Projection and Projective Identification

Projection is a psychological defence or coping strategy. We all use it to varying degrees. The truly mentally ill use it more often than not.  In the case of projection I attribute my inner world to the external world or interpersonally, you.  In the classic example a paranoid is afraid of nazis so attributes anti semetic intent to everyone.  A woman afraid of rape accuses you of wanting to rape her.  A republican afraid of democrats accuses you of being a democrat when you question his or her authority.  An overly sexualized pervert accuses you of sexually wanting them when you're really not at all interested.
In all these cases there is 'false accusation'.  It's also commonly coupled with a generalization that is made specific.  Philosophically illogically, "all men are rapists, You are a man. Therefore you are a rapist."
As for projective identification, there was a meeting of psychoanalysts once, asked to give a meaning and the multitude of meanings was so diverse that rarely thereafter was the term formally used.  My own take on it was that if you acted afraid of me I might act differently in a way to increase your fear, identifying with the projection.  The idea is that you somehow get caught up in the the stronger projections. This is especially seen in 'folie et dieu'.  In folie a diew, the more insane person convinces the weaker person of their projections and the two live in a shared paranoid reality.  In one home visit I made to the proverbial old ladies with cats, they were eating the cat food with the cat food because human food was poisoned. They were also spying on their neighbours because they were anti semetics, perverts and communists. They'd never met any of their neighbours but the severely disturbed one had intuited this from the way they carried their groceries in and out of the house.  As a result they had to keep their blinds drawn and couldn't go out in the day because the neighbours were spying on them.
Hospitalized together on the psych ward they remained certifiably insane. However once we separated them the lesser disturbed one came to her senses and told the story of the increasing insaniety and her getting caught up in it.  Despite medications the other lady never did return to normal. She remained high suspicious and quick to incorporate some innocent activity you might do into her 'scheme' of things.  She never acknowledged her neighbours were innocent. It's very hard for many people  to admit they were wrong, something ironically is true of both the most ignorant and the most insane.  Admittedly I never did poll the neighbours to see if they were individually anti semetic, perverts or communists.  Perhaps they were all spies and personally out to get this one little old lady whose life without her delusions was rather barren and deeply sad.The other lady returned to normal life in the community and remembered these years much as a bad dream.
Projection is part of the 'group hysteria' that results in places like the Jones town massacres.  On a smaller scale it's seen in petty jealousies, body insecurities, and issues of self esteem.  "They don't like me because I'm not loud like they are," incorporates projection in a particularly twisted and sublte way.
As infants our mothers are part of us and we don't know where we begin and leave off.  Slowly but surely over time we appreciate how we are individual and interconnected.  Drugs cause a break down and regression to infancy with loss of separation of self and others.  Smoking pot or crack one or heroin one can believe all those smoking together are like a 'family' or 'friends' when in fact the group together only has in common the addiction.  As the brain is altered by the substance it is open to all manner of insaniety with projection and projective identification being common.
Patients who have had traumatic pasts often project under stress.  A woman sexually abused as a child might suddenly hit a man on a date claiming he tried to rape her when he was just helping her on with her coat. An ex military man may believe for a second a waiter is the enemy when he comes up behind him and startles him bringing the menu.
When the Nazi wanted to kill Freud and friends helped him escape to England he said, "Maybe the paranoids were right".  It's only paranoia if they aren't out to get you.  The joke also goes, 'what's the opposite of paranoia? Thinking you're following someone."  Projection is part of our mental make up and certainly a significant part of our community and a major part of regressive politics.  It's a useful term and worthwhile to be aware of.  Good friends are often helpful to tell a person when their past is being played out in their present and they're making their future a replay of their past just to prove they were right.  It's been said that the mind is a dangerous place and not somewhere to go alone. Certainly it can be such some nights.

Miscommunication

1) Negativity and fear mongering - people corrall you to tell you their problems or to share how dire the situation in the world, in the weather, in life is.  They 'psych others out'.  They're doom sayers. They're soul suckers. They're a drain.  They 'steal the joy' from life.  There is no balance in their communicaton.  Some one told them they have a 'right' to feel this way and they believe communication is sharing their 'dark' feelings.  It's narcissistic self centred and 'unbalanced'.  In AA where everyone who comes in is missing their best friend, everyone is told that sharing (communication) involves "experience, strength, and hope".  I was shot, I didn't die. I hope I won't be shot again or that I'll learn from this experience.  (Period).  This is useful positive information.  In contrast "i feel bad about being dumped by my partner" 'ad infinitum" is 'nursing sorrow', 'sucking on the tit of despair', living in the past, self pitying, whining and snivelling.  I wear a t shirt sometimes which says "Thou Shalt Not Snivel".
2) Criticalness - anyone says anything and you feel that your job in life is to point out the flaws, to prick the ballon, to shoot down, to say the sky is falling, to rain on their parade.  Generally speaking if I suggest going for a pizza I don't need you to tell me what is wrong with pizza.  Alternatively, if you would like to go for Mexican and know a fine Mexican restaurant it would be helpful if you made that suggestion pointing out the pros and cons and thereby giving us two options to discuss.  Nothing is more painful than being around people who have nothing themselves to contribute but think their destructive criticism is 'contribution'.  They're stuck in the arrogant adolescent phase where a kid knows nothing but think they know everything and act superior and disdainful of everything becasue they're afraid and immature.
3) Self justifying - You use conversation to prove you are right or were right.  This is all about 'winning' and not about communicating.  When something goes wrong I don't need to know why you did the stupid things you did. That's still in the 'problem' . It's much better to get into the 'solution'. Later when something is solved it's possible to have a 'post mortem' and discuss what choices could have been made or how things could have been done better.  This is an agreed on discussion not something that one person repeatedly tries to bring to the fore as a form of "I was right, really" communication
4) Defensiveness - Defensiveness is all about 'avoiding blame' and 'avoiding responsibility'.  It implies the other is accusing when they may just be saying the car tire is flat. Going into 'I wasn't driving' isn't going to get the car tire fixed.  Some people are always 'blame seeking' and 'blaming' but the rest of the world just wants to know 'how the tire got flat', and 'whose going to fix it'., and 'when will the car being drivable again.  In some families who broke something defines who fixes something but the two don't need to be 'linked'. Accepting responsibility for an action or error can quickly move the discussion of 'problem solving' forward into who would best fix the error, the solution.  Obviously if the baby left her grenade in the driveway and it went off when the car drove in, the baby isn't going to be the one to fix the flat tire.  However knowing the baby did it can save concern about whether fixing the tire is the answer to the tire going flat.
5) Making a case - this is where an individual event is 'linked' to a collection of past events in an attempt to make a case against the other person by presenting a litany of evidence to prove you're right and they're wrong with the kind of authority a court room has. I relationships couples do well to stay in the day and not fall into the various traps that go with connecting past events to present, worst of all is 'selective memory' and 'hindsight' .
6) Cross complaining - One person says something they don't like about what another is doing and that person defensively comes back with a complaint about the complainer.  Eg.  Honey I can't hear the tv with you vacuuming.  Response: "How do you think I like it when you answer your cellphone when I'm talking to you.
7) Mind reading - people will insist that they know what you're thinking without you're saying or doing something. Worse they will have pouts or temper tantrums based on their own telepathic insights.  Checking it out is asking a person what they are thinking and respect is accepting that what they say is true for this time.
8) Talking over  - this is where one person speaks 'over' another person in an argument or debate. It's demonstrated daily in the House of Commons in Canada resulting in the need for a referee. Normal conversation can be much like a badminton  match with ideas passed about the table like birdies. When it's feeling like 'murder ball' it's time to slow down the discussion or have it at another time.  Whenever people have said they don't feel like they're being 'heard' I've pulled out a timer to ensure they have 'time' to share. Most often "I don't think I'm being heard' means 'you don't agree with me" in 'pc - bizarro speak' - political correctness is commonly blaming and shaming and criticizing language and verbal bullying wrapped up with a twisted bow.  Alternatively 'are you listening' is an insult and the 'I" statement , "I don't feel you're listening" takes the pressure off the receiving and raises the possibility that I may indeed be deaf.
7).  Selling versus conversing.  Often with couples one person has a 'sale' they want to make. They figure that if they get enough time they can wear their partner down and bring them round to the idea. Like a true salesman they say things like 'I just want an minute of your time", and "no this isn't really about whether I can borrow the car, or have a thousand dollars to go to Vegas or we should have a threesome with your sister'. These kinds of assaults and trojan horses are all nice and seductive but the 'cost' is hidden.  It's not really a conversation because there's really not a desire for the other person to participate but rather what is wanted is capitulation. The one person already has the 'solution' and they'rejust trying to sell you on their 'solution'
8)  Should statements - 'you should" is irritating since I'm a free agent and I don't generally like to be 'told' what to do unless I ask for your opinion or grant you that authority. Remember the 'princess' knows what everyone should do but can't take care of herself.  Sometimes too a person needs to be told ''who made you king and didn't tell me about it."
9) "You make me angry" is a very different statement from "I am angry'.  I am responsible for my emotions. Telling others they are the 'cause' of your own emotions is 'blaming' and can be used for any negative in my life.  However, it gives control to the other person and results in my not having any responsibility for my own 'emotional hygeine' or "anger management".  Emotions can arise in a relationship but a statment likes "I feel angry when you piss in the sink" is alot different from 'You make me angry'.  "What's wrong with pissing in the sink?" can be a far more useful conversation than why you never learned to control your temper tantrums and pouts like the rest of us kids when we were children.
10) Talking about others, gossiping.  Note that there are conversations that are very difficult and they're about you and me. They're the basis of in depth psychotherapy and often are the essence of both pillow talk and all out 'war of the roses' with china breaking and chain saws going through walls.  The whole 'triangle business' of communication is keeping the focus off 'us' and onto 'them' or 'it'.  It's worth while that I'll agree with you people shouldn't fart as a general statement but it will mean war if you tell me I can never fart again.  Similiarly you might think it's silly how long some women spend on their makeup but I'll be in deep doodoo if I say I think you spend too much time on your make up.  The movement from us standing together and talking about something out there (a common enemy, perhaps) to us talking about each other in the same way is prone to blood shed.  Neither kind of discussion is particularly uplifting though it's really too much fun talking about the neighbours to give it up in this life time.
Instead of mis communication, communication is more rewarding and positive, and 'constructive' rather than 'destructive' in most part.
Communication can be many positive things.  Dr. Paul O suggested that we should talk to our partners like a 'wife' or 'husband' or 'partner' but rather like a 'secret lover'.  If your 'tone' of communication was the same as the Biblical Song of Songs most couples would get along far better than when they each sound like Charleton Heston playing Moses or General Patton in WW II.
Listening involves the ability to give back to the person what they actually were saying.  "What I heard you saying," validates another person and ensures that both people are actually on the same page.
"What do you suggest instead?
"What would you like to do?" The difficulty with this generousness is that the other person who is usually sophisticated in this area comes back with 'whatever you want to do' then pouts the whole time they're with you at the dress sale or arms dealer.  If a person abdicates from  choosing then they should be a 'good sport' or vote earlier in the process and accept that their idea of a 'good time' might not be as 'good as they think it is'. Not everyone wants to do stamp collecting on Friday night.
Graciousness and good manners came about as a means to facilitate conversation.  Studying 'diplomats' is always informative.
I've run out of time talking about positive communication so hopefully will find time to address elsewhere. Typically it's easier to point out the 'fault's rather than getting a handle on what makes for  'good conversation' ,  'witty repartee', good communication, clarity, non judgementalness, patience, gentleness and all those other things which we really would do well to list as what we like so that as couples we can both strive for the same goals.

Couples Communication Therapy

Communication theory developed from the ideas of radios. It was recognised that communication break down could occur because of many factors which involved the distortion of a message. To this end the language of radio communication is applied to communication theory.  For example when I speak the message may be misunderstood because what I mean by my use of the language based on my experience personally, family and culturally may be different from what you understand the 'words' or 'body behaviour' to mean.  Further language goes through a filter and then may be interrupted by a variety of environmental factors termed as static. Now we understand static to mean the 'emotional tone' of the discussion as just one factor. When a communication is received it must be processed by the receiver and pass through their 'filter'.
Considering all the factors involved in communication in terms of meaning, language, sending, receiving and distortion it is quite the surprise that anything real is actually transmitted and received. To undertand the limits of communication in general it's just a matter of reading the news and seeing how 'out of context' things are taken and how 'misconstrued' reporting is. This is often the 'facts'. Watching a court trial and listening to the 'spin' put on any information by a defense lawyer or prosecution is also a way to appreciate that couples commonly 'miscommunicate' and must develop ways to clarify communication and resist knee jerk reactions and threats of war based on miscommunication and misundertanding.\
"I" statements are one of the means.
"Toning down" the communication to remove all the 'drama' queen elements to 'clarify' what is being said.
12 step programs to help get at the motive under the communication.
Emotions anonymous is a good place to begin to learn about what I'm saying so I can hear what you are saying.
Sometimes a couples therapist working on communication therapy will simply repeatedly say "what I hear you saying is" in much the way two radio operators will repeat call signs to be sure they're actually talking to each other.
Further it's a product of couple's therapy to look at the 'tone' of communication much as radio operators will describe a transmission as having tonal distortion. The 'tone' of communication is found in the 'how things are said' not 'what is said'.  For instance, I can being showing you the bird, giving you the one finger salute, and saying "I agree with you."  Adolescents are masters of "mixed message' with their "yea, whatever" communications which say they agree but they don't.  So a therapist often helps a couple sort out what their body language is saying compared to the verbal communication. "In congruence' is a term commonly used in communication therapy.  For example "I don't want to have sex" says the woman while dressed in negligee spreading her legs. Or the man says, "I"m not angry" while beating his fist. These are extreme examples but the more subtle variations are readily apparent to trained experienced therapists.  Often communication can be 'grating' or 'insincere' and sometimes the person really means what they say but their 'limp' speach doesn't convey that.  To this end a therapist would ask a person 'how would you like him or her' to communicate this message to you.  Eg.  I'd like him to kiss me when he says he loves me not turn away after he says it.  Many times I've had to tell individuals I 'read' them the way their partner does and suggest that they some how picked up a glych in their communication apparatus or maybe in their 'local' family communication punching meant love , in the greater society, punching doesn't mean love.  Communication theory and therapy is often extremely helpful in cross cultural settings where the body language often doesn't mean the same thing.  So when this is clarified it's understood.
There are many examples of improvements in 'communication' which have come out of the social sciences and political sciences. There are in fact 'war' mongering statemnt and 'sabre rattling' phrases and 'bullying' remarks recognised in diplomatic circles and 'toxic' workplaces.  Much of the aim of civility training is to reduce the likelihood of misunderstanding and initiating conflict.  All of these disciplines have increased the potential for couples to learn better communications. Often if a couple is actually getting along and wants to improve their communication this can be done in a group therapy approach or attending a workshop rather than undergoing the more costly alternative of 1 on 1 therapy.
Virginia Satir's writing is the best place to begin in terms of reading in this field.