Yuma morning

I drove over to the Cactus storage locker and picked up my other bag of clothing.  The Amber bag.  Enjoying the lightness of being. Thinking of hedonism and stoicism.  Liked reading Kirk Prem talk of ‘connection’ with the supreme.  I work and am busy in the chaotic details of individual disease and become anxious myself.  It’s like a little soot on the walls when being a St. Francis channel.  I wonder when I’ll make more time for meditation and exercise. I remember Dad at 90 doing his Air Force exercises. I always remember him frying up eggs for his breakfast that last year in Winnipeg before we went to visit Mom in the hospital.  I like the memory of him growing tomato plants on the balcony in the old folks home.  Sweetest little tomato I ever ate.

 Going to Mexico tomorrow for meds.  I cut my heal slipping on steps and did’t even notice until Madigan kept licking there. I’m so cautious about feet yet there I was and I didn’t get iodine on it for a day.  I have to thank him.  It’s healing. I put more iodine on in but I’d like more fucidin.  I have doxycycline but would like more of that and estrogen.  The mixed path of discovery.  

I’m at home and safe in the conservative world but just like I found a Christian community in recovery I believe there’s a Christian inclusive world. Certainly my church is but it’s my own issues of shame and self doubt.  I would like to be integrated.  I like the south because there’s just less clothing.  I loved living in shorts sailing in the tropics.  I don’t like ‘pants’ . I’m rarely wearing jeans here and mostly in shorts or sweats. I like the short skirts and would have done well in Roman world. I can’t say togas appeal.  I must get to more fashion shows. One of things I most enjoy in galleries and museums is the period fashion.  I love the models on Facebook.  Part of the difficulty with going out is the whole ‘dressing’ thing. I could live in flannel pyjamas and go to the symphony in them.  It’s the stress of getting from place to place.  Like this virtual work reality I’m in with the short sleeved work shirt and shorts. I still change to a t shirt when I go out in the back ‘yard’, a little place behind my camper, where I sit on a chair and Madigan who did this with Laura sits on my lap. He actually sits still. I read and listen to the doves,

I like that this camper has everything almost within reach but very convenient like the sailboat.  I loved those Japanese apartments with everything built into the walls and walls that moved to alter the space,  

I am reducing the extraneous ‘stuff’ here.  I have two brooms and 2 electric heaters. I bought an expresso maker and it sits on the counter.  I miss the microwave. It’s these ‘utlilities’ I used daily that create clutter but I have plates for a dozen and only need enough for two.  I gathered up all the little creams that were taking up space in the limited bathroom, I really need to put barriers in the mirrored cabinet case so I can use that space. Only a little can be used because the rest falls out. A bit of netting perhaps.  I ‘m pleased I put up the hooks for the serving spoons,  I enjoy being here and using it. In the past it was just a base camp for weeks of hunting and weekends of camping so there was no need for efficiency or design.  The spice rack that Kelvin installed is a Godsend. I now just have to sor what spices I actually need and have them out. There’s also a mess in the drawers.  I loved off shore sailing when I had my boat shipshape.  This is getting there.  My home is a mess and I look forward to de cluttering that when I return.

Laura says it’s snowing and everyone has the flu. I’m thankful here for the light. Lovely dawn this morning.  Madigan met a 9 month old poodle named Sasha.  His mom was so pleased that Madigan played with him

Another day of God’s grace. Thank you God for the sun and warmth. Thank you God for this body. Thank you for Family and Friends.  Adell said the second parcel arrived at the po in Napanee. Thank you for Laura. Thank you for Madigan. Thank you for the clinics and work. thank you for technology Thank you for Yuma.  Thank you for the doves.  Thank you for all your blessings.

Logan Lake, at day 2, Sunday

Madigan woke me early with his impatience to start the day.

“The sun’s up,’ he said, in dog Latin.

The estimate of human ancestry is now some 30,000 to 300,000 years.  Civilization began 3 to 5000 years ago.  Genteticists find at least 6 humanoid species. A little hobbit like creature is one of the latest while Neanderthal and Human co existed, our DNA even having Neanderthal DNA incorporated in it, presumably from inter species breeding. Anthropologist continue to push the time table back with carbon testing and increasing finds from burial digs and such.  Dog was man’s first domesticated companion.

Until a hundred years ago, two at most, light has been expensive, carrying wood for fires, candles, lanterns.  Hydro electric power and relatively cheap light is a post industrial age phenomena,  No surprise it’s healthy to get up early with the sun and go to bed early with the dark.

I’m on holiday.  I’d like to sleep in.  I have a thought that to get up means to shave and dress with more care than I might otherwise.  A part of me wants to blend in, to regress, to homengenize, to be normal.  I have long hair and painted nails.  I don’t think like the television sports addict who drinks beer, has some office job like a lawyer with a suburban house wife who twerks and sells real estate or beauty products.  I’ve worn red dresses to church to compete with the bishops and commo hunting skirts to buy rifles at the gun store. For decades I’ve been different.  In the last years my hair has grown longer .  I’ve coloured it to remove the grey.  I’ve talked about my fears and vulnerability, to being raped, bullied, taken hostage and survived a myriad of life changing events.  I’ve not been discrete.  I’d not be called a ‘closet queen’ though neither am I fully ‘out’.  To say I’m GAY no longer means one is exclusive to men.  The rainbow community is inclusive.  The conventional ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ community identifies as heterosexual despite so many who simply don’t pretzel into that category so easily today.  

I only packed au femme wear for this trip. I might have a pair of shorts and t shirts but otherwise its sun dresses, panties and bras.  I’ve several bikini and one pieces.  My desire to cross dress increases with the anxiety I feel in my work.  I’ve gone on holidays to Europe, the US, and many times camping with a suitcase of women’s clothing and as the anxiety abates I’ve less need to have the social camouflage.  I saw a psychiatrist about my cross dressing and gender dysphoria.  

“It’s not traditional transsexualism. You’ve been extremely happy and accomplished as a man but this seems to be dissociative to some extent and also to address some aspects of your PTSD.”  

I was exorcised and countless people have prayed over me. I’ve attended 12 step programs and prayer meetings and had years of therapy in which this has been the topic at times. My wives and girlfriends have all known and at times we’ve tried strap ons and role play.  It’s not a secret among friends and intimates.  It’s come and gone too.  I’ve been with so many women for decades and only a very few men, only a couple I knew as friends and only one I knew sexually a few times.   I love the sensuality of satin and silk.  I’ve been celibate,  strictly celibate for years at a time doing monastic training of east and west.  

But recently I’ve wondered about stoicism.  Religions have a dualism of spirituality and materialism.  I’ve found myself weighing in with the creationists who embrace this Garden of Creation and look at life without the obvious selective biases.  In the religions women are gluttons but good and men drink and are bad.  Spiritual pride is everywhere along with avarice but envy is deeply frowned on.  Watching the rise of Marxist aetheism as a death war cult has affected my trust in those around me.  I often feel like I’m living in the 30’s with the rise of Naziism and Communism and now radical Islam.  All the while I’ve done my time, served my community and country, worked in the areas of greatest need at greatest risk and want to relax only to fear this government and the unethical corruptness that dominates the criminality of once trustworthy institutions and courts,  

As a man I provided and protected to the utmost, serving. Perhaps if I’d had children, those little police people, society controls I’d have been more normal. I’d have had the joy of family and the answer to denial of death. I’d live on through my children rather than seeing myself as a one off of creation.  The fact remains I’m alone, born alone and dying alone and old. I’ve begun to consider bucket lists and death differently from the immortality of youth.  

Woken this morning by the dog, I carried on using the bathrooom, shaving and brushing my teeth, applying red lipstick, dressing in the cutest little blue striped sun dress I bought recently in Arizona.  I get a lot of pleasure buying women’s clothing and take little joy in the ‘au drab’ world of men’s clothing. Suits are just variations on the British military jacket of Victorian days. They are meant for heavy lifting and work. Women’s clothes by contrast are if anything designed for play and sensuality.  

My little dog was so very happy that we were out before 6 am.  We walked almost into town.  It was a bit nippy, sweater weather but I could manage walking. The cool breeze lifted my sun dress and caressed my legs. I’d probably be as happy as a nudist. I loved sailing in the tropics often naked or only wearing khaki shorts, or a sarong, clothing optional, the barest covering at most for modesty but never as a reflection of gender.  When I sailed with women they wore only bathing suit bottoms if that and I loved to see breasts bare in the sea air.  I loved the Minoan culture and fashion when I studied the classics.  I sometimes think of getting breast implants as an act of narcissism, to be able to look at myself since women are either witholding the earthy beauty of the goddess or attaching it to the dark sexuality of Marxist feminism.  

Life is a dichotomy of eat or be eaten.  Survival of the fittest is the law of the jungle while cooperation is the law of civilization.  

I walked the dog which made him happy,. He had a poop and peed everywhere.  On my return a man was out fishing.  He had a long white beard.  Another old man waved as I walked by.  I waved back.  In the camper I made coffee which tasted great. I’ve written.  I’ll wait till it warms up to go for a swim in my black two piece. Yesterday I wore the black one piece being conservative. I have a blue and white polka dot bottom with red bikini top feeling that would be over the top here.  Even unconventional I try to be conventional .  I am wearing Teva sandals.  The little guy has gone back to bed for another morning nap.  I could too, It seems early for breakfast.  I think I’ll change to a skirt or shorts and t shirt. I really like this sun dress and don’t want to get it dirty. I never know how anyone can wear white I’ve already dripped food on one blouse.  If we all went topless it would be no bother to wipe that up, Now I have laundry.  

Thank you Jesus for this day, for all your blessings.  

Since Covid   

May

May is the month of sunshine and warmth.  April showers are past.  I want to go camping. I think Sun Dresses.  Seeing them even wearing them. Most I  enjoy the young bouncing and flouncing. The winter clothing challenges the aging body.  I’m longing for the lightness of being. My spirit is gay and my ideas range to all manner of activities. I dream activity. But I wake and my body aches. Not so much as to limit the age appropriate things.  But there is no way I’m going to wear a sun dress or twerk.  Im not going to climb a mountain today. I’m not going to be a soldier either.  I’m divided into lover and fighter and fear the fighter is gone.  There’s still some energy left for lover. I divide these into gender as well.  I look back on a life of fighting for good against evil.  Saving and protecting women and children.

I could be bear hunting but why. I once wanted to shoot big game and eat wild meat. I’ve done my share. Now I think I need to eat more fish and vegetable.  That’s aging.  

I’m thinking of trading in my big electroglide Harley for a Street Bob. The latter is lighter and has more versatility. I bought the big bike to drive to Sturges. I did that 5000 km roundabout trip and loved it. I did some more long distance camping trips and loved it. I have a vespa and I like that. It’s simply functional and  gets me where I’m going.  I’ve a truck and camper.  Even though I think I’d like a truck without the long box , the truck and camper are better camping than the motorcycle and pup tent. Older I like comfort and even  luxury.  

I’ve always been with beautiful women who liked bubble baths lotions, and scents.  They’ve spent hours each day give or take pampering. My psychoanalytic instructor called that  preening female masturbation.  Self love. A world of wankers.  I was always au hombre functional mode. I don’t even relax for long on a beach. If I’m not deep in meditation or reading I’m caring for someone. Not so much anymore. My marriage was drone bee and queen.  Always I sexually served the mostly passive judgmental complaining orgasmic woman. I was the classic top.  I wanted her to be pleased. I wanted to please her. I wanted her not to be angry or moody or depressed. I’d lived so long in the world of attitudes and passive aggression and manipulations and rolled eyes. .  I just did whatever to get the knives out of my heart. When she was sated sexually she could go back to sleep and I could get back to the garage. I loved the garage as much as I was criticized by her for spending my time there. I loved making things. I loved later writing.  So I bought her things and threw money at her and tried to keep her happy because she was always unhappy like their mothers, always critical of me. Their mothers were the same.  Now I think it’s identification with the agressor.

I’d rather go to the nail salon that hike about the woods with a rifle looking to kill a bear. I killed bear . I ate bear. I really enjoyed climbing mountains and hauling game back to the truck.  Now I’m happy to sit in the hot tub. I love jacuzzis.  I love healing hot springs.  At some level I’ve nothing to prove. I’m good with God. God is good all of the time. Now I say I work to give my dog a good life.

I’m thinking of trading my heavy sniper 300 winmag rifle and long distance  in. I gave away my American RugerMini 11 because Testicless Trudeau outlawed that rifle but allowed the Canadian and Israeli semi autos. I miss the rifle and load. I liked target practicing and shooting rabbits with that rifle. I don’t plan to shoot game long range any more. I’ve no need of a rifle that shoots 800 yards. I’d be exhausted walking to the kill, let alone getting it back to the truck. I’ve my deer rifle. It’s shot 90 % of my big game and will do. I like the 300 win mag as back up but a 223 as back up will do.  The irony is the American rifle Testicless Trudeau outlawed took 223.  The other rifles all take NATO 5.56 load which is not really for hunting but Testicless Trudeau doesn’t outlaw those rifle. It’s just money.  I don’t really need to do that. I can target practice with a 22.   But that’s where my mind goes on default, the resentment and how to get a lighter rifle I might use more than the back up.  I also considered an over under 306 or 3030 and 20 gauge. I’m always looking for the one stop shopping, the bird and deer gun the city and country bike,etc.

I think about a lighter smaller RV. I think about a lighter smaller Boat. My mind is on minimalization and lightening up. I took things to the storage locker where I see I could easily downsize but I don’t want to be indoors going through a locker. I did that a couple of years ago and went from two lockers to one. Most of the locker is office related and seasonal clothing and such.  I miss Mexico where I had shorts and a sarong and t shirts and only spear fished. I loved spear fishing though worried about sharks. I should fish more. ‘I’Ve been saying that for the last three or four years having bought several little inflatable fishing boats over the years with the idea of trolling in mind.  I loved ocean fishing but lack thepatience for floating about on a lake or even casting now.

I like partridge hunting with the 20 gauge riding about on the Honda ATV.

I actually liked ocean fishing because I could travel from island to island at 3 knots trolling and catch salmon and ling cod while going from anchorage to anchorage. I loved the autopilot , drinking coffee, tanning, sightseeing  and reading while I was travelling and fishing. I’d like to drag a line behind the motorcycle or car and catch something equivalent , maybe rabbits and have food when I stopped.

I imagine the western days with riding horses and shooting a deer from the saddle with the 30:30 rifle and then roasting steak by the campfire. Today I’d rather be served steak in a fine restaurant. 

I missed church.  I walked the dog and put on sweats to go outside. Dressing is a challenge. When I got back home I dropped the sweats and got comfortable in underwear and tshirt.  Boyshorts the girls call them. Stanfields is what guys call them.  I wouldn’t walk outside in underwear but if there was a delivery I wouldn’t necessarily pull on the sweats. Mostly I would but I haven’t cared to get the pizza in underwear.  Mom always wanted us to have clean underwear.  That’s why I liked Mexico. The sailing shorts and t shirt or sarong an t. Shorts or sarong  covered every occasion, being on the boat, dock, beach or even dining out at night. I never had to worry about covering my ass but rather I had to remember the tshirt and sandals because of the no shirt no shoes no service beach establishment signs.  No signs for no bottoms.

I was raised on stoicism.  I’m now more epicurean. I did a few intermittent years of hedonism, after a couple of divorces , descending into weekends of partying but mostly I still climbed hills, did kayaking and lots of time alone with the dog and a tent and a rifle or fishing rod.  I worked with people all week and weekends I liked to get away and admittedly I liked female company so I skied and danced and did all those things that led to a wonderful night in bed . Sex was great. Mostly  I liked one person.I had had a best friend.  Dog and girl.  

I don’t have any desire for winter. I don’t like going out . I don’t want to encounter crisis and danger. Even yesterday I almost caused an accident letting my mind wander on a motorcycle.  If I’m not concentrating I’m dead.  I liked Covid.  Delivery and pick up food. I got into a habit of staying home.  Dressing the way I liked. Casual. Working on the computer, meeting neighbours causally.  Retirement age and the world around it is like high school summer breaks.  There’s not a sense of upward mobility or competition. Most are trying to get by with what they are.

I never thought I’d live long enough to retire.  I did all the dangerous assignments.  I lived a full life.

I’m okay now.  If I had a garage I’d be building again.  I might have to get back into more little projects. Or take another course. I have books to complete but procrastinate. I could go swimming.  I think I’ll make another coffee and lie down and read.

Thank you God for this all, the mundane, rather effete, no work Sunday. A day of rest.  It is that. Last night watching tv and eating pizza.  I expect I’ll have an inspiration again. Theses doldrums pass.  I would be glad for sun and I could lie outside and read. It’s still sort of drizzly.  

Meanwhile Elon Musk Bought Twitter.  Russia wars with Ukraine making billions for arms dealers and innovation. Nothing like coming up with better ways to kill each other gets the creative juices going.  More erotic romance novels are being sold The pressure on men is seen in the viagra sales.  I had a yoghurt and Cliff protein bar for breakfast.  An identity change would give new purpose. I’m coasting now.  Covid took the wind out of the sales.  Meaning and purpose need to be explored.

 Yes to know God, to love God and love my neighbour as myself.  It’s okay. I’m doing okay.  Travel and writing is fun.  I’m looking forward to that.  Swimming in a lake is fun. I haven’t got down to the beach in years and might consider that.  I have lots to explore locally. Even dog parks.  My puppy likes riding on the back of motorcycle and motorscooters.  

Time to read. 

Chickendinner last week

  

He got his vaccination and tick and flea meds yesterday