I long for the world of Heinlein when we’ d all ‘grok’ it. But here we are devolving or at least the media is, back to our feral roots.
It has been fun this weekend watching old Star Wars movies with Laura. Always reminds me to look to the STARS. NASA was such a meataphor for my growing up and my life of exploration. I remember medicine as always being ‘interesting and exciting”. I’ve enjoyed reading Science and Nature Magazine, Lancet and the NEJM remembering how for decades I read them weekly. I had a subscription when I was at the university decades back. Then I read the Economist and psychiatry reading took precedence . I ‘d studied all the medicine of family practice and surgery, then read all the texts of community medicine then the greats of psychiatry and neuroscience. For decades I never listened to the radio but always listened to medical grand rounds from around the world on cassettes and CD’s. I loved long drives with coffee and education . Then I returned from psychotherapeutics and hypnosis to psychopharmacology and addiction. More diplomas, more classrooms and more exam and added on a decade of doing theological studies and nights upon nights at the universities.
We’ve watched the Prequels of Star Wars and somehow that brought back the dreams of space exploration, the countless science fiction books I’d read as a pre teen and teen. I loved anthropology too then and my favourite teen science fiction was a blue suited couple who searched for old technology of ancient races. The cover course that first year of college, I was touched most by was biology even though I was in arts and was going to be a playwright. Now I’m still interested in writing and acting and all the world of multiple expressions and multiple personalities. The parts we played. When I write stories I am the characters. I remember Dickens wearing props to help him stay in character, a scarf for a character, a hat for another.
Laura and I then watched Mel Gibson, one of my all time favourite actors and directors. I loved his role as a retired policeman with the beautiful daughter in an amazing script with twists and turns and bad guys all set against the backdrop of New Orleans hurricane. “Force of Nature” movie night with Me & Ed’s Godfather Pizza and Laura and Gilbert. A wonderful evening. Such a great movie! Such good company.
SiOnyx Aurora Pro is a color night vision scope. I bought my first night vision equipment when the Russian Military scope became available. It was the green head gear which I wore backwoods hunting and could see how it would allow me to shoot game or people at night because the movement was readily available as blobs. But there was little acuity. I had night vision scopes for off shore sailing and it was helpful in identifying ships. I saw one freighter come down on me with the pilot asleep in his command chair. That certainly increased my efforts to get out of his track. He’d not responded to my VHF calls. The night vision scope certainly clarified the problem, albeit too close for comfort.
The SiOnyx Aurora Pro is the best available to date. I discussed it with my tech savy astronomer, photographer, cinematographer, engineer nephew and was delighted to learn he’d been following the scientific sensor development. I’m glad I have it for wilderness camping, hunting and sailing. It’s also a video and still camera which will give Graeme joy when he gets his but I confess I’m not as excited by those aspects as the expansion of my awareness. I fell in love with microscopes and binoculars as a kid and the experience never dulls.
Now I’m wondering if I should wear a dress to my hair appointment. Do not go gentle into that still night! Rage. Rage. Against the dying of the light!. I have all the girl “friends’ who are having fun in their older age and the guys more often are on the couch. Thankfully my motorcycle and RV friends are still into adventure and exploration. But my body hurts too I don’t judge my older friends who’d rather be on the couch than wearing high heels. It’s been years since I wore high heels. Laura has ordered some wedgies. She’s 4 foot 11 inches so when age made high heels more difficult for her she was vertically challenged even more. At 6 feet wearing high heels gave me that stork like appearance of ichibod crane in drag. The couch and hot tub and bed all have their immense appeal for me today. I take kindness wherever I can find it. Yet I delight in the hair appointment and pedicures too. I”d get more tattoos if I didn’t have to avoid water for a week. Something about art and the feminine. If I was independently wealthy in the age of covid , I’d garden and raise donkeys on a converted air craft carrier with space travel conversion that I mostly anchored off my favourite tropical island.
It’s as new day and I’m very grateful. Yesterday was rainy and moody. The Service Department at Holeshot Motorsports were dishonest and incompetent and the day which was just supposed to be picking up a motorcycle devolved down to male to male confrontation because they had told me to pick up my bike and I’d arrived and it wasn’t ready and in that pathetic way they tried to accuse me of not having been called to come in when I was. I was put out and they played the victim. Even blaming me for being upset in that increasingly common borderline and narcissistic gas lighting defence. Laura was upset because she was put out and I just felt castrastrated and demasculinized ,because all the normal male things I’d do, like punch the likely alcoholic little power administrator in the nose, I’d let go of 50 years ago. I’ve spent a life being civilized and obeying the law and following the rules. When I was a young I was adept in defence and martial arts, physically fighting off gangs in wayward places, rescuing damsels in distress, being stabbed for my efforts and shot at too many times. Now the police which I used to love, areno longer protecting me, themselves increasingly taking early retirement and all working to ‘rule’ due to the the corruption of the government. The RCMP, our national police are beneath an unethical PM, corrupt to the core, criminally servicing himself and his family with characteristic eastern Canada cronyism, while filling our streets with ISIS and Communist Chinese, taking away our guns and making it increasingly illegal for us to protect our lives, our property, our loved ones. I was at a point where I thought I could rest on my laurels, have a massage and bubble bath, but here were men like this bullying me and frankly I ‘m weary of that. I know I stand up to such guys physically over and over again when they did their ‘Mano or mano’ cocks displays and 99% of the time backed down without me having to kick them in the head. But I’m too old today and don’t have any investment in that silliness. I think at times now I wasted my life being a doctor as serving as it was. As a guy I should have left medicine and everything else to the girls while I studied law and weapons because that’s all that counts today, where the guys with money have men with guns and daily strip all the rest of the men of everything while the women lose the battle. I used to say Churchill beat Hitler but Eva Brawn beat Mrs Churchill. The democrat female mayors and governors all let the bullies rage for weeks and days. More percentage of women voted for Trudeau and like central socialist government if the person in charge is pretty. My gay friends seem like them to not know the history of communism and dictatorships. Ironically these friends allign with political parties here who allign with African and Middle eastern countries, thoroughly into 19th century war and business male modes , with gays denounced and stripped. Meanwhile I love the conservative women and admire them and have always known the greatest female doctors, half my class being women and outstanding. I have this broad network of relationships, love the tension of opposites, stand in the middle and watch extremists all around me believe they are tolerant and understanding, and middle of the road.
So the whole area of race and gender has distracted the world from colonization of Mars and the development of a personal Harley hover craft for me. Drones are fine but I’d like to be able to fly like I ride my Harley. Maybe I’d like a skirt and scooter. It a changing thing. I loved being in Rome with Laura on the back of the Vespa touring churches .I love holy places. I am afraid today of disease and war and my declining physical capability. I think like my friends of moving to the US where there are so many states which still have freedoms as Canada goes quickly the way of Venezuela. I miss freedom of speech and the other freedoms. Every time I speak now and when I write I know that someone is offended. The offended are always like predators looking for their next victim. Like zombies running in mob masses with the screams . ANTIFA and the Marxist BLM and the Jihadi’s. I think of myself as gender fluid and can’t see why so many creative people have been so deluded by the marketing. It’s right out of the Goebbels , Reich Minister of propaganda play book. It’s the same book Lenin and Trotsky used. All they do is sell ‘hate’ while claiming to be against hate. The same ‘useful idiots’ were fooled by the ‘Peacemissile’ in the omnibus bills. I’m jaded by it all
I like to light incense and remember patoula oil haze,youth and the gorgeous half naked women of the era of peace, dance and theatre. Free love. We said . And Bobby Magee , Freedom’s just another world for nothing left to lose’. We were poor and laughed and our parents had worked hard through the fifties after the wars of the 40’s and here we were hippies, long hair and girlish ways making fun of soldiers which our fathers and grandfathers had been. Gender . Amazon women today , a minority.
Feminism -imitation of men and denigration of mothers celebrfating abortion, the great killing. War on babies. What Cowards!
I am here still convincing people to not kill themselves, walking them back from the edge, going down worm holes of the mind to bring them back. Giving them drugs that don’t kill them. Telling them they aren’t the enemy.
I’m going to have another cup of coffee. I roasted some green beans yesterday and it’s so tasty made right after I grind it. Decadent.
Thank you Lord for all the ‘stuff’ of my existence today, the friends and family, the memories and the weekends. Thank you for Gilbert and help him live despite his heart and lung disease. Please keep my family and friends safe and help me to be more sensitive and caring and capable. Help us all get beyond Covid safely and don’t let the Communist Chinese win this dirty covert war trick.And whatever conspiracy theory is the flavour of the month, you are in charge Lord, and may I always find your loving face in the peek a boo of existence.
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