Horse Lake, Thursday, Gilbert’s Heart Disease

The sun is out big time. Hardly a cloud in the sky.  Yesterday overcast rainy with mosquitoes. Morning working in the camper. Laura puts on earplugs and listened to music.  Gilbert sleeps on the bed with her.  She’s reading. I’m working. It’s not a bad gig for a rainy day in paradise.

In the afternoon I rode my motorcycle down backroads slipping and sliding in the muck. My arms and shoulders are telling me this morning I got my share of exercise. I had the camera along and took some pictures of the area I was in.  Firs, muskeg, pine. 

I rode up a side trail and parked the bike. I took the Chiappa Double Badger folding rifle and targets to a clearing I found a short walk beyond.  I shot off 5O rounds with the 22’ single shot barrel. I was grouping within 5 inches only  slightly left and high of centre but it was not good enough to hit the head of a grouse. I’d hit the body of a rabbit but that’s not good enough. I think I might add a little scope. I’ve needed a scope in recent years partly because of my aging eyes and partly because of my precision shooting.  A grouse head is about the size of a quarter coin.  

The 20 guage single shot barrel was amazing. I tried the 6 shot and the slugs.  The slugs were a bulls eye.  I walked back to about 20 yards where I normally shoot grouse from and while I’d had trouble with the 22, I would get the grouse every time with the 20 guage.  I will have to work on reloading quickly. My mentor Bill Mewhort years back chose a single shot moose rifle for the accuracy of the longer barrel he was able to get without the regular action. He could load three shots almost as fast as I could with the bolt action.  

What’s nice about the Chiappa is I have the perfect bird gun.  It’s actually fits in my pack folded. Further if I carry a slug I have the potential in a crazy situation to be armed to defend against a bear attack if I’m not surprised.  I’m usually pretty alert in the woods the possibilities in the wild are always there.  I remember the times I’ve come across  bears and badgers and I’ve be fortunate they opted to leave me alone. I’d definitely been undergunned sometimes at the time of those encounters.  

Gilbert was sick last night, coughing and having problems breathing. He’d gone on for an hour unable to settle. I’d wake and go back to sleep only to wake again.  I brought him up on the bed and with Laura and I massaging him and some more of one of his medicines he finally settled.  I think he has trouble breathing with his congestive heart failure and he panics.  Dyspnea is a side effect of one of his meds but this was what we took him to the vet for. He coughs until he spits up clear fluid so it’s pretty certain that’s the congestive heart failure , so called ‘water on the lungs’. His X-ray showed that. He’s on two diuretics and yet he continues to have this problem. On rainy days it’s worst. Once he settled and stretched right out he slept straight through for 5 hours. Now we’re up at 9.  He’s just fine this morning.  He was barking at the ducks whose sound of landing as a group outside the door, surprised him.  He’s not coughing. I had trouble having him take his medication, it’s wrapped in roast beef. He wouldn’t take it so I walked him a bit to pee and again tried and with a lot of fuss he took it.  I was pretty exasperated.

I’m finding myself re thinking euthanasia.  Individually I’ve know that I’d like to go and have always held that if things became so wrong I’d suicide. MAiD is the euphemism today.  I found myself thinking Gilbert was going to die and then I was selfishly thinking maybe it was time to have him ‘put down’.  Poor guy.

The problem though is the same I see with the death penality.  I believe it’s right. There are limits to rehabilitation despite what some would argue. I know that ‘God’ works miracles but there are countless examples where a community can’t ensure a person who offends won’t reoffend. It’s the same issue that soldiers face with the inability to take prisoners where the prisoners could give away their positions behind enemy lines , the result being that the platoon is killed for not.  Historically communities banished those who were re offenders.  It’s the reoffenders that are the real challenge. 

If we think about the worst crime of murder then perhaps there can be extenuating circumstances and a guy killed his ex wife or mother in law.  I’m just suggesting these as example.  Someone else might think of murdering the boss. I’m not speaking to the idea of deterring others. No one would have thought about murdering my ex wife or mother in law.  They might think of murdering their boss so historically the whole idea of murder was a costly issue.  In the village you had to pay the cost of the loss of that person to the family or tribe. Like with a lot of things and the law, the rich could get away with murder easier than the poor. But the murderer might alternatively become the slave to the family.  

The whole idea of the jail industry, with people kept at huge cost to society is a type of evil that is driven by greed and the ability to tax people with little accountability.  Historically law was mostly about recompense, not this weird ‘punishment’ idea.  My principle problem with the death penalty is the State. The State is so intrinsically flawed and biased with a long history of mass murder that it should not have the power to kill individuals ‘legally’ given it’s history of errors. Even in a democracy total idiots get elected and these people and the media can influence judges and innoscent men and women can be killed for profit.  I believe in the death penalty but don’t know who should do the killing. Hence the historical value of banishment.  I think branding people with the Scarlet Letter or a big M for murderer or T for Thief ,  might be an alternative. I’ve not really thought it through but know that the STATE should not have the right to kill and that the whole ‘Life’ sentence issue would only make sense if it were cheap. What we really need is for Australia to become a prison colony again. Ultimately  the moon or mars will suffice. Space exploration if only for the sake of penal colonies for workers is a grand idea. 

Now what about MAiD. Again the State is the problem. I’ve always held that I have the right to end my life. I admire my Christian and Catholic friends who believe suicide would lead to hell but I’ve always maintained that I personally have the right and a loving God would not condemn me. At most I’d be a teenager who crashed the family car and the loving father would be miffed but still love me.  I don’t ‘own’ this body. It’s a vehicle I inherited. I have too known so many individuals who use ‘suicide’ as a weapon of threat and extortion. Then there are those who want attention and the others who would suicide if they broke their fingernail. I love that the Buddhists and Hindus to a large extent like I , consider it a personal choice, that they discourage. I certainly don’t admire the STATE and it’s Jihad Suicide bombers. I”ve always felt leaders should be willing to do whatever they ask their men and women to do so know that Jihad is invariably left to the grunts. The guys with the virgins here on earth aren’t about to blow themselves up for a speculative proposition.  All propaganda.

But if I was Gilbert and couldn’t get my breath and faced that terror alone I would be glad for a ‘magic pill’. Bring on the cyanide.  In the spring for the first time in my life I was ‘unable to get my breath’.  That’s when I believe I may have had SARS. I was coughing like Gilbert, crying and praying and more desperate than I can recall for two days. I’d have these ‘spells’ when I simply could not take air in and my body, normally a twin, to my self became one with myself and together we felt utter abandonment. I understood then in that instant the cry of Jesus on the cross. “Eli, Eli, lama sabaqtani!”  My God, my god , why hasn’t thou forsaken me!

Last night I thought Gilbert would die and I felt that again there was nothing I could do but pray. I have cried by bedsides too many times to remember. I have pleaded with God to save patients and been rewarded by hard work and miracles but in my own life I’ve not had success. Wife’s have gone on to be ex wife’s, family members have remained sick. Loved ones have died. Dogs and cats have died.  I’ve known terrible pain.

But pain is bearable.  Breathlessness is not.  The greatest torture known isn’t being eaten alive by ants or staked through ass by Count Vlad. It’s water boarding.  Obviously I can’t speak from experience. I’ve not had my face eaten by ants though this weekend the mosquitoes tried my patience and I have had a hemorrhoid that drove me to distraction. None were like that experience this spring of not being able to breath.  Asphyxiation is intimately tied to panic.  Panic attacks are experiences of inability to breathe.  Covid 19 is all about that breathlessness.  I can’t imagine a worse death. But all death is breathlessness and eventually it passes and you die.

I thought Gilbert might die last night. His enlarged heart might give out or he’d just choke and seizure. He lived.  

This morning I thought of suicide. I was angry at Gilbert for yet another night disrupting my sleep. It’s been weeks, this being the worst, but I’ve risen with his coughing for months . What’s changed is that he doesn’t settle. It used to be I just held him and he stopped coughing.  Then I could take him for a pee and a short walk and he’d settle and sleep through the night. But now I’ve been taking him out every few hours and he settles and then it repeats. I’m so thankful we’re on holidays. 

Which brings me to the point. If I had to work and was raising a family without support of my village eventually I’d want to kill the person I was caring for. If I was the person unable to care for myself I’d want to die. My mother told me she was ready to go when she was bed ridden. “It was okay when I could sit up in a chair, Bill, but now all I have is a ceiling.I’m not going to get any better.”  I’d rescuscitated her twice. I only resuscitated my father once. I’ve resuscitated countless people. It’s a skill and a ‘gift’. I’ve watched spirits rise from bodies and called them back. Not alone.  The trouble is that it’s only temporary.  It’s a wrestle with death. Death is inevitable.  

Gilbert is an inconvenience. I was annoyed with him this morning when he wouldn’t take his medication and I felt like slapping him.  I was crying too.  I remember others caring for their parents, the people I know caring for disabled people. My brother put up with my ornery father’s cricitisms and moods right to the end. My brother is a better man than me.  My mother cared for my grandmother till I found her cold one morning in the sun room. I have a disabled friend who is really demanding at times but we all humor him. He is in the most severe chronic pain and disability known and yet our society , the STATE, has no heart dealing with him. Indeed girls are taking advantage of him because he is frail and they are the psychopaths of the world. I witnessed caregivers hurting him myself.  Now the STATE and the COURTS are punishing him for his weakness.

I felt like killing Gilbert ‘for his own good’ because he ‘was suffering’. He was suffering but I was kidding myself. I’m a contemptible selfish jerk whose sleep has been disrupted and this is my best friend and loved one and I’m thinking murder. The fact is he’s loving his life when he’s not coughing. Yesterday he was cuddling with the love of his life Laura for hours. She’s giving him treats and sitting with him on the lawn listening to the ducklings that are walking by each day. I’ve been playing ball with him which he loves despite being blind. He loves going for walks. I remember my mom loving being pushed around in her wheelchair outside by my father. She lived for those hours until she was permanently bed ridden and stared at the ceiling bored to death.  

I’m not going to die well. I’m a coward. I love a loving God but I’m the first to tell him what I need and it’s really hard to accept ‘thy will be done not my will’. I’m not a masochist. I don’t enjoy pain or risk or discomfort.  I’m not very impressive to myself. Others seem to see me well but within myself I’m rarely measuring up,. How can I be a lover and think of killing my little love because he can’t breathe and is suffering and I don’t want to be bothered by it any more.

The fact remains that is what I learn from so many.It’s not the thoughts or the words but the actions. I didn’t kill Gilbert or myself yesterday and he’s now sleeping at my foot and I’m just so sad.  Aging now is a matter of loss. But I’ve been blessed beyond what anyone deserves to know this little guy.  Better to have loved and lost then never to have loved. 

Thank you God for another day. When I was at sea in hurricanes and storms and it was night and I was near despair it would always be better in the light. The sun is wonderful this morning. St. John’s latest ‘long dark night of the soul’ has passed. I’ve another day to learn to be more loving like my dog who trusts and loves unconditionally.  Gilbert has another day of play. Thank you Jesus. 

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Libet , Free Will, Masculine God and the Energy Matrix

Benjamin Libet’s  experiment went like this.  He had volunteers hooked up to electro encephalograms and make a spontaneous movement. There was a precise timer each volunteer read at the moment they became aware of the urge to act.  There was a 200 millisecond delay, on average, between subjective urge and objective movement.

A signal appeared in the brain even earlier, approximately 500 milliseconds and  this was called the ‘readiness potential’.  This was interpreted initially as a blow to ‘free will’ and evidence of ‘determinism’ or ‘fate’.  That is not thought the case today as further experiments unfold. Trevena and Miller in University of Otago showed that it was unclear what the ‘readiness potential’ was as it was present regardless of the decision to act. Scourged and his team recently hypothesized that neural noise must pass a threshold and that this appeared like an readiness potential.  

First this all adds to the notion of the human and free will as a ‘second response” or ‘after thought”.  In spiritual theological terms God is considered male and man collectively female. God acts and man reacts.  Hence the prayer Thy Will Be Done rather than My Will Be Done.

The determinist position would be that we are a comic strip but unfortunately the ego of aetheists and determinists is too large for that.  They hypocritically deny free will but demand credit and esteem for denying free will. They deny God yet want the praise we give God. We are an after thought. Our actions follow thoughts by milliseconds.  Neuroscience teaches that consciousness itself is an after thought.

The Now is perhaps a ‘field’.  This brings forward the idea of the brain itself as not being the centre of the universe but rather an organic computer , like a communication receptor which can receive messages from elsewhere.

In further studies of the Libet phenomena  an observer could predict the movement before the volunteer even had the ‘urge’ to act.  This could indeed be a model of God and creation. String theory allows for the emergency switch and spontaneous unplanned or predicted events. God could interrupt a particularly catastrophic action.  It’s not so much what God does as what God prevents.  The possibility is raised.

But how this observer can manipulate action is as yet unknown.  It is known that the observer looking at the EEG could be prescentient.  The image follows of the neuroscientist as ‘brain reader’ and ‘soothsayer’. Armed with a portable EEG he could be a fine mentalist addition to any carne fortune teller’s game.

I like this research as I’ve been following it since the 80’s interested in the fundamental question of psychiatry which is ‘change’.  Can interventions bring about change.

St. Paul’s state “I do what I don’t want to do and I don’t do what I want to do’. This has been my central issue of research and reflection since I was a family physician and a patient died because he didn’t take the medication that was recommended to him by three physicians and not only that lied about not taking it.

That one case  lead to my interest in non compliance and non adherence to medical regimen.this is common in 30% or more of general clinical medicine rising to 80% in psychiatric medicine. It’s the elephant in the living room government denies.  Eventually this interest lead to addiction and addiction addiction psychiatry where St Paul would flourish.

Administrative medicine is an extension of legal medicine and exists purely by war and diplomacy and leverage, a rationalists wet dream, a purely masculine Mars God activity with all the room possible for grandiosity. It’s based on a set of outdated unscientific ideas that don’t take into account Libet or the unconscious. 

By contrast a clinician struggles with this rather beguiling phenomena.  Can I change this disease.  Can I help this person get a life. Mental health is the ability to love, work and play. Can I with a variety of tools in the armementariam change this persons desire to kill themselves or others.

 But most importantly can I do it without force and without paying the person. The family physician predominantly works with the conscious processes but a psychiatry addresses the unconscious and communicates in specific ways to achieve a mutual aim of change. It’s the exact opposite of coercive administrative medicine.

We found that we could change all manner of behaviour the way lawyer, administrators and judges and politicians do by ‘buying’ or ‘threatening’ people or causing pain or removing things.  This is what I did to some extent  as a family physician and especially in surgery. I worked in the conscious realm.  

As a psychiatrist I worked in the realm of conflicting internal programs , the anima or female and the animus or male.  I noted long ago that I could stop people killing themselves. When I was a family physician and later as a resident my patients killed themselves.  I actually stopped suicide in a suicide ward and reduced attempts remarkably and the effects of these interventions persisted for years.

However the government and administrative doctors in Canada have moved into killing people. Euthanasia is all the rage and death is paid for more than life. We’ve seen this extensively in the Planned Parenthood Abortion Industry Scandal with it’s billions of dollars funding.

I see tombstones in peoples eyes. I looked at an administrative doctor and saw tombstones in his eyes. He couldn’t tell the difference between lie and truth and literally used the metaphor for ‘entertainment’ as his idea of what a doctor’s role. He really believed that medicine was just a Shakespearean Stage.  But he had obviously never studied the Fool and knew less about their wisdom .

I believe this as a Tibetan Buddhist and St. John mystic might. But his choice of this view was based on his dying and the failure of his life like those who ‘give up’  increasing numbers seek euthanasia. The mentally ill are demonized by those who deny their own pain. Such a shame.

Like lawyers and men of the 19th century they talk of ‘pain’ in a mechanical way.  They actually live

in their ‘actuarial’ materialistic constructs. They are money and numbers. A comic strip 2 dimensional
reward seeking animal soulless machine construct.

Yet the universe is fractals and time. These experiments challenges the creepy silliness of the political

 administrative processes  so utterly outdated and so banal.

They do not know what they do.

But then I’m but a  kazoo in the symphony of life. I actually am a psychiatrist who reads the research and questions the very existence of this world. Because that’s the essence of psychiatry, reality. Do we create it or does it create us.  Whose pulling the string. It’s what a professional psychiatrists do not what lawyers or administrative doctors do despite their grandiosity and arrogance coupled with banal committees.

The administrative doctor is a slave.  The professional was once ‘free’. But we’re all selling our soul  to the company store.  Yet someone may be watching.  And we may be on the verge of WWWIII.  If it is a comic strip and my thoughts are merely voice over then I really must think more about those ‘b’ observers and the ‘energy matrix’.

The Swami said, “I am the bubble , make me the sea”.  I do that which I don’t want to do and don’t do that which I want to do.  My patients are pre contemplation, contemplative, determined and action phased..  The guys with the guns always cut the Georgian knots. it’s an Alexander thing. .  Their administrations are thuggish, careless, wasteful, lacking finesse, good at killing. Suck at healing.
I’m uncertain.  Ambivalent.  There seems a higher path. Thy will be done. I.d like to talk to the observer.

The Godless and Soteriology

I listened to Rev. Flowers Soteriology 101 pod cast yesterday.  My commute time in Vancouver was doubled by the fog. Everywhere medical marijuana drivers had slowed their vehicles down so they could collectively stare and say, “Wow, Man!” It really was surreal and beautiful.
Vancouver is a bipolar city with moods fluctuating with the weather and commutes fluctuating due to poor administration of the road services from anywhere between a 1/2 hour and 2 hours daily.  The real money in the city comes from crime and government.  The criminals and the elite live in the city. The commuters like me are just the modern peasants.
Soteriology is the study of “Salvation”.  An end days prescription.  Like George Carlin, “What is this hand basket and where are we going anyway.”  Every day a person not on drugs or willing to forego the Starbucks coffee waiting in the city, gets up and drives their car either north or east, heading to the country or the prairies just to get away from the boredom of Vancouver in the darkness of ‘daylight saving’ and the rain of winter.
Snow and sunshine seem preferable to whiplash seeking pirates looking for ICBC insurance windfalls offered daily by the legal lottery that runs the province.  Meanwhile ,why work when the government taxes the workers while giving a pass to the criminals and speculators.  It’s the same with guns. Criminals have them. But the government taxes those who own them and pay taxes on them.  So the government simply does the same with workers, demonizing them, and punishing them with greater and greater taxes while leaving the criminals to prosper.
Salvation sounds like a lovely contrast to the media circus and the daily toil of hedonist smog producing bike laned city life especially as the government is taxing the air we breathe and water is now bought and sold.  Death has an appeal.  Euthanasia is marketed medically along with marijuana.
It pays to check out the tourist brochures of the various religions ultimate destination offers.
I once wrote a paper on Heaven and concluded that Christianity and Taoism had the best resorts in the after life. I didn’t really care to fight each day in pagan Valhalla.  Hanging with virgins didn’t seem nearly so appealing since the virgins I knew weren’t a particularly a attractive lot.
As a doctor I also know that the hymen restorative surgical industry is a thriving business.  The introduction of the birth control pill removed the whole need for virginity that leftover from  the agricultural and herding days of breeding, eugenics and  and thoroughbred children.  Today 50 % of the children of divorce are by DNA study, not those of the father.  Despite this, the  Jews continue to step on glasses at wedding.  Muslims kill people who look at their promiscuous sisters.  Myla Cyress, the penultimate Hollywood disease attacting slut, rides her ‘wrecking ball’.  New religions like feminism are sources of perpetual anger and ‘offence’ , like nation states in the empires building colonial days. New colonialists.  Different names, same old, same old , game.
Soteriology says each religion and each culture had some purpose and meaning.  Today the Godless simply lie and deny that they really want the most toys at the end but their agenda always is world dominance for purely hedonistic reasons. They don’t have an afterlife so can’t really care for their own children.  All must cease to exist when they, Gods of their own making,  no longer exist. No wonder there is an opioid epidemic.
The Buddhists by contrast are the most truthful.  Soteriology or salvation for them is ‘nirvana’ , ‘liberation from suffering’.  Life is ‘samsara” or the never ending cycle of misery.  All Buddhist humor is a kind of Vietnam black humor which makes their laughter so infectious.  Even Kierkegaard the great Christian theologian said ‘life is suffering unto death’.  Quite a contrast to the promises of politicians, whores, bankers, marketting agencies, and Hollywood.  Nothingness is the reward of life.
The Christian ‘salvation’ is saving the soul from ‘sin’.  Sin is a word used to describe the ‘missing of a mark’.  Christianity like Zen uses an analogy of the archer. The archer shoots an arrow and if ‘Good intentions didn’t pave the road to hell’ the arrow would always hit the mark. Christianity like Science asks the question of ‘outcome measure’.  The ‘deviance’ from the aim is called ‘sin’. In science we’d explain the ‘error’ as ‘windage’ , ‘arrow’ material’ , ad infinitude.  Christians say that sin follows from separation from God. Salvation is made possible in Christianity by the life and death and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, (God entered his creation, lived it, found it in error ,  corrected it, died and resurrected..  The cross of Christianity is the ‘cross road”. It’s all about choice and freedom of choice. Also I imagine God was just a tad cross as his creation when it killed his creatures killed him suggesting either a design error, a Robert Graves sacrifice of the king or downright naughtiness of children unattended. Apparently the computer reset didn’t take a Noah flood but the cosmic fix could be put in with ‘love’.
There is also however a pesky issue of ‘predestination’ and ‘grace’ .Soteriology addresses these ultimately Unchristian factors in Christianity.
A good Christian gets ‘mansions in heaven’ and time with God.  Virgins are apparently optional and singing replaces war. It sounds much more appealing as you get older.  You also get a new body while the Muslims must make due with the resurrection of the one they died in. This explains the mass exodus of male followers of Islam to Christianity after they have suffered castration by whatever means.
Only 1 in 1000 Muslims actually get to any kind of heaven so it’s a lottery system anyway with most ending up in fire and despair just like some Christian sects who feel the stick is far better than the carrot for managing the followers. Corruptions naturally goes along with either lottery system.
The Judaism Soteriological construct is as a collective not like Christianity which is individual. Jews are never individual tourists but must travel by the bus loads. The attraction of aetheism for the likes of Marx and other Godless Jews is that many Jews simply don’t believe in an afterlife “The dead know nothing. They have no reward.”  However other Jews do believe in an afterlife, though not nearly as attractive in terms of housing as the Jewish Christian sects believed.
In Hinduism Samedhi or Moksha is the escape from ‘samsara’ the cycle of death and rebirth.  This may mean like the Buddhists a loss of individuality but it might also mean a simple closing of this book before the opening of the other. This goes with the idea of this ‘caterpillar’ existence where enlightenment is a ‘butterfly’ existence. How can a caterpillar know as a butterfly. “I am the bubble make me the sea’.  There’s closure and possibility without the idea of a human ‘body’ or the anthropomorphism associated with the mystery religions.  The Sikh seed the ‘union with God’ as a drop of water joining the sea.
There’s a sense with the Godly that we’re all going in the same direction in a sense. Pesky pagans preparing to fight forever are as challenging to be around as those who truly believe that this is it and there are no consequences, except perhaps indigestion, for eating one’s neighbour.
Rev. Francis was challenging the Calvinist notion of preditermination, the idea that God’s chosen are already picked and the out come is ‘fixed’.  This has an anthropormorphic quality considering however we find that elections, soccer games and leadership positions are ‘rigged’.  Why not think that God has ‘rigged’ this life. The least taught book of the Bible, Job, certainly challenges the notion of Satan and dualism. Satan might well have been God’s companion creation or alter ego before the creation of more entertaining humans with delusions of free will.
Personally I’ve considered myself a ‘voice over’ on a ‘comic strip’ .  The question then is who is the writer. I’m writing my life or God or worse ‘the Borg Government of Canada’. And if the ending is ‘fixed’, as my dope smoking friend believes, “why worry, be happy.”
There’s a notion of ‘happy cabbages’ and I find when I ask people ‘why’ or ‘where are you going’ or ‘what do you want in the big picture’ they commonly simply shit themselves.  I know that beurocrats are the most disturbed by that question. They hide behind platitudes and swagger with confidence but the seed of doubt and the depth of fear is so readily apparent in their eyes.
Most who join armies have said simply, I don’t know I don’t care I just want to be a tool.  I’m here to pay for my family because that hedonistically feels good. Others believe the signs offering travel and education.
I am no more than an animal, they say. I mimic the words and motions of man but really no more. Everyone agrees with me. I represent everyone. I’m schizophrenic and leave me alone. Don’t ask me such questions!!!!
Soteriology. Thank you Rev. Flowers.

Gratitude Friday

Thank you God for my night of rest. I have known countless nights awake on call in hospitals and community. I have been a wake nights at sea through storms unable to sleep for slept meant death.  I have had so many nights with nightmares, the faces of the dead and the constant judgement of the ungodly perfect superiors.  I have played to you Lord but being a people pleaser I have tried as well not to offend the devil.  The devil rules this land and I am sorely afraid.  But I beg for your mercy. These are the times Isaiah prophecized of the “long necked women and their boys”.  There have been so many nights sleepless at the bedside of sick and dying.  My dogs loss of his remaining eye this week has been terribly trying, but it is good that he is well now.  Thank you for the night of rest.
Thank you for the recovery of my dog. Gilbert. He was only awake once last night. Whimpering for attention. Lonely and afraid.  I am pleased each day as his life is restored.  I am thankful that his life is no longer being threatened.  I am thankful that he is recovering. It was such a gift this morning that George, the rescue cat, came out into the living room, walked up to Gilbert and put his head inside Gilbert’s cone of shame and rubbed noses.  Gilbert’s tail wagged. He’s been bored more now. Unable to play with the cone on.  Frustrated, and here was George making contact.
Thank God we are not alone. Even if this is a mental created illusion of me and others it’s better than that deep sense of despair that I feel at times when I touch the isolation and existential angst.  Thank you for the Holy Spirit, the advocate sent by Jesus to comfort us who are Christians.  I find comfort in that sense of connection with God.
“In the beginning was the word and the word was with God and the word was God.”  John 1.1
Thank you for the word.  Thank you for the silence and the word. Thank you for the contrasts.  Even now thank you for the rain after the glorious sunshine.
Thank you for the coffee and the oat meal. Thank you for the Red River Cereal I bought and ate a bowl of last week. Thank you for the brown sugar which I bought for the Red River Cereal but have now enjoyed with Quaker Oats.  Thank you for this keyboard and this couch and this table. There is so much I take for granted.
Thank you for all those I disparage and criticize especially the institutions and government. Thank you for the Prime Minister if not this satanic buffoon but for the position and the hierarchy. Thank you for leadership and beurocracy and ministries of health and communication and defence and finance even when I disagree with them.
Thank you for the courts and judges even though I feel increasingly they are becoming tyrannical and removed from the world of fairness and justice. Thank you for objectivity and the people who will put an end to the tyranny of ‘emotional abuse’ and ‘sexual harrassment’ and ‘racism’ and all the weaponized words and invasion of leftist communist aetheist ideology.  Today is the anniversary of the Un American Committee that reviewed Hollywood and black listed communists infiltrated into the arts community with the agenda of subterfuge and destruction.
I  enjoyed reading the article of Putin's time as a nihilistic KGB agent infiltrating the European 'hippy' scene, undermining peace and recruiting operatives. I remember meeting such an operative when I was in the Peace movement and wanting disarmament but suddenly this focussed fellow insisted we should unilaterally disarm and demanded it. It was so strange and I'd not trained as a group psychiatrist then so didn't know as I witnessed it, this hijacking of process.  The whole group had been promoting bilateral disarmament and then this fellow began to speak up vociferously, well trained, and insisting with much emotional and shame that good people would lay down their weapons first and that we could trust the aethesist communists.  They were just like us.  Everyone wanted peace, he said. I know today that's not the case that so many want war.  They profit from it, like Lenin and the UN. Many like to play with it and see if they can 'control' it and direct it's forces. I see it all like a cattle stampede and the young wealthy sons and daughters of the elite riding to the front and having stampeded the cattle now try to direct it to where it profits them most.
Today it’s Harvey Weinstein. There was no consequence to the woman who complained that Trump groped her 40 years ago. There is no consequence in the courts or in society today for ‘false accusations’.  There is no consequence for all those who through sins of omission and through 'enabling' supported the Harvey Weinstein's of the world.   The fake news, lying on the grandest scale is huge profit.  Fake news  has been caught repeatedly as the alt-left, CNN and CBC have worked their propaganda angles doing fifth columns from within. No one is punished for lying.  Goebbels reigns and it's all just 'white washed as marketing'.
“J’ACCUSE!” “J’ACCUSE!” “JACCUSE!”
Under French law, the false accuser must pay the penalty that would have been paid by the accused if the accuser was truthful.
I self reported that I was smoking marijuana and went to AA to address my smoking marijuana and nicotine and drinking. The drinking was a minor issue relative that when I drank I smoked marijuana and hence had to stop drinking because by definition this was alcoholism, as I persisted in doing a criminal act which held risk despite my realization of this. I saw a psychiatrist who recommmended I smoke marijuana and discussed my wine drinking with him as I was considered a wine connoseiur at the time. He felt that I didn’t have a problem but understood the ethical and moral dilemna that’s I had with ‘breaking the law’.  Marijuana was against the law and so many I knew had gone to jail and otherwise had their lives ruined by their contrary behaviour.  I could get get my ex wife to seek help as her behaviour was far far worse and that impaired she was a danger to herself and others but refused to seek help.
I don’t believe Justin Trudeau sought help with his addiction to marijuania and I don’t believe Morneau is seeking  help with his addiction. If anything I expect both are speaking to lawyers and marketing agents to improve their  lying and dissembling.  They lack remorse.  So the elite see lawyers and the poor see counsellors.  I doubt that Harvey Wallenstein or Bill Clinton will any time soon attend one of those mandatory sexual behaviour group counselling sessions the Justice Institute sells so vociferously for huge profit.
Now I’ve held myself to the highest standards of ethics and morality despite the constantly moving end point of political correctness.  I’ve never raped or sexually violated a woman.  I have fought for women’s rights and been ridiculed and shamed and beaten for supporting 'equality' and 'fairness' and  meritocracy. I've insisted gender, sexual orientation and other such factors should not decide who flies the plane.   I’ve been celebrated repeatedly for my “non discrimination”.  I've challenged based all the false flags and false values. I've have faced the wealthy and powerful on behalf of the principles and poor.  I have been physically attacked repeatedly for defending women and LGBT members and yet today the lies pile on and on. The cost to me personally has been in the tens of thousands of dollars.
Increasingly the “emotionally abused’ insist that they are ‘more’ harmed that those who have been shot and beaten and raped.  This is of course the age old demand for the girl who has it all to claim that she is a greater victim. It’s Sense and Sensibility.The courts have been taking smoking pot or are grotesquely power hungry like our present Government and are  increasingly removing them selves from the realm of objectivity to subjectivity.  Objectivity is all that the poor have had to balance the power of institutions, corporations and the elite, despite the latter's capacity for manipulations of 'evidence'.  The Judge becomes all powerful in the court of 'subjectivity'. This was what was once called the Kangaroo Court and was what always reigns in Communist revolutions.  The judge plays to the crowd and fears for his position so is politically correct.
The Assistant Registrar at the College of Physicians and Surgeons said “Women Don’t Lie About Sex”.  This is not out of context. This is reality. This kind of narcissism and arrogance and ignorance was confirmed at the Gomece trial where the Judge found the accused ‘not guilty’ and hundreds of women insisted that the judge was wrong and ‘women don’t lie about sex”.  Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it. We had a decade when children who were used as weapons by parents in divorce cases were said “not to lie about sexual abuse.’  This is tribalism. It’s primitive sociopathic behaviour.
A sociopaths is a person who is of a group that has rules they obey within their group but not with outsiders who belong to the larger group. The Hells Angels theoretically wouldn’t steal from another Hell’s Angel but would steal from a Canadian citizen. Canadian Citizenship before the traitorous Un Canadian PM Trudeau took office superseded other social groups. Now however the courts of Canada are separated into some for us, Sharia Courts for Muslims and Indigenous Courts for Natives. Under Justin Trudeau there is no longer one law. Morneau and Trudeau are not held accountable to the same law as I am.
There is in CAnada like in the Middle East where the courts are uniformly corrupt, like the UN which is a den of theives, one law for the rich and one law for the poor.  The poor as we know in Canada now include the middle class. Because of social communism and the socialism of Globalism there is now an Elite, these are politicos and administrative class bean counters and paper pushers. They’re otherwise useless incompetents with lust and addiction to power.
Everyone lies. That’s why we have big brains.
Thank you God for my Big Brain.  Thank you God for my capacity to lie.  Yet thank you too for the Ten Commandments that demand in a society that I do not bare false witness. There are white lies and black lies, good secrets and bad secrets, good lies and bad lies. I have been sneaking pills into my dog in his food all week. If I didn’t disguise them he would not take them.
Thank you God for the Balance of Power.  Thank you for winter as it cleans and sterilizes the ravages of summer, the insect infestations and fires and dirt in the street.  Thank you for the pendulum that swings. Thank you for all those who see in Justin Trudeau the same megalomania that was in his father, Lenin, Napoleon,  Hitler and all those historical figures who demanded centralization of power.
Capitalism is decentralization of power
Socialism has been in effect centralization of power.
We have a mixed economy.
 Wall Street is just a huge casino. It  is rigged so the house always wins. " Steal a little and they put you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king."
For women, the most popular "50 Shakes of Grey" , more loathsome insidious overt pornography than ever Hugh Hefner stooped to, would be an episode of Criminal Minds were it not for the perpetrator being a billionaire.
I don’t trust Ottawa, Victoria or Washington or Moscow and especially I don’t trust Bei Jing. Brussels is distinctly evil.  Merkel played them all so well with her 'migrant armies' and 'scab labour' and overall threats.  She's East German. Her moves are so like the Cold War operatives.  There's that old guard world domination group left over from the Cold War and they're still so powerful with their secret cabals and wealth dating back to the Nazi wars and before.  A few families of elite playing with the world like a single family can control the politics of a country.  Corporate monarchies.
Thank you God for Faith. There is faith and anxiety.  Anxiety is a measure of one’s distance from God.  I have been too anxious with Gilbert's surgeries and the deaths of patients from Fentanyl.  There's a war on Canada by the Chinese who are marketing death for the west just as Canada was a conduit for terrorists against America.  Trudeau paid a terrorist 10 million dollars rewarding him for killing an american soldier and making bombs to kill Canadians.  All the gobbledygook legalism and disgusting disrespect for Canadian people still doesn't allow pot head pretty boy Trudeau to claim that 'two wrongs make a right'.  Even now as the Canadian dollar plummets further and the value of the country devolves to third world standard and our health care system caves, Canadians ask why is Mr. Trump playing hard ball with Justin Trudeau over trade.  You don't bite the hand that feeds, silly.  Stop the flow of heroin into the US through Vancouver and stop terrorists going into American and stop paying people for killing American soldiers.
I had hoped that Good Women would stop the Vagina Headed women and insist that these Subjective Nutbars join greater society. We have watched the Left with extreme violence attack the law and order of society and increasingly introduce new ‘justifications’ and ‘rationalizations’.  The whole ‘divide and conquer ‘and lack of willingness of the judges and the parliament to stop this raging insanity is diabolical. Always the marketing propaganda lies. Mr. Trump says he's going to stop 'illegal' immigration and the Left , the deceitful CBC and CNN say Trump is against Immigration.  Bill Clinton and Obama said 'stop illegal immigration' and no one said they were against 'immigration'.  They profited by saying one thing and doing another.  The democrat voters were dominated by illegal aliens.
According to the Charboneau Enquiry Quebec, the political home of the Liberals and Justin Trudeau, is ruled by Biker Gangs and Mafia.  Canada is no longer 'strong and free' but ruled by criminals whose incomes come from gambling proceeds, selling drugs, alcohol and pornography taxes. Why shouldn't young people kill themselves.  They're born into a rigged system and their value is only as consumers. Consumer fentanyl.  Nihilism.
Every person I know who has been physically (objectively) abused has been equally if not more ‘emotionally abused’.  You can have ‘emotional abuse’ without physical abuse but you can not have physical abuse without emotional abuse.  So where are the voices of women responding to this insanity.  Where are the voices of men. Where are those who say, sorry you don't get to claim 'equal suffering' and insist on 'safe zones' for 'bad words'.  Dr. Peterson in Canada must fight to live. When will the heads of universities that have allowed this debacle of education be challenged.  When will the university stop being a propaganda outlet for communism and sharia.
White privilege is a crock.  In India I had no 'white privilege' and in Africa they're killing whites .  The 'ruler' and his 'class' have superiority for a time. The Chinese are the most racist of all and each successful Chinese revolution has put their people in place. Now this lot is killing any indigenous people.  Jews were killed but now are ruling Palestine with an iron fist having see what they themselves did as revolutionaries. The ideas of Marx came from their ghetto existence, their years in Babylon.  But the Chinese are ethnic cleansing the Tibetans.  So here the uprising of blacks demands that whites give them what they earned.  George Soros profits from social war so supports Black Lives Matters. The Muslims massacred the Christian Kurds and the UN supported the genocides because the largest armies of the UN are muslim.  Money going to the UN goes to outfit the Muslim army of Bangladesh. Wahabi Sunni muslims kill other muslims.  The Saudi's killed the equivalent of the Shiite Pope in their country, out right murdered the man, no different than if Trudeau had ordered the Dalai Lama killed.  The steamroller narrative and marketing of fake media CBC and CNN hardly burped.
When is the pendulum going to swing. Do we need to return women to Burqas and declare the whole ‘women’s liberation’ and ‘meritocracy’ movement a dismal waste of time and failure.  Pierre Trudeau with his strong arm Mortgentaller aborted the catholic and Christian babies of Canada in the tens of thousands insisting that there was no room for children and unwilling to pay for mother hood. The women’s liberation movement was a movement supporting Women not Girls.  Mothers were included. Marriaed women were included. Feminism hijacked the Women’s Liberation and Suffragete movement and made it Social or Cultural Communism - women against men and girls against mothers with the abortionists killing more people than wars. Now Justin Trudeau who with his most un feminist wife just like his father with his addle brained drug addicted wife like Stalin with his crazy suicidal wife insists that we need to take refugees.
His SCAB VOTER campaign.
As much as I admire Sikh’s it’s clear our Defence Minister is a crazy ego inflated lwho insists he wins wars single handed is not representative of Sikhs in general.  His turban doesn't conceal his long hair but a swollen head.   What country in the world has a Defence Minister who wasn’t born in this Country?  Trudeau is selling citizenship and voting status en mass.  That’s what traiters do. This country is under siege and who cares.
Thank you God that I am old and slouching towards my dying end of life.
My father told me in his 90's  if he’d known that this was what Canada would become he’d never have fought in WWII. I’m utterly disillusioned .  I now know why he loathed the Trudeau family as evil as the Clintons, satanic and deceitful with arrogance galore.
Thank You God that I am nearing the dying end of life. . There are few years to remain.  I feel sadly for the next generation enslaved to the elite, Canada as increasingly an extension of the corruption of the  Middle East, Canadians collectively like Saudi citizens.  Trudeau would have us have a Sharia Bank already having introduced Sharia Courts. 1984 told it all. Some pigs are better.
I loved singing the Canadian anthem as a child, "True North Strong and Free" But they’re destroying the statues.  IF this was India and Trudeau was Prime Minister,  the Taj Mahal would have to be destroyed. ISIS destroyed the churches.  I learned recently when Ragga fell that there were videos of the ISIS fighters beheading Christian martyrs as Ragga was a Christian town.  The blood of Ragga Christian martyrs was then put in vials and ships en mass to Saudi Arabia. Muslims are told to Jihad and if you are too old to physically jihad then you are to send money to the jihad and that way be apart of the jihad. So this blood was payment to Saudi from Isis Jihadists to the money backers. And the video showed these old men, the brothers of Saudi elite Obaman bin Laden washing their hands in Christian blood. I am a Christian and Jews condemn me for defending my faith today. I have never criticized Jews for defending Israel against the hoards of muslims wanting to annihilate Jews in the middle east. Yet here in Canada I defend my fellow Christians and find no solidarity, no voices of support from the so called 'multi cultural' country, this land where we have tolerated the screaming raving atheists, the whining and self pitying of all the other religions of the world but when Christians are beheaded and their blood is sent to Saudi Arabia so bankers can wash their hands in it, well Justin Trudeau just gives my tax money to Muslims and celebrates terrorists.
The Civil War Statues are coming down in the States. If this was England then the Tower off London would be destroyed by Black lives matter.  Communists destroy history.  In Moscow they are rebuilding all the churches that Lenin destroyed if only for the tourist value. Aethesists would destroy the Louvre.
Wake up.  Wake up. Wake up.
Gratitude. Thank you Lord for those who will right these wrongs. Just as Pierre Trudeau was sent to the ashes and four prime ministers tried to clean up the mess he left with his communist ideology and arrogance so too will this pass. Just as they are building churches again in Moscow, the Muslim Jihad was stopped in Vienna, and Brexit is countering the Brussels beurocrat dictatorship revolution.    The despicable destruction by Justin Trudeau of all that is Canadian, the culture of Canada and values of Canada so well stated by Dr. Kellie Liethc,  and all respect for Law and Order, this criminal law breaker, will one day be gone as that greatest criminal Mao and Che and Castro went.  Please God let Trudeau go before Canada is reduced to a communist wasteland like Cuba and Venezuela and it's jails swell with independent thinkers , like the Gulag, Auschwitz and the jails of Mecca,  Tehran and Venezuela.  Canada is fast becoming a  country of lawless , a pirate’s den today.
Patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings.
I have no home. Jesus said that too.  My kingdom is not of this world.
I will go to work and serve my patients even today as Abortionists make more money and have more acclaim than those who heal.   Abortionists are rewarded more in Canada than  obstetrician.  The government now pays and celebrates more the doctors who do euthanasia than their colleagues. The College of Physicians and Surgeons has never published sanctions against any abortionists and hell will freeze over before we read of a doctor practicing euthanasia being sanctioned.
Where have you gone Dugald Christie?
Thank you God for all I have been given. Thank you God for your love and the promise of escape from this veil of tears. Thank you God for those good people who do the good fight and see clearly today. Thank you God that I am old and my days are numbered.  Thank you God for my teachers and friends and family and those who have passed on before me.

CMDS 2017 - Psychiatrist Meeting

At the CMDS Conference there was a meeting arranged for psychiatrists to discuss the new euthanasia legislation.  We had several practicing psychiatrists, retired psychiatrists, missionary doctors and a couple of new residents.  Concern was expressed by all who noted that when people are suicidal they are most often not in their right mind to be making a life and death decision. Further if they are given the option of suicide then they can cling to that without consideration of alternative simply because it is a drastic permanent solution to what is most commonly a temporary problem.  The residents stated that it was already being discussed with patients as a potential option.
The psychopharmacologists present, especially the older ones, listed countless cases of patients who presented suicidal because of untreated psychiatric illness whose suicidality stopped once their mental illness was addressed. It was such a common psychiatric practice and all had observed that a new medication could be literally life saving.  Of those present several commented on observing this just recently with the latest of our medications for depression and anxiety, TRINTELLIX, PRISTIQ and ABILIFY.  Patients who had previously had no relief experienced this with a change of medication and almost miraculously they stopped being suicidal. Their lease on life was restored.
Emotional pain was discussed as similar to physical pain. and Once the emotional pain was addressed hope was restored. There was further the idea that suicidal thoughts were common in the general practice and especially in the psychiatric practice but the obsession with suicide and suicidal behaviour could often represent psychotic thinking.  Again once the psychosis was treated the obsession to suicide lifted.  Everyone had seen such cases and expressed concern with the new almost beurocratic approach to death appearing to encouraging suicide.
There was also discussion of various psychotherapies which had worked to shift a patient from negative thinking to positive thinking. Cognitive behavioural therapy and paradoxical interventions and now dialectic therapies all have been shown again and again to cause a patient initially suicidal to simply rethink their options, choose life and move forward. The original psychoanalytic approaches still worked miracles.  But every year there  major advances in the potential psychotherapeutic approaches to the treatment of mental illness and especially suicidality.
Everyone present had known a suicidal patient and seen the devastation that suicides caused for the families and friends who felt helpless and seemed invariably to think that of it as the ‘wrong’ decision, ‘irrational’, or 'premature'.  Yet the patient often presented 'as rational' and so often insisted they had really thought of or tried all options which we as psychiatrists most often saw was simply untrue.
There was a sense too that this paralleled the abortion issue which had similarly begun with extreme outlier examples and lots of mobilization of public support and moving quickly to  the present state of the most lucrative abortion industry with its powerful financially invested lobby.  How long would it take before psychiatrists might face being arrested for not encouraging euthanasia.  Further given the financial realities of child rearing costs in Canada, increasingly abortion is forced on even the middle class. To call it ‘choice’ is a joke when in Toronto and Vancouver professionals with two incomes can’t afford a house and often barely manage to manage with prohibitive taxation. How long before the 'choice' of euthanasia is similarly forced on individuals. That certainly was the case in Holland where the older depressed patients were getting euthanasia rather than psychiatric care.
I especially liked the youngest person present who said , “I don’t like the euphemism, MAID. It’s euthanasia. I think my generation isn’t as stupid as the politicians think that they can candy coat a thing and eveyone won’t recognize it as euthanasia."
Personally I was thankful to be with other caring clinicians. I’ve been devastated by many suicides working in the highest risk populations. In this fentanyl crisis I’ve had several young patients overdose. Frankly I’m not sure if this wasn’t suicide given the increasingly callous disregard of the mentally ill and marginal by the privileged elite of our society.  Increasingly I feel that my patients aren’t wanted. I am thankful for the Christian Medical and Dental Society because the clinicians, especially my colleagues in psychiatry, demonstrate such compassion.
We also discussed the pseudoscientific positions  the increasingly aetheist authorities misuse and misrepresent science mostly to increase taxes and reduce services.  There just aren't enough resources for the mentally ill, not enough acute or chronic beds and not enough psychiatrists or recovery options.
As clinicians working in the field of psychiatry in Canada most of us really feel we need spiritual solace in dark times.  Being with these colleagues I remembered again that I must never forget that Jesus was a healer.  I personally can solace in the Lord and comfort in the fellowship of faithful healers.
Praying with fellow psychiatrists was the highlight of my trip.  Thank you Jesus.

12 steps to restoring sanity.

I love when ‘you’re feeling kind of lonesome and crowd calls out for more’  and you can turn your back on all the demands and go to a place where pretty soon everyone really does know your name.

I’d been trusting and vulnerable and the old paranoia that wasn’t paranoia but reality came back.   I began feeling scared again.  There’s that place where you get in a fetal position and just rock because people who are supposed to be caring are hurting you. I didn’t know that as a kid.  I learned that as an adult.

I was forced against my will.  Sometimes it just comes back. That feeling of helplessness and terror.  They always begin their hurt with claiming you hurt them but you didn’t. You weren’t even in the country when they claimed you hurt them. Their stories unravel with layers and layers of lies but no one cares about the truth anymore. They tell you that it’s okay to feel but the moment you let down the guard the keys come out.  The locks and bolts and the pain seems unbearable. They don't want to hear what you have to say. They say that but all they want to hear is what they've told you to say. It's an education in political correctness. If you say this the pain stops. But it only stops when you figure out the words.
I still remember the pain.  I’d had surgery and they came.  After surgery you just want to lie safely and heal.   You don't want to be marched about on display.  I was expected to perform tricks and smile.  I remember limping.  There’s a thing called spasticity.  The muscles can all go into these bundles of pain. It’s a reaction.  It comes back to me at times. When I’m threatened. When the falsehoods are piling higher and higher.  
It’s called catastrophising.  What I'm doing.
You’re not going back there.
I repeat, "All shall be well. All shall be well.  And all manner of things shall be well." An Anglican minister, himself falsely accused, taught me that nearly a quarter of a century ago.
Breathe in, breathe out.  I remember St. Augustine. I try to focus on Brother Lawrence.
Everything I've  done for work is for life.   Now they want me to kill.  It’s an option they say.  When someone is vulnerable and afraid and you're just supposed to say matter of factly, " we could end it now."
It’s so terrifying to think how easily I would have. Back then. When they would have if they could and I would have because there didn't seem much to live for after all the lies and betrayal. I was wrong.  There was life after.  In so many ways life began then.
The pain was unbearable. The lies were excruciating. The love so betrayed. It’s hard enough carrying on when death is discouraged. But now they’re actually encouraging it.
I hear them saying, "You cost too much." I remember all the fights I had to get a bed or stop someone being turfed. Administration hated me.  Not a team player.  Wouldn't let people die on my watch.  Now I'm told it was a mistake.  I should have killed them outright. My life's work an error.  It all could have been so much easier if I'd just been a 'team player'.
I feel all used up. Like Jack Nicholson in What about Schmidt. I feel old.   I can't go back and undo the damage.  I can't kill people now.
I’m poor by comparison too so there's no future for me.  I'm looking at death. Some young do gooder with a lethal injection smiling to please his superiors, thinking he's doing well. Like I was when I helped people live..
I guess they don’t like us crowding the streets. I don't like the congestion in the city either but I don't have the power to do something about it.  Maybe if I did I'd stir up war and get more people to kill themselves and sell drugs and get rid of the trouble makers who've lived here a while, bring in some easier lead cattle.  It all seems like Solyent Green, just they haven't started feeding us to each other. Maybe that comes later when they've diverted more resources to their own palaces and jets. I don't know. It all seems so far above my pay grade. I'm just trying to live and I'm finding that's my mistake.  
Young people are now being taught to kill us. Not outright in plain speak English. They speak beurocratese, legalese and doublespeak and legalese but what it comes down to is, “WE want you dead,  Dr. Hay. You've always been a trouble maker.   We need your bed for someone else. You thought you earned it but they're entitled to it.”
It’s not like the new ones attracted to this, the predators, they're not going to come right out and say,"  I got this job because I like to kill people”. That’s what the pedophiles did who joined the priesthood.  There weren't even one in a thousand but that's all it takes if that one has power over you. Doctoring is more attractive without the hippocratic oath to some. Especially the powerful who know it won't  happen to them.
All the guilt and shame and regrets and self pity assail me at times. I devoted myself to the company job. I  gave  my all healing and  to saving lives.  Now that looks ridiculous in retrospect.The lengths I went to saving people. The risks I took.
I thought I was a salesman for life. I convinced hundreds to live.  I argued against death daily. I  still do. It’s ludiculous. I’m the fool. I see the disdain in the faces of the  powerful politically correct.    What an idiot they think I am.  I feel their censure as they grow more powerful given  the option to kill.  Recreational marijuana and heroin and dealing addiction and death but calling it medical and health care. It's all in the name.  There's a book called a Tyranny of Cliches I must read.   I can't get into see a doctor but here's a little dope and death while you wait.
It terrifies me because I remember that my doctor gave me hope. Doctors aren’t supposed to hold that out any more.  It’s all reduced to boxes. I'm to ask people to check their choices. Fill out the on line form and we're arrange your medical marijuana and medical death for you and throw abortion in for free.  Family deals in death. If your score doesn’t add up quite right up by some computer projection scale  then we give you  death anyway.  Really its humane. There's even new euphemisms for euthanasia.  It's all in the marketing.
I really did believe there would be a pasture.  I really hoped for a meadow to hang out in.Maybe I'd have some more sailing time. Maybe a bit of fishing. That all costs money. Once you’re finished working there's  a better place for you.
I was supposed to be at a banquet.  The people are all lovely but they’ve mostly not been on the other side. They've not been locked up. They don’’t know personally the minority of their colleagues who are psychopaths,  take pleasure in pain,  and live for control and only protect their own.  They're good people. They've invited me into their home.  I'm kind of rough. A prodigal son.
I rode motorcycles with a lot of different folk.  Outlyers mostly. I loved when I finally joined the Biker Church. We've all got scars and tattoos. I first heard Third Day at the Biker Church long before I'd attend their concert, after their songs got me through some really wild storms.  I could finally play spiritual music without falling asleep barrelling down the highway.  I still like Steppenwolf.
There’s a real insanity in speed.  Believing leathers will protect you.  Knowing grace every time you step on and step off the big bikes. There’s a thrill.  They marginalize and reduce us.  Make what we are a disease,  ‘adrenaline junkies’ they say.  But they don’t climb mountains or sail open seas or race motorcycles.  I think I'm conservative because I don't jump out of planes like some of my friends. A lot of guys and girls I know are ex military. Then there's the cowboys and cowgirls.  Rural folk. City people think everyone is like them and they think they're tolerant and understanding. We wish.
 Sometimes in their churches we don't feel welcomed.   Gospel is meant to be praise and thanksgiving but to go to some churches it seems people are acting like there’s a special merit in  passive aggressiveness.  Not the right sort of people.
I liked the the biker church.  It was alright.  Gospel riders talking about god and love long after the talk of lust and power had worn thin.
I guess I’ve known too many deaths that weren’t planned.  I’ve lost friends. I’ve lost men to death and women to divorce. The fact is the older I get the more afraid I am to get close to anyone.  Bernie and Hank gone. Family gone.
Old is good among the bikers.  Not anywhere else in this bigger society called Canada anymore.  If I was aboriginal or Chinese maybe it would be okay to be old.  Old and male and even white are the new discard words.  Past shelf life.  
Thankfully there's another place where it's okay to get old.  When I'm feeling insane and want to be among people who God has restored to sanity or is supposed to be in the process of doing there's this place I can go.  They don’t care what colour your skin is. They don't care what car you drive. It's a Travelling Wilbury kind of place.   So I just picked up the phone in my hotel.  Sure enough the city had a central office and someone was doing service manning the phone.  A man answered stating his name and condition.  I responded in kind.  Kind of a special verbal handshake. “I’m looking for a meeting.” I said.  I can tell now when I'm feeling kind of insane.
He told me the nearest one to where I was. I knew I could have asked  and  someone would have come to take me there.   I hopped a taxi instead.  When I walked in  sure enough the room was full people. I was pretty sure some of them had had a struggle to get out of the safety of their rooms.  There was coffee. Even cookies.  I sat down.  Asked if there was anyone from out of town. I raised my hand.
“Welcome,” they all said. The healing rituals began to take hold.   I knew the reading. I liked them talking about the futility of thinking of yesterday and tomorrow. I knew I got into the trap of worrying and regretting.  I just couldn’t break away from the crazy thinking. The dark places in the city were starting to look attractive. It was them or the fetal position.  Prayer and meditation weren't holding up against the pressure of endless demands and the chronic threat. It's a seige and they don't care how it messes with the mind. The process is the punishment.  I feel more and more alone.  The past and future get a stranglehold on the present.
But listening.  I begin to feel glad to be old. I applaud the newcomers along with everyone else..  It going to be okay.  Just for today.  Everything was going to be okay.

A white haired guy was asked to speak. He shared his inner story of failure and redemption.    He even talked  of miracles and no one ridiculed him. It was like at the meeting I was at when all these men and women did intercessionary prayer and no one was offended. Everywhere I go people are offended. Knee jerk offence mechanisms and name calling. I feel like I'm in a re run of the moving Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I 'm afraid to speak.  But here we all laughed.
In the background in this poorly lit basement of a church there was a banner. It wasn't part of the meeting but it was there for only me to see.  It said “Christ is risen.”  I thought about how we are all inter related, children of God.  Not some accident or random explosion.  But the product of an act of love. That felt better than the intellectual pseudoscience soup.
I drift in and out of the story the man is sharing. His own story.  Another prodigal son.
I’m at home.  I get to know the strangers on either side of me. It’s safe here.  At the end of the meeting we pray together saying words I’ve said so many times before with other strangers.
 I could go for coffee after. We do that. But I walk alone into the night and head down Avenue Road. On University Avenue passing  Queens Park I remember as a child being fascinated by black squirrels play there.
Eventually I turned at King street. Soon I was  in bed watching Vin Diesel XXX save the world. He's a funny guy, that Vin Diesel.  The stuntmen in his movies are incredible.
Another day is done.  One day at a time. I just have to live one day at a time.
They’re not going to kill me today.  They’re planning it. They’re getting all the legal work ready so they can claim they were doing me a favour. They're changing the words to make it sound right. But it’s not happening today. And I survived all those yesterdays.
And tomorrow. Well thats today.  Today I can make it again.  I just have to do the next right thing.

CMDS Toronto 2017 Conscience Protection and Euthanasia Notes

These are notes I took from the afternoon today.  Larry the CMDS Executive Director and Alberto the lawyer for the fight for conscience spoke at length. I only captured a bit of the jist of the matter.  There was so much to hear and so manny slides. But I share this here.  Please forgive the typos and missed bits.  I trust there’s enough left of the very fine presentations to appreciate all that is transpiring in this matter right now.

Coalition for HealthCARE and Conscience
June 2016-May 2017

Presentation by Larry Worthen, Executive Director

Help Protect Conscience Rights Across Canada

Coalition
-founded Jan 2016
Enterprises Consultants and Ensight Consultation
Consultants on retainer
coalition - ‘taking a patients right violates at least one of the following:
Hippocratic Oath
Religions convictions
etc

members
Evangelical fellowship of canada
Catholic society
Salvation army
Canadian Physics for Life
Archdiocese of Vancouver
Achdiocese of Toronto
etc

Bill C-14 passed June 2015 legalized euthanasia
-huge shift in medical care in Canada
-must acknowledge the stress doctors are under
-profession had shifted and was supporting something completely foreign
-intense disappointment and concern
-Margaret Cottle presentation and poetry - got into the hearts
-grieving the change
-if we are to survive these changes the Lord will pull us together
-professional reputation is important to physicians and hard to be vulnerable with each other
-physicians expressed the isolation and feeling the seismic shift , that some colleagues and some patients were no longer in line with them that they were no longer in line with this (euthanasia).

since June 2016
Federal government lobbying
‘nothing in this section would require an individual to provide or assist in the provision of MAID’
conservative private members Bill unsuccessful
ecumenical press conference - Christians, Jews, Muslims all religious people represented saying they don’t like this.
-Christians have been the greatest barrier to success - a lot of Christians are so beaten down by this culture and we give up…..don’t believe this is the Lord’s will for Canada but we’re all brain washed with this whole secularist agenda - we’re programmed into slavery
=Senate Consience amendment defeated
-Christians of all denominations in power positions voted against us….they have their own conscience problems - they feel bowing down to power is better than to follow faith..
-15-20 meetings in Toronto with Ontario officials
discussed palliative care as well as individual and facilities protection
the abortion issue is under the euthanasia issue
conscience rights, the CPSO, College, requires doctors to provide a referral for medical assistance in dying -
we were faced with perception that we would not accept LGBT community
The Cardinal advised them that Catholics and Christians were among the first to respond to Aids in Canada
No other foreign jurisdiction requires MAID referrals
Ontarion hyman Rights and Charter of Rights and Freedoms protect people from discrimination based on religion conscience or creed
CPSO experts insist conscientiously objections phsyciins leave family medicine, palliative care and move to cosmetic surgery or pathology - this attitude is embedded within the structure
Udo Schulen - ‘doctors must put patient interests before their own integrity”  If this means doctors leave the practice of medicine so be it.
Explicit support from Conservatives and to a lesser extent NDP
50 meetings between physicians, MPPs Cabinet ministers and senior beurocrats.  Cabinet was impressed that doctors would leave work and come to lobby, that there were young and female and coloured doctors involved.
Legislation 84 Dec. 7 16 - opportunity to include amendment
Ontario announced a ‘care coordination service’….patients can access but physicians must provide referral


Call for Conscience Campaign
-educate Ontarians
made 3 min video
presentation resources - sample pulpit announcement
information for churches to get voters to write MPP
Christians haven’t been good in general in these battles
the others are activitists and their people are activists and they will support and write for a particular candidate, they tow the party line, they all work together, they’re better organized.
the Christians - are splintered and don’t talk to each other , catholics don’t talk to catholics in next parish, we’re only learning to be collaborative and activist using the techniques that have been winning against us, we are so individualistic
we were first using the same people used in election campaigns, working with doctors, faith communities, data base of 25000 supporters
our problem was we had few doctors
we allow our petty differences stand in the way of working together as Christians doing what the Lord wants to do through us.

present data base is 28,000
estimated 25, 000 letters went to mrs
130 member churches contacted at least twice by evangelical fellowship of canada
meetings held at synagogues
All chaotic bisihops in On participated
$40,000 raised from web site for legal expenses
Some liberal media were supportive, unheard of in Canada

Conservative proposed amendments
Government didn’t support amendments
Physicians are still required to provide referrals

Care Coordination Service
-patient can access directly
MOHLTC says physicians must call to the name of a doctor who will do assessment and make connection between doctor and patient and provide relevant information to the other physicians
-College sees you as criminal if you do not participate -
Dr. Cottle - CMPA at Palliative Care a year ago - lawyer said patients had charter right to have - lawyer said ‘we’d defend you but don’t expect it to end well’
hence need for court case as a group

Lessons Learned
-we made progress lobbying
-Christians care about conscience and will write letters to their MPP”s
-our attitude can lead us to limit what God can do
-Doctors most effective media approach is
—-describe the emotional impact of being forced to be involved in killing a patient
—-Secularism has replaced pluralism among the governing elites.

Anyone who wants to be a doctor , lawyer or teacher who is a Christian might as well forget it.

We’re bilingual and we operate in secular world and Christian world but there are these people who believe only in the Secular Religion.

It’s evil and immoral.

It’s a spiritual battle.

The ‘silent majority’ must be silent no longer
must come ‘out of the closet’ in the public square and professional
Requires adopting the mindset of the beatitudes
‘Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you MT 5:11-12

This is an inconvenient truth in the scriptures.

We must stop being anonymous Christians

We as Christian are afraid to get out of bed to face the day but do because we must to receive the blessings the Lord has promised.

Alberto, the lawyer,  presentation
Update on the Case
2 challenges - physician obligations
assisted suicides


named the leading Rabbi’s, Ethicists and Researchers, world famous persons who showed that in other jurisdictions there was no requirement for doctors to make referrals and that euthanasia operated without difficulty.
conscientious objection - historical approach given - maintaining the physicians moral objectivity is essential to the profession
countering the narrative that Christians are anti abortion , anti euthanasia, anti LGBT , ant Homeless and all these people will be abandoned but this is not the case
no other regime in the world requires conscientious objectors to refer people
a group of pro abortion people came forward insisting that if doctors aren’t forced to refer then vulnerable people will be without abortion or euthanasia yet despite this bias and this propaganda the evidence doesn’t support this.
nurse expert gave opinion confirming that providing referrals for something that is morally repugnant causes equivalent of ptsd - ‘moral distress’
health care system in Ontario can and should be able to accommodate moral objection
our material is 21 volumes of evidence
most of arguments done in writing
lots of paper
6-12 months for decision
we can win but if we don’t win we will go to the supreme court and that could be another 5 years

I enjoyed meeting and talking later with Dr. Jim Lane a BC Physician who has involved himself in this whole area of physicians of  conscience
.

Baptism

Matthew 21:25  John’s Baptism - where did it come from? Was it from heaven, or of human origin. They discussed it among themselves and said, “If we say, ‘From heaven,’ he will ask, ‘Then why didn’t you believe him?'
Mark 1:4 “And so John the baptist appeared in the wilderness, preaching a a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins.”
Mark 1: 7  “After me comes the one more powerful than I, the straps of whose sandals I am not worthy to stoop down and unit.  I baptize you will water, but he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit."
Mark 1: 9 “At that time Jesus came from Nazareth in Galilee and was baptized by John in the Jordan.  Just as Jesus was coming up out of the water, he saw heaven being torn open and the Spirit descending on him like a dove. And a voice from came from heaven: “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased."
Baptism is a central ritual of the Christian faith.  At the time of the writing, John and Jesus were Jews.  Indeed much of Christian history Christianity was thought to be an errant Jewish faith. The orthodox Jew therefore might well consider Jesus a minor prophet and teacher but that he is not the Messiah. There is a formalism in Judaism that Jesus challenged. He criticized the teachers of  the law of his day, the leaders of the synagogue of his day and the bureaucrats of his day.  King Herod is said to have tried to kill him even as a child because he was a threat to the political authority of the day.
Asked about money, he picked up a coin with the face of Cesar stamped on it and said, “Give unto Cesar, Cesar’s due.”  There’s definitely an irony in this but he said his “Kingdom was in heaven”.  There is a duality here.
Yet, we know from modern science and physics that Energy and Matter are one, except for appearance, matter, simply being slow energy. As scientists we accept the unseen whereas the materialists of an earlier day would say, “show me”.  Electricity and wind and other forms of energy are today seen no longer as ‘spiritual forces’ but they once were.  We are closer to understanding that which matters but not yet there.  Heisenberg with his ‘uncertainty principle’ and Neils Bohr with his intuitive grasp of quanta pointed us further all the while Einstein insisted, ‘God does not play with dice’.  Newton before him was a Godly man.
Central to the idea of baptism is this idea of ‘sin’.  To sin meant in the day to ‘miss the mark’.  It was likened to an archer aiming at a target, having the intention of hitting the bulls eye but despite all manner of effort unable to consistently 100% of the times actually shoot a bullseye. This deviance from perfection, the coordination between intent and outcome was what was at stake.
Modern ballistics continues to struggle with this ‘idea’.  That’s just at the physical realm where the scientists continue to struggle with concepts of precision and consistency, all in an attempt to remove ‘confounding variables’ and ‘lab error’ .  The words are different but the ideas of the ancients remain as true today as then.
I might indeed have ‘good intentions’ but the outcome is like my experience with love.  Married I ‘loved’ with the best intentions to the best of my ability believing thoroughly that I was only to be perceived by my now ex wife as unloving.  In my earlier life I really believed ‘all you need is love’ and devoted myself to the depth and exploration of romantic erotic love. Like the majority of rock and rollers, writers and artists of my day I failed.
I was thoroughly defeated by the abortion. Ironically the birth control pill which had promised freedom through prevention lead to the slippery slope that culminated in abortion.  I was powerless to stop this result so that what had seemed like a good thing, pleasure, without consequence became the deepest injury.  Homosexuality, anal sex, oral sex, masturbation all followed from the death of the child.  Heterosexual love and children were so intertwined but the church and society celebrated murder in every form.  I was a member of this society, and a murderer by association.
Repentance is an interesting word from another error, just like the word ‘sin’.  Today there is a low brow approach to cause and effect.  Determinism or fate suggests that there can be ‘no praise’ and ‘no blame’. Yet our society and most individuals I know who consider themselves ‘modern’ personally accept praise while rejecting blame.  Most of the social constructs and isms are devoted to this ‘dualism’.  Feminism attributes wrong to men and right to women.  Racism attributes ‘oppression’ to the others and defines the terms of reference to a convenient era that excludes the period when the oppressed were themselves the oppressors.  Nationalisms attribute good to their people and blame the outsides. There’s a kind of tribalism throughout the society and lawyers are mostly involved in playing this ‘blame game’.  Everyone including murderers and pedophiles and whatever flavour of the month is in fashions claims ‘I’m right. You’re wrong’.
People worship the ‘law of the jungle’ and ‘survival of the fittest’.  “Give unto cesar what is cesar’s due”.  Yet Arendt’s description of the ‘banality of evil’ is lost on the present generation.
Sprinkling or immersion in water.
Forgiveness of sins.
There is inherent in this the consideration of ‘morality’.  Morality is an individual code perhaps taken from the group ethics inculcated in the child by the social order.  When great atheist Sartre said that God was dead, the great theist ,C.S. Lewis said that the evidence of death would take a generation or two to show because the morality and ethics of a country were created around the idea of God, that ‘ultimate’ expression of ‘good’.
Kultura was the idea of a national expression of the highest.  Oswald Chambers book, “My Utmost for his Highest’ is laughable in today’s era where art is a woman’s shit on a piece of paper. Faeces art sells like Rapp and fashion like religion becomes a ‘who’s in’ with daily shifts of sentiment and emotion chasing the tail of the dragon, so much created in drug hazes and alcoholic blurs.  The emperor has no clothes.
Holy Spirit is a strange word. When psychiatrists wrote of ‘discovering the unconscious’ they were addressing the ‘inner world’ concepts which were little appreciated in the ‘age of reason’.  A man was judged by his ‘actions’.  Everyone understood that a variety of thoughts and feelings preceded the act but policing moved into the judgement of language then ultimately ‘thought’.  Today the ‘thought’ police are as evident as the ‘feeling or emotion’ police.  We all must think a particular way and feel a particular way.
The one became many and the many became one.  Someone along this line of development, this oscillating linear consideration there is a comfort zone for the individual.  The struggle between isolation and participation is a lifelong process starting when the individual leaves the ‘fated’ family of origen to create a new family or new group.
Holy is a word that doesn’t get much air play today either.
Carl Jung, the great psychiatrist, described the nuministic feeling, that sense of ‘awe’, what C.S.Lewis called ‘joy’.  There’s a sense of the ‘transcendent’.  It’s the ‘elusive’ high that the drug addict seeks.  Paul Simon wrote the song the “mother and child reunion’ and that sense of expulsion from the ‘womb’ or the ‘severing of the umbilical cord’ or the ‘leaving home’.
Death is the ultimate fear that humans have though they remain in greatest denial about this, puffing themselves up, building all manner of attempts at ‘immorality’ from the reproductive family to a whole range of institutions and ultimately art. The ‘fountain of youth’, the rocket ships to another galaxy all are like medicine a search for pleasure and a flight from death.
Death is the great unknown.  We go to sleep but Hamlet said, “to dream that is the rub’.
We’re a shallow, ignorant group today. Lots of business and words and grovelling but none of the truth of another day when the real questions were asked and discussed.
Today conversations are limited to reality tv and talking heads stupidity.  The clever man amasses wealth.  We are lazy.
War is due if only to challenge the complacent.  A new pairs of shoes and a new breakfast cereal is all we really can grapple with.
Baptism, sin, repentance, right and wrong, holy spirit.  “Like a dove”.  Heaven.
In fear we don’t even look up or look inward any more.  In fear we are caged and don’t disturb the cage.  We kill the young before they are born.  We kill our old.
Scott Peck described this world as a kindergarten.
Jesus participated in baptism.
A voice came from heaven: You are my son, whom I love, with you I am well pleased”.  That’s not something I’ve heard in this world. When I look at my life I am to others mostly a failure.  I have seen the disappointment of my parents, my teachers, my classmates, my family, my friends.  The taxman is the most disappointed.  I am utterly convinced today that my government would kill me for body parts they have so little faith in me or any other Canadian.  They kill the children and now take refugees to teach abortion to.
When you get an atheist together, even a few, they’re fine fellows but whenever there have been many in a group they have destroyed society.  Communists are aetheits. These leftist socialist have murdered hundreds of millions and persecuted everyone who is religion. The religion of atheism makes the religions of theism look cuddly by comparison.
But individually there will always been a Hitchens or Bertrand Russel.  Academics.  But in foxholes and at sea they say there are no atheists.
When one is faced with the great unknown, disease, that horrors of horrors, or death that ultimate unknown there’s a real challenge.
Working with thousands of suicidal people I offered to kill countless explaining I’d not intentionally murdered anyone and would gladly ‘experience’ this ‘new and novel’ ‘high’ with them allowing me to participate in achieving their ends. They were horrified at this because it meant ‘loss of control’.
The illusion of control is central.  It’s not been the essence of the debate of the state sanctioned suicide, euthanasia.  Yet when I offered to kill a person, none, not one, not a solitary individual, accepted the offer.
When I hit a fish over the head I ‘felt’ it’s life go out from it.  I have ‘felt’ the ‘death’ of a carrot when I uprooted it and at it. I felt the death of a baby when I performed an abortion.  I did not feel this when I took milk from the tit of a cow with my father and grandfather laughing as they squirted the milk in my face.  I did not feel I had ‘killed’ like I did with the abortion and the fish, when I cut out cancer.
These are not things we discuss today.
I have been told it is ‘UnCanadian” to think and talk as I do.  I have been consistently condemned for the actions that follow from these thoughts.
I have prayed for stupidity and smoked dope because when I did I ‘fit’ into the world as one who had drunk the kool aid. I didn’t ‘care’ when I was ‘wasted’ and I didn’t care when I was drunk.  My heroin addicts tell me that the only problem with their addiction is not having enough money to support it. To this end the government is supplying free drugs, morphine now, but the plan is for heroin.  The injection sites, distribution centres, are being established.  Marijuana distribution sites are being extended.
Atheists have no ‘prohibition’.  The fall of the USSR is said by some to be a product of the ‘vodka disease’, Russia was the only ‘modern’ nation to show a rise in ‘fetal mortality’ and this was directly a consequence of ‘fetal alcohol syndrome’.
Baptism by water by John was a public event.  Crowds gathered at the Jordan river and participated in this community ritual for the individual.
I did.
I flew to Israel and was baptized in the Jordan river.
Jesus did too. (this is theologically complicated because hair splitters would argue that he was ‘without sin’ so that later he could be a ‘perfect sacrifice’  yet here he is ‘participating’ in a baptism.
Baptism is a ‘drowning’ like ‘ritual’.  The individual who has been baptized is described as ‘reborn’ or ‘born again’.  The old life is demarcated by this event when a new life begins.  The prisoner is let out of jail with a ‘clean slate’.
In the Baptist Churches there is an actual pool, like a mini swimming pool, with sufficient depth that a minister can hold a person fully immersed.
The Anglicans, a much more effete and less robust Christian sect, sprinkle hair on the forehead.
It’s all in the symbolism.
Baptist sinners were sometimes held down by the minister who actually sometimes perceived with good intention he was drowning demons despite the sense that he was a bit sadistic and authoritarian. I saw a near drowning in my childhood church. The minister held this struggling woman underwater and there was a whole lot of thrashing and eventually he let her up blue.  I expect her ‘baptism’ was much more ‘memorable’ than my own in the Anglican church “sprinkling."
The full immersion was however different but no more or less ‘memorable’ . Each in it’s own way was ’transcendent’ . Transcendent or pneuministic might be better described as ’spiritually orgasmic’.