Relationship Gambits: The Ambush, the Departure and Arrival

Therapists coined the term the ‘ambush’ for a particular set of uncivilized behaviours which commonly came under the broader heading of ‘covert aggression’.

In the ambush one person is involved in an activity of importance necessary to what Maslow described as essential matters such as health and safety issues.  That person is often the leader or as transactional analysis therapists described them, in that moment, performing a ‘parent’ role as opposed to being the ‘child’.   In psychodrama this person would be the ‘main’ character on the ‘stage’ or ‘have’ the stage.

In the ambush the ‘parent’ may be assailed by the child with all manner of demands or questions at the very moment the ‘parent’ is ‘doing tax equation to meet that night’s deadline’, ‘defusing an actual bomb’, ‘driving a car in a difficult transaction’, or making the night’s dinner. 

My favourite interruption of this sort is a street person accosting me as I’m preparing my Harley for departure.  This ‘stranger’ suddenly is talking to me about my bike and their days riding and all manner of matters irrelevant to the ‘task at hand’. I’m about to get on a two wheeled conveyance, am going through a check similair to what a pilot does.  My life and those around me depend on my ‘undivided attention’ at that moment. The street person has all the time in the world, like a child, while I like a parent, in this transaction, am on a ‘schedule’ and have a ‘deadline’.  Schedules and deadlines are not things of note to the ‘child’. 

This often drug addled person without time or obligations factors affecting their ‘ambush’ , wanting ‘conversational’ and ‘attentional’ credits at that moment is usually using this conversational gambit to work up to their ‘close’ where they ask for cash or tell some story of ‘need’.  Meanwhile I am further worried about assault or damage to my bike as in this situation I’m vulnerable often having to turn my back on this intruder, when I need to be fully focussed on the the ‘sacred’ moment of ‘departure’.  Departure and arrival are transitional zones which are commonly chosen by those who ‘ambush’ as they at that moment,  remaining stationary,  have ‘position authority’.  Military leaders are most concerned when they are ‘inserting’ themselves into new territory or ‘extracting’ themselves from territory. 

If you respond to that gambit with any manner of response, your ‘tone’ will naturally be unsympathetic and defensive and distracted and the ‘attacker’ will deny profusely anything but
‘positive’ intent. ‘Hey man, don’t get upset I was just commenting on your motorcycle.’  Now instead of focusing on the departure further , the aggreessor’s ‘hurt feelings’ must be ‘appeased’ and the departure is further delayed or sidelined, with the ‘cost’ to the primary ‘on stage event’ by this ‘audience’ person suddenly stepping on the ‘stage’ with their lines from a different play or different timing. As the child thinking only of themselves will insist that they ‘were just talking’ etc.  Adults however learn civilized or mannerly behaviour which involves respect of ‘time and place’ in communications and interactions, and respect for departures and arrivals. .  

A famous Jewish theologian and therapist advised people of the heightened risk of conflict at the point of departure and arrival.  Departures universally are stressful for the departing person with the fear of forgetting something, going out of the safety of the home and all manner of such biological and emotional concerns. These are well observed times for children to ‘act’ up and ‘create a scene’ and generally get ‘attention by negative’ means.  Starting a fight, etc.  This may be further because one is going from a positive place such as a beach vacation back to a winter work situation.  Any such matter may heighten the risk for the irritating nature of this intrusion on concentration and ‘world’ or ‘practical’ considerations at that time.  

In the Navy and Air Force and Military silence is maintained in the cockpit at the moment of departure and arrivals because it’s long been recognized in the work world of the risk inherent at this time for disaster.  Commonly children self excuse their behaviour at this moment by saying they’re just having fun or Why do you have to always get so angry?  Generally speaking the adult or responsible individual is attacked at this point with the standard covert aggression phrases of blaming and name calling and emotional escalation and distraction further distracting from the focus of the operator or parent or pilot.  Unnecessary accidents occur with cost to life and equipment so workplaces are generally better ‘managed’ than recreational situations where a lot of accidents and acts of aggression get by as ‘ambushes’ are also so ‘easily denied’.  They are not necessarily intentional though they are always disrespectful of the priority of safety and the agreed action of departure or arrival at that time.

The street person doesn’t really care about me. He’s being narcissistic though of course would deny this..  

The minute a person reacts by calling the other person names or uses character assasination their underlying aggression is exposed.  The ambush carries this sense of ‘betrayal’ to the experience of the parent, adult, leader or operator or to the actor the sense that the other person is again ‘stealing the stage’. Often the class clown or non sequitur is most effective at such times involving need for attention by others.  They may indeed feel anxious and ‘break the tension’ with their self centred behaviour not themselves having had the experience of leadership or responsibility and just emotionally having difficulty containing themselves. The very nature of ‘covert aggressive’ tactics is that they so often appear ‘passive’. In the ‘ambush’ the person’s behaviour would not be so aggravating except for the ‘timing’ and the ‘context’.

To the external observer they see the street person smiling and friendly and the biker looking angry and irritated and negative. He’d be seen as the bad actor and the ‘ambush’ would appear ‘wholly innocent though perhaps someone would later reflect on the issues of ‘boundaries’ . 

Arrivals are sacred moments. Departures are sacred moments.  In arrivals the primary action is greeting and welcoming or defence.  In departures the primary action is leaving, letting go, transition from stationary and the known to mobile and unknown.  These are sacred times because they are best transitioned by being fully in the moment, practicing what Brother Lawrence calls ‘practicing the presence ‘.  Baba Ram Dass aka Richard Alpert and more recently Eckart Tollé have spoken of this a ‘being in Now’. 

When it comes to the external world of things this whole matter of attention was best described in the book , Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance’. It was also once called ‘respect’ and ‘good manners’ or ‘civilized behaviour’ before the barbaraism of todays social Marxism and identity politics of ‘me first’.   

The Social Terrorism of "I'm concerned" COMPLAINTs, Anonymity and False Accusation

Increasingly in Canada bureaucrats have extraordinary powers and are involved in every aspects of peoples existence.  Unfortunately they are commonly poorly trained, woefully inexperienced and no longer the ‘service’ of yesteryear but now the unionized ‘fat cat’ elites with security, power, benefits and pension. They are attracted less by duty and charity and more by money and petty power and most importantly the lack of accountability that government extends to it’s ‘loyal’ servants.
I just heard of several more ‘I’m concerned’ complaints.  In all cases a passive aggressive sociopath called an agency ‘anonymously’ and advised that agency that they were ‘concerned’ . The ‘concerned’ citizens, once an asset to the community, are now the root of its destruction .They are increasingly just a ‘jail house snitch’ with an agenda.  
Without disclosing details that would expose the individuals these are the three scenarios that I learned of this week.  I’ve encountered these hundreds of times in the past most commonly when I worked on drunken “wet” northern Indian reserves and also in the DTES  urban ghetto. This has however  now  migrated to middle class society and beyond.
A professional “fired" an employee and the employee contacted the licensing body for the professional claiming that they were ‘concerned’ about that professional’s judgement and mental health.  I presumed they learned this ‘technique’ of vengefulness watching the continued caricature of this which has polluted the American political arena.
President Trump having survived countless attacks on his sanity, character, and ability to lead most recently passed ‘dementia’ tests.
A group of the most unprofessional psychiatrists in history came forward and without ‘permission’ or ‘having examined’ the patient proceeded to suggest the President was mentally ill solely because he was a Republican and they were Democrat psychiatrists.  Further  his policy changes would affect their ‘fat cat’ bureaucratic positions.  They indeed expressed their ‘concern’ and presented themselves as ‘helping’.
Meanwhile there has been a non partisan military mechanism in place for assessment and monitoring of the ‘commander in chief’. These “appointed” doctors and psychiatrists are there to serve as a ‘check and balance’.  The group of arrogant psychiatrists had no right to abuse their positions and over ride the democratic institutions. Yet these low brow thugs justified’ their ‘political assault’ on the President and democracy by claiming they were ‘concerned’. The fact is they were self serving narcissists of the lowest common denominator. These  bullies and social terrorists were quite willing to destroy the democracy, the impartiality of psychiatry,, and it’s institutions for their own personal gain. All the while they hid behind the increasingly creepy clown mask of the ‘concerned’ do gooder.
The professional in this case was suddenly ‘assessed’ by a mental health ‘team’ based on the ‘anonymous tip'. The process in the end costs thousands of dollars and was extremely frightening and abusive.  The professional felt that they were in a Communist/Fascist police state and that any ‘enemy’ could on the basis of their ‘allegation’ bring the full power of the government against the individual. Though vindicated , that individual, was denied being told who initiated the vicious attack The anonymous swaggering “concerned”  aggressor  by contrast would be rewarded with the knowledge that through  a phone call or a letter or a visit to the government office they could wield such power and destruction without any cost to themselves.    In this individual instance, they might have stayed anonymous if they hadn’t chosen to expose themselves to gloat.
I have had patients by the dozens brag about their doing this to their enemies. Mostly it’s been women fighting with other women and calling some Child Protection Agency to claim that they were “concerned”  about the ‘child’ of their sworn enemy.  This was indeed nature of the second case  I heard of this week.
A false accusation was made anonymously and this triggered  a public investigation of the husband ,wife, and children with neighbours and teachers being questioned. This occurred after the individual attacked refused to let their neighbour use their garage. The neighbour had drug addiction and increasingly has felt entitled to the property of neighbours. When  neighbours refused to loan tools or allow party cars to park on their lawns,  each one had been ‘punished’ in some such “concerned” way.  The trauma to the victims is not negligible especially as the children’s teachers are questioned and the ‘suggestion’ is always left ‘where there is smoke there is fire’.  Those without character are always happy to attack those with character.
The last one I heard about this week was regarding a dispute between two drivers about ‘territory’.  The aggressor wanted more ‘territory’ and when they were refused, the victim had the experience of having to do an alcohol and drug abuse assessment because of an anonymous call saying ‘I”m concerned."
In all these instances the individuals and families were exonerated and vindicated. The cost however was exorbitant,  the trauma likely long lasting and painful. The experience of  ‘bureurocratic police violence’ initiated by psychopaths and sociopaths destroys the fabric of the social contract.  Individuals need to feel ‘safe’ in society and the very bureaucracies tasked and paid outrageously for this service have become the principle threat to individuals. This corruption is what precedes and permeates failed states the likes of what is now unfolding in South Africa as it did before in Zimbabwe. (aka Rhodesia)  Police states such as the USSR and China thrive on and reward the informer. This “I’m concerned’ is therefore not a laughing matter.  My East European colleague did joke about the  police state he escaped from saying,  ‘we all knew one of us was an informer if two of us were talking and a third joined us.”
Research has repeatedly shown that bureaucratic agencies are utterly incompetent of recognizing psychopaths and sociopaths. Desperately wanting to be seen as ‘good’ and “caring’ , and utterly fearing loss of their protected cushy committee positions, they  err on the side of becoming the agent of social violence in their false belief that they are ‘protecting the community’.
By contrast judges trained to address ‘motive’ and well versed in the manipulative cunning deceits of sociopaths and psychopaths commonly correct the bureaucratic errors of these pseudo judicial agencies that increasingly in such cases are little more than ‘Kangaroo Courts’.  Judicial oversight unfortunately is too costly and the legal system due to the intrinsic high cost serves mostly the governemnt and the wealthy and powerful.
As the country devolves to a third world state it behooves us all to demand that these increasingly corrupted  quasi judicial bureurocratic committees have their inordinate power vastly curtailed.  In addition  individuals who wield such power must  have the training in the psychology and passive and overtly aggressive techniques of the ‘I’m concerned” aggressors. They must be taught what real justices know about the the techniques of the usually charming and seductive sociopaths and psychopaths that routinely abuse others and the community at large.  
A judge knows that the “I’m concerned’ is often the opening gambit of sophisticated assault.  Hitler always said he was ‘concerned’ before he invaded a neighbouring country.