Long Beach, California, Day 11

Thank you God for this day. Thank you God for restorative sleep. Thank you God for Madigan. Thank you God for the sunshine and warmth. Thank you God for this mobile Adcnturer Camper, F350 Truck and Vespa GT.  Thank you God for the Golden Shores RV Park.  Thank you God for the marine walk.  Thank you God for Laura braving Vancouver rainy winter. Thank you God for my family in the east. Thank you God for Peter and Larry who are here in this park and told me about it years ago.  Thank you God for the Marine walk and Light house Walk. Thank you God for Long Beach and the stores like Vons , Star buck, Ace Hardware, 5 sports, Supersuds laundry.  Thank you for the tranquility here.  

Thank you for this day.

I am thankful too for work, I am glad to still be of service,  Yesterday was my first full day after travelling south. I had an early morning walk and with Peter, Luka and Bella, the Hacannese girl, we did the Lighthouse Marina walk.  Later at night I swam in the pool and had a hot tub. I read rather than watching tv last night. The Brutal War, British naval historical fiction of the Hawke ship.in day of Nelson and Napoleon.  I did watch a little 1944, a subtitled movie of the Estonias in the war when half the men were conscripted to the Red Army and the other half to thee German Army due to invasions , Neighbours fighting neighbours, I’m thankful that Canada has in my lifetime avoid war on our soil,

After the swim last night I had a shower and enjoyed the new shampoos Sharine recommended after she cut my hair.

Pretty mundane stuff.  With the stresses reduced I actually stop and breathe, smelling the ocean shore scents.  I was taken back to the bad year, the third divorce,m and the ex’s addiction and ny abstinence and  return to church and the road to recovery.  I’m thankful for all the healers and mentors I met along the way. Walking into the Atlantic Alamo Club I saw so many in early recovery while there were a glowing few in longer term success based on thier serenity.  The early recovery folk with anxious and starting back from the detour that clearly didn’t pan out. It was a Crystal Meth Aonymous Meeting. I felt the tension and palpable anxiety and anger of early recovery and thought this is the world of ‘yes’s.  We say I haven’t done that ‘yet’.  I didn’t do CM and even crack wasn’t available when I stopped drinking wine and priding myself on being a connosier. Ironically I stopped smoking marijuana because it thought its  against the law and I should not be breaking the law when I abhorred hypocrisy.  Yet I couldn’t stop smoking, tobacco.,  I’d tried marijuana instead of tobacco but only smoked both. I’d stop for several months and only start up again when I was having a drink and the compulsion to have ‘just one’ smoke would come over me  It was only when I was months clean and sober that I began to appreciate how tobacco, marijuana and alcohol had become so much apart of my life,

10 per cent of Canadian consume 80% of alocohol.  Like most who think they ware social drinkers I was more than that. I only ate at restaurants that served wine. I smoked daily. I liked to smoke cannolis at sea because it really did help with sea sickness.  The trouble is that the rule of ‘more’ progressed.  I went from drinking a glass or two of wine on a Friday night with my partner to drinking a bottle or two of wine.  All my friends, mostly yuppies and established people were like me drinking wine and having an occasional toke,  

Now I don’t have friends who drink or smoke.  

I used to be cynical and not I’m optimistic. I used to go to bed late. Now I’m up early and this morning was up to watch the beauty of dawn.

I’m really blessed.  I really wante to know God back then but I was turning further away. In recovery I’ve had a true adventure in the art of getting high.  Alcohol is a depressant.  Life is its own high. I enjoy the adventures I know to day and the company I keep.  I am really so thankful.  I’m blessed to be parts of recovery groups and church and family and work.  I’m very thankful

I’m glad Trudeau has resigned.  He was so arrogant, acted like a sociopath and seemed to be impaired with drugs or alcohol or hung over. He didn’t look or sound well but I guess that was me in my last year of work, Looking back now I can see the problem but not then.  Now I’m truly blessed to know the freedom I know today.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you God.  Thank you Higher Power,  Thank you God of Gods. Thank you light.  Thank you Yahweh.  Thank you 

Long Beach, California, Day 10

I walked Madigan before I sat down to prayer and meditation. The good news was hearing from Laura when I was making coffee, Trudeau is resigning today. She said “your brother will be smiling in heaven’.  I feel he will.  He said he couldn’t stand more years of Trudeau having survived his father.  Trudeau was elected and my brother died.  I miss him, My brother, not Trudeau.  Polar opposites. My brother a straight shooting, good man, compared to Trudeau the lying weasel.  My father hadn’t like Pierre Trudeau when I was a liberal and today seeing the economic destruction Trudeau policy has made and the decline in law and order and horrendous corruption I have learned older what they both knew younger

Trudeau has resigned,  Ding dong, The Witch is Dead! 

It’s a beautiful sunny warm day and I have a wonderful view of the water from the Golden Shores RV Park.  I’m working virtual today and am sorry I have to notify the clinic I won’t be able to work Thursday as I have to move on but I will contact those I couldn’t see on the weekend once I’m in a new campground. I’m leaning towards Salton Sea campground on the way to Yuma where I’ve been heading.  I was glad to stop here and have a break because the 5 days of driving were exhausting.  This week of holidays has been wonderful in Long Beach.  It was great to meet up with Peter and Larry with their dogs Bella and Luka, Madigan’s best friends.  Dog walking excursions along the sea wall and Lighthouse park have been lots of fun.  My job in life is to entertain my dog,

I’ve loved my Vespa.  It’s turned out to be the perfect vehicle to run errands and get about I could aasily come back here on the return if there was vacancy. I was very fortunate to get the vacancy I did on a cancellation,  This is obviously the most popular time.  I’ve met several people who come every year in the last decade.  

Yesterday I attended St. Luke’s Episcopal Church and will gladly return.  I enjoyed the MOLAA - Museum of Latin American Art.  

I’m filled up on supplies at Vons having run out of my daily yoghurt so bought a shopping cart of food that was hard to find storage space for.  My freezer is full but I thought I ‘m not sure where I ‘m travelling to and might not have access to some of the things I like. 

After I thought I ‘d visit the Atlantic Al Anon Club near Redondo.  I didn’t look at the meeting schedule well and sat down for a CMA meeting.  I was asked to read a page on Tweakng. I thought this was an ass movement but it turned out to mean those dabbling.  I realized then this wasn’t AA and learned from the very pleasant fellow behind me it was Crystal Meth Anonymous.  I know Crystal Meth is a huge problem and addiction is addiction, ‘pluck the log out of your own eye before you try to take the sliver out of another’s’.  Well, I couldn’t help but think of the joke, It’s sad not to see children bicycling anymore as only Meth addicts are on bicycle.  Well, unbelievably shameful. I left worried my little Vespa would be stripped in the parking lot .  How predjudice works and stigma.  My Vespa was fine and I was thankful that seeing that I was able to talk at the door with a couple of fine regular guys who where acting as greeters. What an amazing group of people working to get better and improve their lives. 

Maybe next time I’ll stay and learn more.  I came home to Madigan and walked him thankful for sobriety , the gift of recovery, and this wonderful life I have today with good friends and the ability to be here in Paradise with my little companion Madigan.  

I’ll make  another coffee and settle down to virtual service.  I’m thankful I’m still able to help .

Thank you God. 

This morning.

Museum of Latin American Art (MOLAA)

What a remarkable little museum and art gallery.  The sculpture garden definitely extends it I confess I expected more traditional nature but while there was some of that it was mostly modern cutting edge art not dissimilar to pieces I’ve seen in MONA. What was most fascinating was the interest in latest scientific understanding or perception or the advances in the science of colour. The artists were doing as Michelanagelo and da Vinci had done in their experession of the scientific understanding of reality and connection,  I really did enjoy that aspect of the exhibitions.  The use of neurology and then the simplicity of form elsewhere and what looked at first like simple native dress turned out to be a collection of messages.

I felt good walking about the exhibit. Uplifted. Inspired.. Hopeful.  I enjoyed the sculpture garden too.  But what a lovely space.  The gift store was just perfect too. All all those who worked in the museum so friendly and helpful,  What a fine experience.  I would recommend it for any tourist to Long Beach. The exhibits change but overall it’s just an elegant celebration of creativity and life.

St. Luke’s Episcopal Church, Long Beach, California

What a wonderful church!  I read online that the mission is inclusive.  I had such a positive experience with Christ Church Cathedral and Rev Peter Elliott and my present church St. Barnabus with Rev Emilie Theresa Smith.  It has English and Spanish services. There seemed a wide range of attendees.  Young and old and more men than in some churches.  They reported on line special services friendly to dogs, like St. Francis animal blessing but I wasn’t as welcoming as the United Methodist Church. In Long Beach.  I considered that and have attended Methodist in the past. It’s like the United Church of Canada.  I actually considered leaving Madigan as he can be a distraction.

Today he was a good boy and was most interested in a labradoo/standard poodle sort of gentleman dog who watched him and a couple of times barked, once in greeting, to Madigan, the obvious new comer.   I’d forgotten ny hearing aids but the sound system was good enough that I felt I followed most.  I really liked the choir. Classical hymns  Lovely voices.  Anglicans/Episcopaleans are to my mind the best choirs for traditional English Christian music.  Today they sang We Three Kings and it was marvellous.  Obviously the Baptists, Pentecostals,  Evangelicals have the best contemporary Rock and Roll Christian music. I love the blues and rocking services with the big screen showing the words and everyone singing along 

The sermon was that mix of Bible and present day messages.  I really liked the clergy.  Father Antonio Gallaro and Father Yohanes Corbiellas were presiding

The peace was fine, people shaking hands and hugging, no longer the covid flashing the peace sign and keeping distances. There were a few, probably just having a cold that day, wearing masks but everyone else was family community. I enjoyed shaking hands.  Glad handing.  Some gentle touches others robust.  What a good feeling church it was. Madigan likes the “peace’ and glad sniffs all who come near.  He thinks this is the best part of the service, not those other parts where people are quiet and praying He can be impatient at those times.  

While I forgot my hearing aids, I remembered to take some American money for offering. All I ‘ve been using this trip is my TD American dollar credit card.  Interestingly they actually had a QR code for electronic contribution on the program.  Back home I write a cheque. There’s a tax deduction.   I did enjoy just putting cash in the basket the ushers brought round.  

The church is what city planners call ‘third space’ a place where you can gather, socialize and build community connections.  I think of it as a place where you don’t have to keep spending money to sit.  The park is the classic third space.  I always enjoy walking into churches that are open and sitting for a tine of prayer and meditation.  I especially liked the Catholic Churches for this in Rome and Jerusalem.  This was that sort of comfortable space.  In Europe I often felt that I could spend the afternoon or morning after buying a coffee but that here in the American consumer hub I’m expected to keep spending money on the hourly meter to reserve my seat.  As a writer I like to set as I did as a student studying in the ‘outside’ where I could look up and see people.  I like the library for reading and studying too.  Another third space.  

St. Luke’s is wonderful architecture and beautiful stainglass. I loved that Jesus was praying above the alter. Everything about the church was appealing and uplifting.  

I am truly blessed to be a Christian and be part of the Christian community. I like being Anglican Episcopalian because I attend churches when I travel and have been able to got to Anglican/Episcopalean churches in Hong Kong, Ethiopia and Athens.  What’s fun too was that often I’d speak to a minister and they’d know my minister. That happened with Guam where the Episcopalian minister knew Peter Elliott.  Rev Emile is so apart of the Latin community I wouldn’t be surprised if the minister here who was bilingual too didn’t know her because they ar part of the Latin movement in the Episcopalian/Anglican church.  Emile worked and lived in Quatemala and continues to go back. 

650 E. 7th Street, Long Beach -502-436-4047 is the contact information,

I certainly would enjoy coming to this church when I leave the cold and wet of Vancouver winter to enjoy the Sunshine and blue sky of Long Beach.  

Thank you Jesus. 

Long Beach, California, Sunday , Day 9

Another lovely sunny day in Paradise.  I woke at 3 and then 7 having a good sleep and social dreams.  

We’ve walked and watched the sun rise over the bridge.  There is a little tent encampment, 3 or four with litter on the beach there.  A rough feeling place.  The park is the university Chancellor’s administration park.  Homelessness, poverty, criminality, lack of opportunity, drugs and alcohol, burnt bridges, lack of hope and future,  I’m planning on going to church and AA today. Both provide tremendous assistance to people in need but so often it’s the ego that ‘blames’ and ‘I’m the victim’ and “I want a free lunch”, and I want to do it my way though my way didn’t work

Dr. Bob had all the new comers to AA get down on their knees and pray for help, God of my understanding, something outside myself, not me.  

The idea of ‘bottom’ is readiness, willingness.

Motivational Therapy research has found that the vast majority of services offered people are wasted because the individuals seeking ‘help’ are really seeking ‘their own idea of what that is’.  Mostly money and ‘license’.  License is differentiated from Freedom because License removes accountability.  We are all free to do what we want but are held accountable for our actions.  Maturity from childhood to adult is learning the rules and understanding consequences.  If you don’t want to do the time, don’t do the crime.  

Motivation therapy divided individuals in the the following groups:

1 Precontemplatioon - these people don’t think they have a problem . Don’t with to change,  Don’t have a problem themselves with their behaviour. They often get angry if you suggest there is a problem. Millions of dollars and untild number of resources were criminally wasted on ‘do goofing’, ‘same old, same old’ , ‘makes me feel good and like I’m doing something’ but has no effect and no change, The person is not at their ‘bottom’.  The idea of a bottom wasn’t anything stereotypical. It’s just the point on the down elevator a person wants to get off.  It’s the depth one digs that says it’s deep enough for a grave. It’s the point of being lost where one may consider the map.

2. Contemplation - this is the phase at which a person might be willing to consider their path and wonder if maybe they’re going the wrong way. This is when a person is willing to take direction. Most people think their problem is unique.  As a doctor I’ve seen this with every symptom. It’s sometimes the source of black humor.,  A person with a fractured limb saying they don’t need a cast or surgery, ‘isn’t there just a pill or herb’.  I don’t need to go to AA they say I just need to drink a little less beer or wine.  The trouble is all the excuses have been heard ,  All of the attempts made.  People are forgiven immensely.  When a family or a community says no today it’s usually after multiple trials.  The ‘enablers’ in society are generally utterly ignorant of human behaviour yet perceive themselves as authorities.  I’ve always maintained that these people who are the obvious ‘critics’ should be obligated to take people into their home,  They are the absolutes masters of telling other people what to do while being the greatest hypocrities.  They are a serious problem in the politician class and in business have increasingly been identified and dealt with.  In corporate board room these ‘critics’ are told they can’t ‘criticize’ without offering an alternative.  Problem solving is no longer emotional knee jerk response,  With people with problems we will commonly make lists of what has been tried.  How did that work for you?  Ultimately the idea is a do something ‘different’ and ‘new’ or ‘better’.  With alcoholism people will commonly describe ‘initial success’.  In disease treatment we think that the medication was stopped too soon or not high enough dose.  If one is to return to AA after a relapse it helps to have  some change and some plan to handle whatever occurred to cause the relapse.  

3. Determinations - is a plan.  This is best achieved with another and written down.  It’s the foundation of behaviour change of all kinds done with doctors.  Patient says they plan to exercise more,  skipping lunch, and the ‘accountability’ measure which works is being asked ‘how is that plan working’ in a week or month.  So often people needs a ‘coach’.  In AA this is called a sponsor.  One on one is the best though most expensive form of treatment and education.  Apprenticeship and mentorship all work on this basis.  

4. Action - a person is participating in a new change behaviour that to have significant benefits.  Healing is now understood to have a length of recovery.  After a fracture 6 weeks of immobility are beneficial for healing. After a wound is sutured the stitches aren’t removed for a week to 10 days usually.  There are always exceptions.  The joke is the instructions on a parachute are just suggestions.  Changing a serious habit (bad habit, addictions) first takes a week, then a month, then a season, then a year.  The relapse rate after a year of change truly significant, something like 30% while 3-5 years results in over 50% success and in cancer is called ‘remission’.  Doctors and pilots who had addiction are generally no longer required to have urine monitoring.  Probation in the jail system takes into account the same stats for ‘behaviour change’.  

The success and cure are known but the problems persist because of ‘enablers’ and the lowering of the bar.  Homelessness was addressed in the 50’’s and resulted in the ghetto. There is a long history of ‘solutions’ that worked for a while. Today ‘harm reduction’ is a consideration, In cancer therapy there is ‘curative’ therapies and ‘palliative care. Abstinence cures the problem while ‘harm reduction’ is the equivalent of ‘palliative care’.  The question is resource management and immense resources are being given today to harm reduction and the question arises regarding public funding. Should we be paying doctors and nurses to be bar tenders and drug pushers or should that money be spent on cardiac surgery where there are proven results.  The element of choice is removed in the jail system and it’s been very successful to address recurrent noncompliance and relapses in behaviour with injectable antipsychotics and injectable suboxone.  The sober living communities and Elizabeth Fry Society solutions and AA are all effective and work.  The question is already whether or not a person is ‘ready’ to change’ has found their ‘bottom’ or wants to continue to drive on a dark night down a dark road any further before checking the GPS

Humility remains the number one problem and that’s an issue of spirituality as well.

Golden Shores, Long Beach, LA, Day 8

It’s 3 pm and I’ve had quite a full day. I was up at 7 and in a meeting at 8 am.  Cyberdocs.  Good fun celebrating Terry and Jake. I shared with Tommie my sense of isolation. She’d shared a passage about the feeling of loneliness.  I do feel terminally unique at times and on the top of perfectionism and control . I shared that as Jesus walked on water  I felt I should l be able to levitate but having little faith tried to do this on land. I was informed God made planes for that purpose so I should focus on being a good person.  I’m thankful I can share these thoughts here. 

After I did some working phoning people , talking to them, renewing prescriptions. I also paid my College dues and doctors dues and let a note with CMPA.  I  was exhausted by process but felt good to be 

conscientious. I let Madigan have a sniff treat walking around the off leash dog area.

After I walked Madigan.  Then I met Peter taking Bella and Luka for the longer street house walk  It was a lovely walk by the marina with folks lying on the lawn. Generally a positive vibe   I really enjoyed walking with Peter and the dogs. 

It’s a lovely sunny day Laura said she looked at the weather for here and it was sunny all week. In the morning there’s a chill but at noon it’s been actually hot. I sat outside and read on my new rocking chair.

Then I was out on the Vespa with an empty propane tank. I had it filled at Pacific and Amalita.  On way b ack I picked up clean and folded laundry.  I was looking a bit Cambodian only ride back on he scooter,, 

We finished off Costco chicken when I got home. I topped this off with a slice of the best of the best Anna Bustard’s pumpkin loaf. Just like the scarf she knit me one year felt like Mom , her fancy bread tastes like Mom.  Good feeling and thoughts of the season.  Earl Grey tea with honey finished off a fine home body meal.  

I  strapped the empty propane tank on the back seat of the Vespa and set out to get get that filled and bring back my laundry from Supersuds. It was a nice little trip with all the focus on bungee cord binding.

Back home I had a nap. I just took Madigan for a walk around the park so I could go to the hot tub. If I have any energy left over I’d like to make it to the Latin American Museum of Art this evening for a walk through.  He’s had attention and time off so an hour or so evening out would be too disturbing for the little guy.

It’s been a fine day.  Really a very fine day. I’m immensely thankful for this day.  

Thank you God. 

 

Peter, Luka, Bella and Madigan on light house walk

Training to be a Cambodian scooter driver

Golden Shores, Long Beach, day 7

i woke at 4 am. It’s not unusual.  I drank a bottle of Perrier water just before bed.  I’d been watching an Equalizer movie, with a black woman and girl and white bad guys.  I liked the action.  I’d to had the tv out and off the wall but today I had device from Best Buy that would allow my AirPods Pro #2 to work with the tv.  I thought my neighbours would appreciate if I find a solution to my deafness. I don’t like wearing my hearing aids for tv.  They cost me $8000 so I only like using them for work and special occasions, I take them off at home when I put on sweat pants and t shirts to relax.  I ronically I don’t feel so protective of the AirPods and was hoping to use them. 

The Equalizer movie was Diversity and Inclusivity but I couldn’t help but wonder when we’d progress out of the Marxist aetheist revolutionary model of the 19th Century because I’m watching the roller dex go round and waiting for Inuits to star with Cree aboriginal as the enemics.  There’s one Inuit heavy metal band but so far no Inuit play girl.  That rolly poly look isn’t conducive to the Hollywood plastic surgery syndicate.  

This morning it was the fog horns I’d had my electric heater give up the ghost yesterday and I’d replaced it with an industrial one from Long Beach Ace.  I worried that was making this sound because it’s turning on and off synchronized at times with the fog horns. I only realized it was a fog horn when I opened the door and couldn’t see.  White pea soup.  Now here I am, a sailor and I didn’trecognise the fog horns.  I was pleased i wasn’t’ something wearing and tearing in my unit.  

I’ve a laundry bag full to drop to be done.  There’s laundry here but I’m happy to have this bag last weeks travel clothes all done. I may use the local laundry if I’m staying longer There are a few empty sites but I’m only booked here till the 9th, a day I’m working. I’d like to book another 2 weeks leave on a Friday when I’m not working. Less disruption.  I’d like to go on to the Salton Lake for provincial camp ground camping for a week or too. I’d like to go to Yukon for a dental cleaning and visiting Algodones.  I’d like to go to Rosario too if I get the courage to travel into Mexico and stay at the RV park there.  Right now I’m tired still from the ride down.  It’s pretty exhausting and lots of adapting. I liked arriving here , seeing folk I knew and settling into a safe and recognized routine. I’m not sure I want to face Spanish, I’ve studied it all my life but am so poor at it.  Using it would help and when I feel less tired from the changes I might well have the courage to move on.  

I’m enjoying this morning. I wanted to be up at 8 am because I have a Cyberdocs meeting.  However, that’s on Saturday and today’s Friday , something I realized when I couldn’t connect on zoom  At least I’d walked him first thing and he’d had a poop.  He had another little accident in the night at the door which is related to all the chicken he ate yesterday and that while he was out riding on the Vespa and having little walks he’d not had enough of a long walk . If I’d taken him to the park I expect he’d have pooped but I just took him around the RV park and he met other dogs and it was novel and he just didn’t have time to poop.  I suspect the fog horns might have bothered him as well.  I think he tried to wake me but I ignored him so thanks to Lysol wipes I was able to address the problem before I stepped it it.  

The fog has lifted enough that I can see a Snowy Egret walking along the shore.

I dreamed of Donald Trump and Elon Musk last night. I d looked at pictures of them partying New Year’s Eve at Mar-a-lago.

In thee weird dream I was asked by Trump to sing. It was a small room with 20 guest sitting on high school bleachers.  As I stood up all I could think of was a Leonard Cohen song I knew. I’knew Hey that’s no way to say Good bye but had listened to Pentonnixx singing Hallellujah, yet I didn’t know the words.  When I began to sign poorly mumbling the Christian girls had started singing a round, some sort of generation X game karaoke song. Laura was there being supportive.  It was like seeing her for Christmas dinner with her family and I was being handed this sheet.  I was reminded of bible I gifted the god kids with at the request of Anna.  Action bibles.  I just thought they were today’s versions of the action comics we read as kids.  

Trump said it’s okay.  ‘You’re not prepared’.  I’d had my ‘autidition’ I guess and wasn’t ready and yet he wasn’t judgemental just moving on. Musk was smiling and helping him on with a seal skin scuba outfit. It was some new underwater suit that allowed him to live in that medium..  “It’s okay you’re getting old, like me, but I’m keeping up.”  I felt like I was aging and that was related to a colleague saying he was 78 and slowing down.  He also said he wasn’t working for money.   I’m still working and don’t know when I’ll have ‘enough’. 

I walked around the RV park and my camper rig is one of the lower middle class units as there are no low class units. I like my rig. It’s not class A though.  there’s some high end class A units but mine is good for off road and on road so I’m not in the yuppie or retired rich class but rather an off road on road kind of guy.  I belong sufficiently but without children and a wife and family I’m an outsider.  Outsider is also “under achiever’.  I feel that way joking to friends saying I’m running out of time to get a Nobel Peace prize or be offered a free ticket to Mars.  The dream captured the emotion of awkwardness and aloneness and that desire to be apart of and apart from.  Tommie wrote in a passage to day about loneliness.  She ascribed it to alcoholism but i think it’s more a product of the existentialism of being human.  I’m a spiritual being in a human adventure.

In the SRF monastery I learned the GURU songs “I am he, I am he, blessed spirit I am he No birth no death no caste have I, father mother have I none I am hee I am he blessed spirit I am he”. I suppose I’d change that to I am Thee.  I liked Dolly Parton’s song “What a freind we have in Jesus’. It’s a hymn originally written by Joseph Scriven a minister in 1855, to comfort his mother living in Ireland while he was in Canada. 

I know a prescience. I experience synchronicity. My mind is more a garden than a bad neighborhood.  I say ‘thank you Jesus’ but feel equally good saying ‘thank you God’.  I don’t think of God as an authoritarian sort. I had a fellowship with my father and have been friends with mentors and authority frigures.  I have a friend Kirk and we can disagree and agree.  I’m a people pleaser with most.  I’m sensitive to others emotions most likely because of the abuse I experienced at the hands of corrupt authorities.  I relate to Trudeau bring in the martial law on Freedon protestors while getting down on a knee with the BLM and terroritsts. He’s such an evil little Herod like Pose . I’ve had the experience of life threatening punishment and Count of Monte Christo over punishment and false accusation.  I know the despot and relate to the tyranny of Trudeau like arbitrary authority like Aren’t describes. There’s this little boy, little girl within that’s prone to self pity. I’m afraid and alone and relate to Jesus saying “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?”  “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

I know my broken finger nail isn’t the machete stroke across the belly of the dying soldier. I’ve had a good life and been blessed in so many ways.  I go to a men’s’ group some of who belonged to the ‘whine and snivel’ club They say ‘Get down off the cross we can use the wood’. 

The girls ‘ go on and on with the ‘one down a ship victim industry’.  Women are commonly ‘rescued’ and their crying will occasional ‘proxy violence’ by chivalrous men.  The sad part is they know it and intentionally cause war and deny accountability. Yet there was John the Baptist beheaded because Herodias his wife encouraged her daughter Salome to ask Herod for his head on a silver platter,

I was set upon by a gang when I organized a sock hop as class president in Viscount Alexander. I wa gr 9.  These guys were destroying chairs and I approached them and asked them to stop because the principle would use that as an excuse to not have any more dances .  They stopped but threaten to beat me up outside . One of the guys said his girl friend wanted me to do this because my girlfriend looked down on her.   I went home early to avoid a confrontation.  My mom asked me why. I told her.  The next morning in the wee hours I went to his house and into his room and sat by his bed and scared the shit out of him ‘what are you doing’. I told him I heard he wanted to fight so was here to fight, no audience, no group.  He said ‘it’s okay we’re cool’. 

I’d taken care of it. All was well,

Then he came next day at lunch and said ‘you squealed on me’.  I said “I didn’t.’  ‘Yes you did. My mom got a call from the school and said your mom called and complained and I got expelled”.  With that he hit me three times in the face and I didn’t hit him back.  I just walked away. Knowing I could have beat him physically but I’d been betrayed by my mother,  

I confronted her and she said ‘she knew she’d promised not to say anything but she could sit back and let her son be hurt by a gang’.

After that I was attacked by several of the guys individually and let them punch me in the face. It was a terrible time.  Such embarrassment and humiliation.  These guys were part of a bigger gang with a couple of the guys having little motorcycles and hanging out at the billiard club. It’s all so strange to think back.

My friend who stood up to them had been attacked by the group and stomped. He was shospitalized and brain injured . I’d see him years later after he’d gone from being the top student to ending up in jail and asylum. We talked about that time.  

I was fortunate to get away and work at Camp Steven’s the YMCA camp that summer.  I was on the volley ball team and we became the provincial champions I joined the drama club and wrote poetry and that a university girlfriend.  By contrast high school was when I peaked .I’d continued to study martial arts and working canoeing and camping and doing gymnastics I had muscle and skill .  I was president of the amalgamated Baptists youth groups and played guitar and wrote beat poetry I performed around the city in coffee houses making a group of older friends in too music.

Year later I did a step 4 and looked at this event and how I’d not trusted my mother there after.  In the triangle with my father and mother he and I weren’t close like my brother and he.  I truly admired my father was I got older and in so many ways followed him.  Imitation is the sincerity form of flattery.  My brother and I took so much from the lives of my parents but I would argue with Mom and Mom would call in Dad as punisher,  Years later as head of a university family therapy service I would learn that my mother was using dad as proxy violence and many a son is alienated from the father by the mother who claims she ‘has to do’ but indeed she doesn’t ’have to’.  The most successful have a discussion between the adults and make a rule they stick too.

Years alter I’d live a life of being with wife’s who would lie.  I ‘d write down agreements at one timne in frustration and have her sign then because she was changing her mind and changing reality and history. I kept records because of the crazy ladies.  One wife hid my shot gun and I was facing a bear at night with a broom . 

I loved when a woman patient who was a a national rugby champion told me she couldn’t stand women who didn’t play team sports “They’re all little princesses and Priam Donna’s ,  They don’t know how to cooperate and play together, They are always caught up in blame and fault and don’t care about the team winning’.

The trouble with being stupid and dead is you don’t know it but everyone else has to live with it.

My brother and my father had problems with major work consequences of my mother’s ’loose lips ‘ and unwillingness to consult and discuss with others.  She was the epitome of ‘I did it my way’. Irish.  She was much loved.  Emotional .  Unforgiving though.  My mother held grudges and blamed.  

My father went along with her.  She was also his best friend.  They were the greatest of lovers and so enjoyed each other. She was his queen and he was her king.  

I was truly blessed to have them as parents but I do struggle with God.  Eli Eli lama sabachthani?”  

God grant me the serenity to accept the thing we cannot change and the courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference.

I’m going to run the laundry over to complete one task. Leave the little guy here. He walked and pooped. I’ll come back and taken him or a walk in the park when the fog lets up some too. Then I’ll be back for the Friday afternoon meeting and looking into local meetings and also get to the Latin art  Musem here this evening.  

Thank you Jesus.  Brother.  Friend. I sure do miss my brother Ron and my friend George and Hank and Bernie and Archie.

It’s just the sadness of waiting for godot.  

God bless all my family and friends and keep Madigan safe.  I’d take him bu there’s no room on the bike for the laundry and him,  

Thank you,,