July 30, Thursday, Gilbert, Covid

I like waking in the early morning.  Gilbert climbed onto the bed his breathing laboured coughing to keep blood flowing through his damaged heart.  He licked my throat. His warm little body nestled against me, chest heaving, rasping coughing breath.  I recoiled from the disease and death. He could be contagion and I’d let him cuddle knowing he is comforted by my presence. Inside I’m praying.  I’d just been dreaming fondly of that other place and time. A slice of heaven. A bit of the CS Lewis many mansions.  Now i was fully awake and thinking it best i get out of bed and let him out.  His breathing and heart work better when he’s had a morning pee.  The furosemide fills his bladder as his thirst increases.  I’m semi naked.  I’m thankful for the tolerance of my neighbours.  Gilbert bounds outside. I love to see the movement. He’s like a puppy at times.  His laboured breathing and coughing has me wondering at times if he will make it through the night.  Then he runs to the bushes to lift his leg and I know he’ll be alright for another day.  

He doesn’t come to the call. I know he’s old and has his own ways.  He’s also become intuitive almost telepathic.  I put on my robe to follow him outside. Sometimes he sneaks over to the neighbours to poop.  But now he’s come back. He’d just walked to the front where a dog friend was passing with the neighbour.  She likes to walk here dog early before the Kamakazi cyclists with their arrogance and righteousness begin to bombardier down the paths terrorizeing the dogs and walkers.  I’m irritated but it’s karma. I was a cyclist and now I drive a Harley.  The path we all walk our dogs needs to be calmed but it’s Covid.  The number of people in the park has multiplied 10 fold. I like to walk Gilbert carrying my camera and watching for birds. My fascination these days, is, little birds.  In earlier incarnations as a photographer i was interested in big birds but now I’m finally interested in little birds. I didn’t know there were so many types.  

It gets one out of oneself.  I remember Scotty telling me to get a wildflower good and learn the names of the flowers around the city.  He said, ‘you think too much’.  That was also a line in Paul Simon song about him going to a psychiatrist who told him that.  It helps to know flowers and birds.  I like that my nephew is knowing stars.  I feel sad at the tv and media trash people know then marvel at the people who love the discovery channel and history channel.  So often they’re not academics but regular tradesmen and workers. Like the mechanics and plumbers who love opera. I admire them.

When i came into the living room this morning after bringing Gilbert back in I marvelled at the softness of the morning light. Turning on a light to make my Ethiopian coffee had been harsh. The soft light reminded me of San Francisco when I lived there and loved.  I so enjoyed the mornings when I’d have a coffee and prepared to study for my American medical exams.  Buffet’s. “Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes ‘ comes to mind.  San Francisco is just 1500 km south but just that distance makes the climate gentler.  I’m here in the north on the west coast enjoying the summer.  I miss the time I lived in Mexico.  I fear the winter here.

Covid has me anxious about breathing. I had such a bad winter flu it may have been Covid. I couldn’t breathe  A couple of days of that sudden reminder that life is breath.  Holy Spirit come to me I pray in meditation. I would love to avoid the winter season here with the cold and rain. It’s mild compared to the East. I grew up in Winnipeg and worked in Churchill.  Now I’m weary of the harshness of weather. I even struggle to get excited about coming hunting season.  I like loose clothing and sandals.  I used to love the prospect of tough encounters with nature, struggles with wind and sea and mountains. But my back hurts. I like hot tubs and soft clothing. I imagine how much I’d love to be in Arizona for the winter. I loved the dry heat in Phoenix.  I always feel like leaving Vancouver and the west coast rain forest that mould is dying in my lungs and sinuses when I hit the heat and dry. I love the interior, Clinton,  high range country, the clear air.  

I’m very thankful for my life.  I ve everything I need here.  I would like my dog to be well and my body to be younger and less wracked with pain. We are companions and the suffering isn’t much.  I so enjoy the coffee with honey and milk.  Soon I’ll be loving a hot water shower. Then the dog and i will walk in the woods. He’s blind and likes to sniff things while I look.  Later I’ll work virtual.  He’ll sleep mostly comforted by my presence.  I’ll be surprised that I’m of use.  I’m thankful for the work but it’s so stressful. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.  The days are long and the years of struggle weigh on me at times.  I’m still on the frontlines and carry such resentments to the back benches arrogant and supercilious.  It’s my cross, the fear where love and forgiveness are needed.  I like when my mind reacts to the soft light with memories of other times of pleasantness.  I love when my dreams are peaceful and friendly and not of the nails scraping window panes anxiety that people bring to me and I examine.  Make me a channel of your peace I pray to Jesus.  Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ to the right of me. Christ to the lett of me. Each day i reflect on ST. Thomas too.  The doubting Thomas who walked all the way from Israel to India sharing stories of the Messiah.  

Now I’m ready for the next part of the day.  Thank you Lord for the myriad of blessings.  I’m so thankful。