Positive Memory and a Broken Mind

I have to be active to retrieve positive memories.  My mind’s broken.  Left to it’s own devices it will tend to replay past trauma, old wars, resentments, failures.  It’s not surprising because those were by their nature times of threat and times that my mind had to focus most. In danger we are most alert. After danger passes my mind will tend to be scanning for future threats and reminding me of past dangers. I’ll also sometimes play scenarios again in search of whatever I might think I did that had I done differently would have resulted in a more positive outcome.
Meanwhile most of my life has been exceedingly positive. Every day I’m alive my life is 51% positive.  Yet trauma and failure have tendencies to blast aside the good days and the good experiences.
I had a Corolla. Amazing car. It was something I so enjoyed for it’s workmanship and maneuvering.  I loved the sound system. It was the days I played Steely Dan on the radio. Barbara Fromm was on CBC. Life was good. That little car had magnificent studded snow tires and for a year it carried me in summer and winter to and from my first country general practice.  It was a sweet car.  Yet a dangerous , horrible, incompetent, psychopathic driver hit that car passing in a lane, semi truck barreling towards us, I was doing the correct speed, the other fellow was speeding. The road conditions were black ice. He lost control of his car, hit the front end of mine causing me to barrel and burrow right into the ditch. The car flipped 360 degrees landing upright then rolling sideways 360 degrees and landing upright again.  The seat strap kept me in the car but because of the height of the car, made for Asian market I presumed, it didn’t keep me in my seat but allowed me to be crushed into the ceiling with my head tilted.  I had a cervical spine injury.  I gave the case to a friend to help him, a new lawyer, and he didn’t do so well, so that in the end, a year later, weeks of lost work and a life time of chronic pain and disability, I was severely punished by a psychopath speeding incompetent driver, a friend who was young like me, a tough insurance system. I got the replacement value of the brand new car and immediately bought a Ford Mustang which I truly loved.  But my life flashed before my eyes, It was a near death experience.  I was appalled at the price of the insurance and that in the end there was only punishment in the system for the victim. It changed my outlook on life and was a root cause in my changing my career, my marriage and might well have been an early root cause of the subsequent addiction year that really changed my life further a decade later.
So I don’t think of that car with the joy I can actively seek to remember.  With a little conscious probing I can remember the joy I had driving it. It would also be decades before I bought an Asian made car again.  I’m driving a Mini now, British,but with my head touching the ceiling. It’s got that same attention to detail the Toyota Corolla had. Marvelous workmanship.  But I could well have been driving it when the animal hit the front of my car and the criminal system didn’t castrate him there and then to insure his genetic strain was removed from the genome.
Being a civilized man I actually got out of my brutalized car which the insurance company subsequently insisted was just fine, no reason to be replaced,  never to be trustworthy in my mind again, a source of terror, a centre for ptsd images of life flashing before my eyes, but no , it drove so I should take it home as if nothing happened.  Assholes.  I’d love the ‘new car’ smell of that Corolla. I’d loved the faith I’d put in it. It was my first ‘new car’ as before that I’d only had second hand beaters.  So there was this insurance company insisting all was well and me remember every day for life that as I bounced off the ceiling of the car I thought that I knew no one who had survived a 360 forward turn and then when i rolled again over the ceiling my neck straining again, I thought I’ll never be the same because I don’t know people who survive such a crash.  It was a miracle. Everything about it was a miracle. But at the time I was surrounded by faithless friends who were caught up completely in their own life stories and were annoyed a bit by my ‘drama’.  “You crashed your car, what of it.” And some friend would then talk about a minor fender bender and the conversation would steer into a lot of oohing and aching about stuff people knew about , parking lot crashes and city bumps.  But even today I see that semi and feel that head over heels of the first smash on the roof the world coming round like a roller coaster and then the side ways rolling and the excruciating crunch of my body weight bent up against the ceiling, sustaining me because the strap didn’t hold me in the seat.
The other car was some young guys and girls , party animals in a big beater of an old boat , an Oldsmobile or something indestructible and it had just plowed me into the ditch and continued flat out across the prairie snow drifts.  Both cars would be a trial for tow trucks to get out. The deep snow cushioned the impact.
But when I see crashes on tv and watch the cars rolling, I rarely see something as intense as my own. It’s why I liked the Diesel XXX movies and Fast and Furious. The stunt men really owned their keep.  But I’m not a stunt driver. I was dressed in a suit and survived because the Toyota was such a strongly built car and the seat belt held me. If I was 2 inches shorter I’d not have crunched my neck.  But I survived.  I lived .
My mind is like that.  I was married a few times.  I sometimes have whisps of memories of those glorious days of love and roses, the ultimate romances, the extraorinary, love and lust, the close talks at dusk and dawn, the hours of fun together, the years of best friend relationships, the pride of having a partner so extraordinary in so many ways, beautiful, accomplished, brilliant, confident, successful, admired, and to have them with you, to be able to trust them, to do things together and be so intimate.  Years of that connection. The separation and divorces in my cases seemed to happen over the last year. The negative outweighed the positives. We part and then the courts and the lawyers and the government and friends and counselors and society just makes it all so much uglier.  And the loss is like an explosion dropped into the memory bank. It wipes out the whole amazing love story of two people who felt no other was the ‘one’, who felt they’d found their ‘soul mate’ and lived with love and carefree for years, amazingly, only to find that the indestructible thing of perfection wasn’t up to the task.
Now passively the wounds come back.  I can see the one judge who was as disgusting pig of a man studying my ex’s exposed cleavage and black lace hooker stockings that day of the divorce when her own lawyer looked more like a whore with her buttons undone and cleavage exposed.  I remember that and how later when I talked to other lawyers they told me she would have jockeyed for just that judge because he was such a perverted pig and a real disgusting womanizer in his personal life, a mommy’s boy, with a little dick and a need to win women and a history of consecutively finding against men in all divorce and custody cases because he’s such a loser.  Backstabbing psychopath.  That little weasel jumps right into my passive memory.  Especially learning about him from the lawyers and learning that there’s still a pedophile judge missing and me thinking it’s got to be him because he was such a type, but really, was he.  Yes, he was a 13 year old boy who had a big position and abused it and feared men and treated women as whores but.....and here’s the but...I’ve been divorced three times, 23 years of marriage, two decades of loving the enemy, providing and protecting for all that time and 90% of it was really good for ‘us’ but I left.  I walked out on two while she walked out on one. But the important thing was there three judges and only one was a smegma. The other two were saints. Amazing considerate gentlemen with genius and wisdom and love and care who ended the marriages with the least fan fare. True I was never one to ask for anything except my life back so I walked out without anything essentially, dividing the assets of one house and giving another away but the key is that I don’t dwell on these ‘gentlemen’.  They didn’t look at the women like they were meat and they didn’t talk to me like I was a fool. They were mensch.  They were Skookum men.
My mind passively drifts to the ugly little piece of stinky dog tourd. There is if I am ‘active’ about my memory these two great men who made a bad situation less bad. These two great men did their tough job with kindness and care.
I used to have a resentment against my mother for a thing she did when I was a teen. It wasn’t anything really but I was pimple faced and awkward and tended to be ‘sensitive’ in adolescence. I expect I’m the only such teen of that kind. I had attitude and Mom wasn’t always ‘tolerant’ and ‘enlightened’ about how she should talk to an asshole kid. So we had words and I held this resentment against her.  My mom is a saint. I can go on and on about the accomplishments of my parents which include not killing me but my mind used to go to that argument instead of to the times she held me as a child when I came to her afraid. I remember that now. The adolescent ‘bomb’ memory concealed the feeling of her taking me in her arms and holding me when I was hurt child. I can feel that today.  It was the work of therapy and doing a 12th step that brought home the insanity of the mind and how ‘selective bias’ worked in the brain.
My mind is broken.  I can fix it by remember that it’s going to lie to me about my life and the relationships I had and the people I knew.  I’m blessed and I have to actively remember the truth about my life.  The Toyota Corolla is an awesome car.  I’ve driven more than a half century on on kinds of roads with all kinds of other drivers around, in cars, trucks and on motorcycles.  I drive a lot. I’ve driven desserts and freeways, and across tundra and off road and on road.  So 99.9% of the time the other drivers are incredible. I’ve had a few accidents but statistically I drive about 10x as much as every one I know and I’ve driven in worse conditions and in different countries with a whole lot of my own and rental equipment.  So statistically, and in reality, other drivers are by and large amazing, and the very vast majority actually do have the intelligence to have figured out how to use the ‘turn’ signal for changing lanes.
But I have a broken mind and most people would know my descriptors of the one driver in the morning commute whose causing the traffic jam that day, one driver out of thousands.
Just saying.
I have to be ‘active’ and make my memory remember ‘truly’ and avoid the ‘emotional memory’ of ‘selective bias’ that suffers from such inaccuracy and causes me to have a skewed view of reality.  My life is blessed. I’m really thankful for all the people I’ve known and all the machines I’ve driven.
Thank you.

Emotional Problem Solving

I always wondered why my parents talked about the weather so much but now I know.  Grandad was a rancher and dad was an engineer.  Grandmother was a farm woman and mom was a journalist home maker.  They had a whole lot of experience between them.  They paid attention to the world around them and people.  They drew on this  vast wealth of ‘traditional’ and ‘conventional wisdom’ .

When something wasn’t right with them they first considered the WEATHER.  They didn’t think that they should kill themselves, divorce or change their jobs.  They just knew that commonly people are affected by the Weather.  It’s even been shown that on Wall Street trading increases on sunny days and decreases on rainy days.  It’s really not rocket science.
Next thing the old people talked about was the GOVERNMENT. Whenever anyone felt badly and were uncertain of the cause they considered the influence of Government on the overall well being of people.  Government decisions can make or break a country and can destroy individuals lives with their wars, tax programs, corruption, graft and deceit.  Throughout history next to the natural catastrophes caused by Weather, Government is the greatest source of catastrophe and illness.  That said we all know that if the Government is good and respectable and responsible there really can be peace and love in the valley.  When Governments are mature and thoughtful and productive not wasteful the society as a whole improves with general well being spreading through the land.
Old people also realized that FINANCES were a major source of anxiety and depression.  Not only research but common sense tell us that the poorer one is the more one is at risk for negative events and the more negative events one encounters.  This was truer before the social ‘net’ of modern societies which ‘catch’ people when they fall.  There’s loans, disability, welfare, food lines and charity, all manner of resources that protect one from the ravages of starvation and ‘debtors prisons’.  In some Moslem countries slavery still persists so it’s really not in some distant past that financial problems lead to really bad outcomes.  We really take this granted often simply because our education has been basically shoddy and substandard.
Naturally most of these social security developments in the First world are not present in the Third World. Their development also did not occur in a variety of cultures and historical societies but are increasingly taken for granted in the present day democratic societies most of which began in the enlightened Christian cultures which believed in ‘second chances’.  By contrast this was not a part of the ‘law of the jungle’ or ‘social darwinism’.  It’s a whole separate history to follow the rise of ‘charity’ for ‘strangers’ not just family and tribe but ‘outsiders’ and consider this by culture and religion because again it’s something most simply take for granted not realizing how unique and extraordinary this is.
That said there’s a serious issue of ‘relative wealth’ in that people adapt to certain ‘incomes’ and ‘financial capacities’ and experience loss of ‘status’ with any reduction in FINANCIAL SECURITY.  So old people had savings and made sound investments and recognized that ‘bad times’ could come. Farmers had to save for bad weather years, the droughts, and families ‘saved’ for sickness as sickness was commonly associate with loss of work capacity.  When a person felt badly they commonly recognized that they were fundamentally anxious because of FINANCES and set about remedying this by reducing unnecessary spending and looking for ‘extra work’ to increase savings and security.
HEALTH is commonly discussed by middle aged and older people. Young people are generally healthy unless they have chronic illness from childhood. Most take their ‘good health’ and lots of energy and ability to go without sleep or meals for granted yet as they get older commonly they don’t realize that their well being is directly related to their overall physical HEALTH.  When a person sees a psychiatrist the first thing the psychiatrist considers in investigating a person’s anxiety or depression is whether there is a physical cause for negative change, how long that negative change has been developing and if this might not just be a product of a temporary illness, like a flu or ‘something that’s going around’.  Old people with a variety of chronic illness, arthritis, diabetes, heart disease, bowel diseases, lung diseases will simply consider that a bad day or week or month may be because their physical illness is worse. Chronic physical illness, like all psychosomatic illness responds to external stresses but can be it’s own source of stress.  When I’m well a hemorrhoid might not bother me but when I’m already anxious or depressed the bleeding hemorrhoid, a really minor health problem, may be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. It’s because of this that people faced with general malaise, anxiety or depression, or just a lack of well being and a sense they’re not happy as they might be, commonly go to their general practitioner and discuss their health concerns with them or talk about their HEALTH with their friends and family.  Maybe an antibiotics which cures a urinary tract infection is all that is necessary to right the problem. Maybe a change in diet or exercise or an increase in an anti inflammatory medications is sufficient.
Successful people faced with lack of happiness, a sense of feeling that they are not enjoying life, feelings of emptiness, or too much anxiety and maybe a sense of depression consider early their RECREATIONS.  All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. The World Health Organization took Freud’s simple definition of Mental Health, ‘the ability to work and love’ and extended it over two full pages but really only added that Mental Health is the ‘ability to work, love and play”.  A lot of people have really barren personal lives yet somehow expect they should be happy. The adage is ‘Misery Loves Company’ and as we are ‘herd animals’ we need social outlets. Maybe our work is not that social or our family just not enough. A major proportion of todays’ divorces occur because young people want their partners to be their ‘all’, (friend, parent, therapist, lover, cook, parent, cheerleader, etc ,etc).  We all come from a tribal society where everyone was interconnected and all had close to dozens, a hundred or more people to turn to.  Today often people’s lives are sterile.  They work and eat and sleep and wonder why they suffer anxiety or depression.  Really , they need to get involved, take up some ‘sport’ even if it’s just, walking with a group.  There are countless clubs, activities, ‘MEET UPS’ on the Internet, and community organizations, and schools, churches and temples.  Really, commonly a person’s life is ‘boring’ because they are ‘boring’ and don’t have any activities in their life because of their narcissism and selfishness and unwillingness to ‘SHARE THEIR TIME”.  These people are time hoarders but like most entitleed people want something for nothing.  Yet a problem shared is a problem halved and loneliness in modern society is so often described as ‘anxiety’ or ‘depression’.
FRIENDS are either as source of joy or a drain. Some are down right ‘soul suckers’ and others are chronic ‘kafetches’.  Many are ‘takers’ and ultimately one has to seriously consider how much time one has to be an emotional cheer leader of those who haven’t a minor or occasional problem but have a chronic recurrent unrellenting series of crisis.  In life saving the lifeguard is taught to swim out to help but not let the drowning person pull them down with them.  Whole communities are alcoholic or drug addicted and frankly some people need to get right out of these hell holes to get away from those who would drag themdown.  In Canada and in communist countries in general there is a phenomena called the ‘tall poppy’ syndrome which means that the ‘group’  because of some ideology actively stop those around them progressing.  They chop down the ‘tall poppy’ or ‘chop off the heads of others to make themselves look taller’.  In some tribal communities those who are doing well will have their homes broken into and wealth stolen or even have their house burnt down.  Many communities of ‘friends’ are gang like where the expectations of the ‘group ‘ is for the ‘individual’ who succeeds to ‘share ‘ his success yet this ideology destroys initiative.  Why should one person ‘work’ at an extra job and then share the reward with those who didn’t put out the effort.  A lot of individual lack of success is associated with ‘friends’ who are negative and ‘belittling’.  Being around people who say ‘nothing is going to change’, ‘life suck’s’ and various other ‘depressive statements’ is Depressing.  By contrast those who succeed and are happy commonly are surrounded by positive people. People who are enlightened are generally encouraging and supportive of those who wish to learn and excel but shy away from those who live by stealing and fawning relationships.  It’s often that we don’t have to  ‘end’ a relationship but rathe that we need to ‘distance’ ourselves or ‘spend less time’ with people who are ‘wallowing’ in their negativity
WORK is often a source of anxiety and depression but few throughout history had the LUXURY of NOT WORKING or even CHANGING THEIR JOBS.  So many accepting that work is principally to pay for the physiological needs, and provide fundamental food, clothing, and shelter simply accept their work.  They stay in less than perfect jobs because they see that those who jump around from job to job commonly ‘take their own selves ‘ with them.  PERSONALITY DISORDERS are primarily identified by the inability of an individual to stay at one job for a year. A red flag goes up with those who are workers when a person can’t last a year in the ‘class’.  Our school system was supposed to provide this basic capacity.  4 seasons, one job.  Admittedly there’s many factors to be considered but there is a direct correlation of “success’ and ‘happiness’ and ‘general well being’ for those who ‘stay’ at a position. There’s even a thing called ‘position authority’ which gives status to even a bull frog in one pond that stays rather than jumping from pond to pond.  Work is not only associated with activity which by itself is healthy but its a place of socialization which is also healthy. Buddhists even designate ‘RIGHT LIVELIHOOD” as essential to enlightenment recognizing that a lot of jobs intrinsically are depressing, risky, unhealthy or simply dehumanizing.  Prostitutes collectively are unhappy even though many ‘chose’ the job for quick wealth  It just doesn’t have the long term benefits that teaching children has.  Survey a hundred prostitutes and a hundred school teachers and the evidence is overwhelming that prostitution isn’t a very ‘high quality’ job.  The whole job world is laid out in terms of education, financial reward, risk, and effort.  Entrance level jobs have the real advantage they need low education but they commonly lack security and rarely have long term financial reward.  One has to seriously consider their work in light of what they want and what their present and future desires and needs are. All too often people have been satisfied with a particular job and had a whole lot of short term benefits from that job only to find that one day the job didn’t have longevity. This occurs with athletes and commonly with dancers.  If one doesn’t have a fall back plan or a plan to progress then it’s not uncommon for crisis to arise which could well have been foreseen and prepared for.  In today’s world it is expect that people will have three careers minimum in a lifetime and those who are “coasting’ will likely encounter job problems. While the ‘coasters’ are blaming everyone and everything for their loss of work, the rest have been upgrading their skills and taking extra training at night anticipating that their job as a ‘steam engineer’ is less than permanent.
FAMILY is a fixed ingredient. Those who are fortunate are born in loving families and learn the ART OF LOVING (see Erickson) and know that LOVE Is not something that just “HAPPENS” but needs to be nurtured and maintained.  Successful happy families pass on the SKILLS for happiness to their children and commonly this learning leads to generations of success whereas the poor believe the success is only a product of the individuals in this segment of society starting with a ‘financial nest egg’.  If this were true then those who won LOTTERIES would be similar examples of personal and societal success.   However,  commonly those who ‘win lotteries’ lose them just as quickly.  One of the reasons AID works so poorly is that it doesn’t ‘teach’ people how to produce more successfully but only cares for their needs that one day. Often what a family teaches is the cornerstone to the success of the members whereas equally so a family can be perpetrating ‘self defeating’ ideologies.  It is important to remember if we had sent Einstein to a tribe of Cannibals they would have thought him a tough rooster at best and learned nothing about energy and relativity because they were simply not capable of appreciating the genius of the man.
 Therapy was not about ‘rejecting family’ or dishing parents but about sorting out the useful teaching from the commonly once useful but now outdated ideas.  A mother might teach her daughter to avoid black men because when she grew up black men were migrant and poor but today that very statement might be a limiting ideology if the majority of black men in the community were hard working successful individuals.  If a person is a live today it’s thanks to the parents simply not killing them when they were vulnerable.  Since life if fundamental and without it all else is nothing all parents are 50% good.  Fish eat their eggs and reptiles leave them to fend for themselves.  Therapy isn’t supposed to be about ‘blaming’ but rather about understanding and learning from the past to make the present and future better.  Therefore each individual must recognize the contribution of history and not dish it outright.  Further today people commonly judge the past by the yardstick of their own limited understanding.  Dickens said, “it was the best of times and worst of times’ and this is true for all times. The trick is to be selective, learn from and make valuable alliances. Family are the main stay of society and the STATE is threatened most by family. Alone individuals are likely to perish but the capacity to form networks and communities is central to the happiness of individuals. This begins with the family.  When I worked with the most mentally ill they commonly had the worst family relationships and least social skills.  If the family can be strengthened most commonly success for individuals follows.
The LOVED ONE, the PARTNER, the most intimate sexual partner has through all cultures and classes been associated with the greatest joy and happiness at some time.    Many a person has said that their life is made by the finding and nurturing of their soulmate.  This is the person they marry. This is the person we have sex with. Sexual relationships are limited to those who we are willing to be most intimate with, most vulnerable with, closest too.  A ‘casual relationship’ is never truly casual but marriages and long term sexual relationships define emotional landscapes for all.  The Loved One is the most important person in a person’s network of relationships. That person is commonly the father or mother of the children, the most important person in the family, and the one who can most affect a person’s emotional life positively or negatively.
IF mental health is the ability to love, work and play, then it follows that a person without work or school, without a Loved One or Family or Friends would at most register ’30’% generally on a happiness scale. Those who lack that most important cherry on the happiness cake , the loved and loving one, at best might only approach a “B” grade  in the overall likelihood of general well being. There are clearly exceptions, saints, heroes, hermits but generally speaking our sense of well being follows from this simple analysis.
Now the must successful and mature people do not ‘change’ their ‘loved one’ or their ‘job’ first but progress through an analysis of what is lacking in their lives by starting at the outside.  Maybe it’s just a bad hair lousy weather day and that one could consider buying and umbrella or taking a vacation to the hot spot or improving the use of sunscreen.  There’s a whole lot of solutions to the ‘weather’ problems. I took up cross country skiing when the ‘weather’ was forcing me to curtail outside activities and I felt a prisoner in the winter city.  My general well being improved immensely. My friend has made a point of cycling and winter swimming at Wreck beach at least twice a week ‘getting outside’ and ‘facing the elements’ and their sense of well being and decrease in anxiety is amazing to see.
Recently a whole group of people rioted because they didn’t like the government but studies showed that 70% hadn’t voted.  Most of these government activist complainer types commonly don’t even join a political party.  A friend is a professor of political sciences and I watched her acquire her wisdom and generally amazing calmness around matters political by gaining in depth knowledge about the mechanisms of government, anthropology, sociology and the misinformation of media and propaganda.  When she was a student government most upset her but today she’s probably the least ‘upset’ person I know in this regard because she is actively participating in government, making things better for herself and other individuals.
Countless times I’ve seen people’s general malaise and depression a product of something so simple medically as hypothyroidism.  Depression and anxiety are commonly the presenting symptoms of countless treatable illnesses. Increasingly most depression and anxiety I see has it’s roots in addictions, substance abuse, alcoholism, pornography, eating disorders.
Work problems arise in every job and in every life but rather the ‘take this job and shove it’ over the years mature individuals have formed unions, discussed the negatives of their job with co workers, counsellors and even the boss.  These minor changes in a person’s life can reap amazing results in solving emotional problems
Obviously spending less time with a ‘soul sucker’ , that constantly ‘needy’ , person always bitter and always complaining, will lead to less stress and more room for positive relationships.  Maintaining contact with family but modulating the time and distance of the relationships is a sure fire way of improving one’s happiness simply because these are the template of all relationships that follow and the source of so much joy for those whose lives are most successful.
Finally the most mentally ill commonly admit to having their longest intimate relationship as under a year, under five years, or under 10 years.  Relationships are like vehicles and if you keep crashing or trading in your primary vehicle for relational happiness then you really would benefit from seeing a psychiatrist not to discuss what the partner is doing wrong but to learn what others do right and what you are doing wrong.  The Gottman Institute “love labs’ studies successful happy couples and unhappy couples and scientifically came up with a set of rules that are simply not rocket science but really do give a decent basis for  setting up or repairing broken relationships before they get trashed by this ‘throwaway unhappy society’
The main reason I wrote this though was to simply encourage people to consider problem solving from the weather inward to work and loved one rather than dumping the job and life partner only to find it El Nino was all that was wrong and if you’d waited a year the weather would have improved and you could have saved the cost and pain of trashing work and love.
Finally spirituality is associated with the greatest happiness and joy for most people.  Research shows that spiritual people are overall happier and more prosperous with greater security and success. This doesn’t mean any one religion or any one moral prescription is right but it does tend to challenge atheist political idealogies that reject the spiritual community lives of the most successful individuals in society.  Perhaps when all else fails or earlier ,one might consider, as Victor Frankl, the psychiatrist who survived Auswitch, encouraged, asking yourself "what is the meaning of life”.  What is your relationship to God   Or  perhaps change the word, God, to  the GOOD.  What is the Good to you or what is the GOOD LIFE.  Often emotional problems solving follows ‘reframing’ the question'.
In the end it’s your life.  Enjoy.