Yuma, Monday Morning

I am up.  Meditation is good.  I’m making coffee now.  The pain is still present. I’ve done my exercises. I’m already looking forward to return.  Just to get over the risky passage through the mountains.  The scare on the way down.  Going back I may have less concern taking the more coastal route. At home I’ll be able leave Madigan in the home and get treatment , whatever that may be.  I’m afraid to go to a chiropracter fearing that something could make it worse and I’d not be able to drive the long distance. However, even if I went for a massage, I dearly love, leaving Madigan in the hotel is verboten.  

Thank you Jesus for St. Paul’s Episcopal Church.  Thank you for Yuma and Aldorone.  Thank you for pharmacists and coffee shops. Thank you for tourist gift markets.  Thank you for the sunshine, pool and hot tub. Thank you for iPhone, Thank you for iPads.

 It’s a wonder that I’ve been able to work and maintain in come and provide care here. Thank you that I’ve missed the worst for November northern weather.

Thank you that I am able to continue my feminization experiment. 

The issues of my transsexualism are as follows

1. A weariness with the left wing liberal and communist attack on old white men.  I have experience such abuse of false allegations and government corruption.

2. I have been raped and abused as a student and faulted for being a whistleblower.  The evil victimizers have punished me relentlessly.  I struggle with understanding if this is ‘blame the victim’ or just ‘self pity’.

3. Is this sex and love addiction.  I really need to go and sort this out.

4.  It’s not aging gracefully.

5.  It’s a desire for a new identity where I can show more self love and less sacrifice. 

6. It’s a Klinger like response to war and government

7.  It’s an unwillingness to be a celibate monk yet.  I may transition only to be an old nun.

8. It’s a broadening of experience and understanding.  

9.  It’s learning with a relatively safe adventure without the costs of boats and expedition.  

10.  It’s ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’

11 It’ss imatation is the sincerest form of flattery

12.  It‘s MR Dress up. I always liked clothing and fashion and as a male enjoyed suits and sports jackets and sweater, especially young when I felt I looked good enough as a dancer and actor. But with marriage and relationships with women I was belittled and competed with and laughed at.  It’s been years since I enjoyed male clothing and dress. The exception was my Harris Tweed Jacket I bought in Edinburgh.  Maybe if I tried to find men’s clothing that felt as comfortable and fashionable as the au femme wardrobe.  My male clothing is old and warn.  I felt good dressed au femme elegant attending church.  I sensed that women appreciated the tastefulness of fine wear.  Men seem not to notice old men’s wear and assume the wife dresses them.  I did see several men who looked well dressed in shirts and slacks and some with attractive jackets. Maybe if I was as careful and Karen au drab as Au femme I’d be happier au drab.  I really must purge my wardrobe both au femme and au drab especially au drab. I have so much clothing going back decades all around the jeans and sport jacket theme.  I liked the new paisley shirt I bought on commercial .  

13.  I don’t feel sexually masculine now that my back has continuously hurt for a year and I imagine au femme I could be on my back and serve a purpose whereas au drab sex is just painful on top and women reject men who can’t perform.  I have spent a life of pleasuring women and feeling a man ‘s roll is to give her orgasms and so many demand that and don’t share that sense of duty.   Increasingly older women want to eat get fat, be pleasured and cared for and admittedly I have resentments that I’m not letting go .  The back pain is a central metaphor of my relationships.  Anger turned in ward.  Bullying.  But it’s my side of the street that’s dirty.  I have to clean my side of the street.  Mayb  it ‘s marijuana being cunnning, baffling and powerful.,,..I call to be blatto….a desire to escape pain.  My god why hast though forsaken me.  The chronic low grease reminder of 3/10 spiking to 7 and 8 our to 10 with an uneven step.  The pain is worst after standing after sitting. I fear returning because coming here I was in utter pain and limping after an hour drive at the rest stops.  I pray it’s easier returning.  The back pain is less with walking but the next day it’s worse.  I’ve increased my tolerance though.

14.  God please.  

Thank you God that I’ve been able to work and sitting in this chair is not so bad.  

Yuma, Best Western Mall. Hotel,Sunday

I am thankful today.  I slept from 10  pm to  1 am.I woke with pain, got up peed, took a second ketorolac and flerxeril applying Voltaren to my left hip and thigh.  The voltarren has recently helped me get back to sleep. Now I’ve woken at 8 am, a littlee groggy but better. 

I am so thankful drove to Algodones and parked on the American side walking over with Madagon.

I wrote in Pages about my most enjoyable day, getting more of the feminization hormone, more ketoralac and even some cialis. It only cost a hundred dollars and I’d expected more like $500. Then I had my eyes tested at the SOL optical.  

I had to wait. 2 hours so shopped along the sidewalk market for gifts. I was thinking of Laura most. I eventually spent a few hundred dollars more in a bit of a shopping splurge.  I love the purses and turquoise stone bracelet, necklace and earrings. I had one set for me and one for her. I also bought these adorable Mother Mary painted painted leather purses .I also bought 2 woven blankets with pink coloring. I decided to keep the lesser one because Madigan might chew the nicer one and it would be horrible. I told Laura she lucked until for that reason.

I loved stttingg in the Mediplaz have ann American cofffee listens to the sound track play ‘these eyes’by tthe Guess who with fond memories of Winnipeg and concerts. 

I literally had spent my last American and Mexican money when I walked to the border crossing.  I told customs I’d bought feminizing hormone and wanting me to show her

Ëstrogen”I said

What’s that she said,

I showed her the package and she suddenly registered what I was saying. She passed me through then

I bought Wendy’s burgher s for us an d a terricc chicken with salad I ate later watching Journey movie with the giant bumble bees for flying horses with birds chasing them.I actually spent a little time in the warm hot tub in my ruffled peach bikini with black botttoms.  A cute couple in their twenties joined me. She was so beautiful and he was so bright but it was clear that her lovely simple blank bikini was chosen partly because it revealed her cleavage. She definitely wanted his attention and by the sounds of their quiet conversation would have it.  

Feeling like an ancient grandmother I left and did thee plunge into the freezing cold water.

It really was a wonderful day with quite the wind blowing sand . I was able to get some more money at Wellsfargo with my Visa. 

Now if I shower and get ready in time I can get to the St. Paul’s cathedral service

 

Yuma, Day 11

I’m sitting at the computer having called by cellular and also waiting on Doxy virtual.  Im on a workcation.  I just had the Best Western breakfast sharing bacon with Madigan while I enjoyed the pancakes,  When we came back to the room he began humping his bed,  This is the second doggie bed I’ve bought him and he never sleeps in them but rather uses them to hump.

It’s chilly today. When its windy here it’s cooler that way.  When there’s no wind it’s really hot. I’m getting a tan, soaking up the rays, for returning north.  Another winter of ‘nocebo’ re Covid and Omnicron. I don’t want to succumb and lose faith. My sciatica persists an chronic pain wears me down. I grasp hold of any improvement.  It feels better today but then I’m not walking. Walking is painful and tiring.  But not always.  Starting there’s sharp pain but then when I’ve walked some it’s a dull steady ache,  It went from bavk to hip and ankle but now from hip to shin. 

It just occurred to me again that I’m an hour later than home. Some morning time to lie and read.  I did exercises and meditation.  

Church lady and bikini girl in same day.

I’m enjoying clothing as clothing and not ashamed of my clothing choice or presentation. I feel lighter and more free. I have more options and am old enough that no one cares. I’m welcome as age is the criteria. I present respectfully. 

Yuma, Sunday, Day 10

I had my first night of sleeping through without the pain waking me.  I ve done meditation and back exercises, very similar to old yoga moves.  These pain is teaching me that prevention is better than injury.  I even have hope the sciatica will eventually release me. I’ve worried though about the drive back because sitting seems to make it worse. I have3 difficulty getting out of the car and standing up.  I’m not bothered by sitting at the desk as much. More breaks and stretches. 

I enjoyed swimming in the outdoor pool in my black and white bikini.  I enjoyed lying on the deck lounger reading . I’ve a new historical fiction of China in th 1850’s.  I enjoyed going to the market in the morning and buying local earrings.  

I drove out to Mexico but it was so busy on Saturday I didn’t find parking I was comfortable with. I’d hoped to sit in an outdoor cafe and write. I also wanted huevros rancheros.  Maybe next weekend.  I had a bit of a line up to leave.  My plan next week is to park my car and walk across the border.  A lot do that.  

Today I’m going to the United Methodist Church.  I found it searching ‘dog friendly church’.  I’d also ad driven by it so figured I’d be able to find it.  There’s a St. Paul’s Episcopalian I may visit next Sunday.  John Wesley thought to reform the Anglican Church in th mid 1800’s not create a separate Protestant Chruch.  I enjoyed attending the Methodist church in Saipan Northern Mariana Islands.  It was an older congregation, some children so those younger than me but i thought most were senior. Very welcoming. Uplifting. I felt welcome with a dog and wearing a polka dot dress and black jacket. Madigan, black and white,, and I certainly matched. 

Now I’m at The Press Cafe and Bistro siting outside on their patio. I’d tried the Garden Cafe but though out door and Madigan was wearing his ‘Therapy Dog vest.  She turned us a way and said she’d had such trouble with dogs before.  I diddn’t like that of course as clearly the dogs and owners who caused the problem should have paid rather than have ne be penalized ,

I did get a Yuma mug for my room. I’d been reusing paper cups making coffee in the microwave and today the cup was leaking .I like coffee and now have a souvenir and something useful while I’m here

I am now at the Press Cafe and Bistro.  Their Cafe Late is excellent, We’re siting on the outdoor deck in the sun.  A local lady said she thought it was cold and she’d hadn’t warmed up all wee. I thought about the food in Vancouver. I’m planning on having a swim this afternoon and lying by the pool side. That will be after the ‘rodeo’ breakfast.   

I like the lightness and freedom of wear. I don’t think of myself as different. It’s just normal and no one seems at odds with this. I’m well dressed. Stylish. Conservative. I no long think of my clothing or appearance as such. It just is and I

Yuma, Day 8

It was a wholly productive day of completion of things I wanted to do.  I actually made it to Mexico.  It’s hardly an hour from here. Crossing the border was a non issue.  I was just waved through. Once across the border I was immediately waved into a parking spot by an English speaking man I thought was customs.

‘ What are you here for? ». 

« I want to find a pharmacy for female hormones . »

‘ This is one here, » he replied pointing to essentially the first store across the border ».

He helped me park by holding up traffic while I parked. I had realized by then that he worked for the pharmacy.  

‘What do you want? ». 

« Estrace.  Estradiol, » 

« Yes we have that. »

So just like that I had feminizing hormone pills and more voltairien emolgel cream for my back pain.  

I had left Yuma at 3:30 pm only expecting to look about and here I’d achieved a major goal. I drove about the town.  So many dentists.  A ‘medical tourism’ bus drove by full of old people., I saw so many health care places, cosmetic surgery, Botox, laboratories, laser treatment, physician offices, pain specialists.  By and far the dentists were most represented.  I had not wanted to be in Mexico after dark which begins around 5 pm.  I’d driven about for a half hour seeing that the paved roads were only main thoroughfares and all the others were unpaved sand and gravel. There were no lights so intersections were a bit of a challenge. I think everyone else was wise to the alternating traffic but I had difficulty knowing when I should go and fearful of hitting another car.  However I’m anxious and tend to catastrophize . It all went well but I didn’t want to be doing it in the dark. The trouble was when I went to the border there was a 10 block line up. I don’t know why so many people go to the US at the end of the day but they do. The line moved along just fine, only a half hour, with people walking along trying to sell stuffed toys, toy guns with coat hangers attached, clothing, hats, belts and hot food.  I said no gracias to all.  Madigan stopped barking when they approached the car after the first one.  

At the border I was only asked what I had been doing in Mexico.

‘Buying medication. »

What type?

« Feminizing hormones. » 

« Okay »

I was back in America.  Beside the entrance was a large parking lot where RV’s were. I speculated that people stayed there so they could walk across he border for various treatment like implants which would take days.  There was an opitician offering same day service for making progressive lens at $99 US.  I’d paired several hundred for my last pair so thought about getting another pair of glasses next visit.  

It was night as I returned the short distance to Yuma. The sky was pink with the radiant dessert sunset.  

I stopped at a drive through fast food place, This was a really good soup and sandwich place. I’ve been having burgers and fries since arriving, a couple of meals, and deep fried chicken fingers. No wonder there is an epidemic of obesity in America. I did get some food at Target so have had morning breakfast of sausage and eggs with Best Western , peanut butter sandwiches at noon and a microwave meal or two that was probably healthier. There’s nothing like take out Macdonalds’ for coming hone to watching movies,

Last night it was the Godfather 1 and .2.  The channel changer doesn’t change channels but is stuck on the movie channel and so far I’ve enjoyed the reruns.

My back is slowly improving but I still get excruciated bolts of pain walking. I’m still unsteady on my feet.  I just feel it’s better, steady low grade dull wearying ache and the severest pain with walking especially on uneven ground,  I’ve been doing the back exercises in the « The Essential Lower Back Pain Exercise Guide, by Morgan Sutherland LMT. 

So many of my patients suffer chronic pain and I can appreciate how debilitating it is and how it cause depression.  I was bed ridden the second time my back was injured in a car crash. I still pray for the fellow speeding and being such an irresponsible driver.  I did a 180 pitch pole then a roll another 360 landing the Toyota Corolla upright.  I didn’t believe I could live through a pitch pole and still remember that belief I would die.  I then was shocked to be alive and checked the other  car driver and passenger were fine as they’d gone off the road behind and beside me without rolling or pitch poling, an old boat of a Buick.  

I feel all pain is psychosomatic,  Now I feel I’ve been carrying the world on my shoulder and known so many betrayals mostly by the women in my life but others too. I feel that now I’m being stabbed in the back by government. I’ve been so utterly and deeply disappointed by the Trudeau crime family and their allegiance to Communist China. It’s been overwhelmingly demoralizing.  I’ve listened to countless complaints about the lockdowns and inflation and mostly they are good people. Mostly social work problems and political problems.  Meanwhile I’ve been working from home and while I was walking the dog an going swimming regularly I wasn’t doing enough yoga and tai chi which I’ve done for many years and it’s prevented what I’m feeling now.  My sedentary life style not going out doing less rather than more, coasting, surviving has contributed so much to the present pain. I’ve been in pain for over a year now,  I was eating ibuprofen daily when I took Laura to Europe.  I was uplifted in mood by seeing the highlands and the museums and art galleries of Edinburg, Oxford, London and Paris,  

I’m getting old and feel the aches and pains are increasing and this has been a serious wake up call to my growing limitation, I have a worsening tremor in my right arm add to the back pain.  I’ve hearing aids and glasses with worsenign sight and hearing, I lost a lot of my sense of smell and some of my sense of taste.  I don’t have the enthusiasm or enjoyment or even joie de vivre I once had, On the other hand I’m grateful for a full life though I feel the lack of children and grandchildren,

I realize the church is for family and I’m not willing to be a monk yet. I may any day take that route but I’m entertained by the transgender experience.  I don’t feel safe or valued much as a man.  Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.  I ve been hurt often having sex on top and yet women collectively, older ones especially, seen to not like being on top.  Blow jobs are fine and life is okay but I’m faced with a week of back pain after sex and cialis or viagra leaves me with gastritis and stomach pains and IBS.  Getting old is not for the young. Ive seen a few doctors and they’ve reassured me that it’s not anything worse and encouraged me to keep moving.   

I don’t think it gets better but thankfully it doesn’’t get worse for a while.  I worry about my mood and am pleased that I can lessen the drive to provide and protect. Theoretically I should have sough to have children to give me life and purpose , some younger woman who isn’t filled with Trudeau hatred of family.  Yet I’d tried and enjoy most my older friend. I am one of those single people who identify with the single celibate transgender and older gay folk who being single and celibate aren’t ready to be no sexual and aren’t offended by sexuality and seem to be accepting. I laugh because au femme I’m accepted or avoided whereas au drab I’m routinely hit on or faced with men especially institutional losers bullying,  I am so weary of the bullying I’ve experienced especially wh the the authorities back outright lying psychopaths against me and my idea that I’ve been good serving member of society contributing and not falsely accusing others or bullying. I’m too old to fight and am thankful for ODAAT. I surrender.  I would self castrate like Origen .  My uncastrated dogs aren’t a threat to other dogs in day care but rather the castrated dogs attack him.  The envy is even at the dog level.  I was manly and now the weak men like Justin Trudeau are a scourge on men who are unanimously called ‘radical right wing’ and for me estrogen seems a solution.  Any day now I’ll naturally stop testosterone production and slip into oblivion,  These are stop gap measures,

I thought it funny that I started estrogen on Remembrance Day.  Lest we forget.   Im Klinger,

I loved hearing Elon Musk, when asked what is the greatest risk he sees , and he answered ‘population collapse’.  The whole overpopulation lie was debunked.  I’ve held that position for decades pointing out the catastrophising of the media and government and the constant theft and lies.  Oh well. I sailed and was silent for so much of my life, in the wilderness.  Fool on the hill or monk.  

It’s been a good life and new chapter is beginning for now. I don’t know. Today I do the next right thing and what feels right.  I’m believing I’m continuing to contributing. I’m still being of service.  There is overt scarcity but mostly because of Marxist mismanagement rather than the actual case. It’s has long been apparent that we have a ‘peace time army’ of expanding management layers and layers of incompetence with the front line workers like myself overburdened, understaffed and blamed.  

I tend to self pity.  I tend to catastrophisme. I know so many who are partying because they are rewarded beyond their competence while we who know are expected to be perfect lead by leaders who don’t lead but rather order and stand at the back shooting any who slacken .  

I have a resentment to authority.  Governnent killed Jesus.  

All is God.

I ask for God’s will, I’ve meditated today and prayed.  I am now going to shower and dress.  Poor madigan hasn’t been out for a walk. I may have to get some sweats or shorts for that task. I only brought summer dresses and have to shower before I take him out. A hoodie might allow me to do that task before showing,  Today I even had a coffee after shaving and doing exercise on my Matt. I had to take ibuprofen to stand in the shower.  Standing has been painful, Thankfully sitting isn’t painful and I’ve been able to do virtual work. There’s some pain after sitting too long, Getting out of the car is difficult.  But now I’ve had a coffee and three ibuprofen I’m ready to shower. I might even be able to get breakfast. It’s Saturday so I’ve broken from the routine i have during the workdays.  

He’s so excited when I put on his leash and he loves to go out with me,

Shower then dress and dog walk if the pain isn’t too bad

Yuma, Best Wester, Friday afternoon

Finally, I’m lying by the hotel pool. It’s been a whirlwind getting here. 4 days driving then waiting for my reservation, getting tech working, frustrations then 2 days working. The Telus roaming skipped to T mobile rather than Verizon. so using the hotel phone to call Telus support, the problem was solved. . Not before several patients who didn’t have computer virtual connection capacity had their appointments cancel. I’ll call them. All very stressful. 

Today I found Hearing aid batteries at Walgreens. I haven’t been able to get a pet sitter. I’d hoped to cross the border to Mexico. I may have to take him though am still waiting on call backs 

I have severe sciatica so haven’t been able to walk more than a block and some night the pain limits my sleep to 3 hours. I’m taking probiotic and yogurt and my stomach has survives all the ibuprofen and ketorolac I’ve needed to survive.. The chronic pain is depressing.. I’m looking forward to using the pool and hot tub in a few minutes.

God is good all of the time.

After Walgreens I stopped in Old Downtown Capecjita. This is an elegant outdoor cafe with a yard of tables separated by old foliage.There is a stage so the area can be used for concerts or dances. A truly lovely space. Madigan was excited as othe dogs were there with their owners. I love this sort of space. The mocha and toast with cheese and tiny tomatoes was delicious. 

I’ve been au femme since leaving home. The difficulty walking at rest stops was excruciating but Madigan needed the break. Driving with heated seats was okay. Not one cared about my dress. The nondescript of senior ship. Here occasional women smile fondly. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.. this is a challenge, being poolside in a bathing suit but there Is no one around.

Pets aren’t allowed poolside so poor Madigan remains in the room. 

Thank you God.

Yuma, Best Western,, Friday

I’ve arrived and worked a couple of day even resolving th phone not working data roaming switched to the wrong carrier. I’ve been in a bit of survival mode getting here  and getting set up.

My sciatica is at times better but it’s been difficult with sleep , pain walking me every few hours despite flexeril and ketorolac,  It’s helped me survive.

Today is the first ‘day off’ and I’m alr3eady enjoying the morning sun. I took Madigan down to the cafe and we sat out doors.  He scrounged a bit of sausage, Yesterday I took bacon back to the room. I feel guilty I’m not walking long distances with him but I barely make a block.  He’s great company.  Enthusiastic and comforting.

we’ve due to get some hearing aid batteries.  

Theree’s an airbase nearbuy. I hear the war planes go over.  

Today I’m getting hearing aid batt3ries , a yoga mat and must find a dog sitter so i can cross the border and check out the neighbouring Mexican town.  

I drove by the prison but dogs aren’t welcome so will have to take that in when I have Madigan with a dog sitter. The museum would be interesting too.  

I love the sun and am grateful to be here especially as it’s snowing and raining back home.  `