Journal - early morning wakening

These are glory days.  Sunny warm.  I’ve so enjoyed walking Madigan at noon.  It’s been so hot in the 70’s yesterday and 71 today.  My motorhome air condition gets overwhelmed.  The sun comes through the windows and heats the place up.  I have vents and fans in the roof and can keep the door open so it’s not stupefying. Yet the air conditioning unit has difficulty keeping up The awnings help to keep the sun from heating the vehicle up but the big window at the front is a heat magnet but I work there and like the view. 

It’s a first world problem.

My mind has been troubled recently.

I am feminizing so that may contribute to my emotional lability.  Unlike my Spock persona , the professional old guy, I am let out the younger feminine self and experience more emotional .I’d rather it be joy and dance but its tends to resentment and self pity

.I wrestle with God pushing the limits and resisting living in fear and safety.  I don’t want to grow old slowly dying daily but would rather rage against the night. The trouble is the writer of that poem, Thomas was a drunk.

I’m coming up 29 years sober and think there is either and element of anniversary reaction or simply that spring with it’s changes is an unsettling time for me.

I woke at 5 am. 

I have meditated in a distracted way, and done exercises, mostly stretching. I’ll walk the dog

Thank you God for this day. Thank you God for the air and gravity. Thanky you Godd for Madigan. Thank you god for Colour. Thank you God for feeling. Please heal my back and removed the pain and increase the movement and capability.  Thank you for sexuality and sensuality, Thank you for genders. Thank you for purpose.

Ive been considering how life is simple in a transactional analysis way.  There seems few plots and the institutions support these plots.  There’s not so clear an agenda for the over 65.  The Aegeism in Canada is affecting me. God fodder for self pity.  I don’t like the media coverage of government and like to say politics is 15th century and science is 22nd slice. Elon Musk just became a trillionaire and elevated a thousand of his company to millionaire stats.  The democrats politics want o take and distribute that money claiming that it wass a group action yet they mostly talk, complain and blame.

I see the Biblical government of Rome and Jerusalem and Christ and the Christians trying to make a positive change .  

Thank you God for discernment,  Thannk you God for coffee.  Let me be a doer not a stewer.

Thank you God for the up elevator, Thank you God for cleanilennss.  The Merry Maid cleaning ladies are coming today at noon.  I have to take the jeep in again on Friday. 

I’ve been subpoenaed as an expert witness but the are only offering to pay $20 

I’m bothered by financed these days, debt and cost and the idea of rich and poor.  Yet I’ve given little regard for this.  I continue to get by and progress but the future doesn’t look bright. I’m 10 years past retirement age traditionally and continue to serve because I like to. It’s good enough.  

I’m annoyed to hear so much complaint about health care and costs and delays.  I am prone to fear mongering and doom zooming but want to see the best I want to be optimistic,

I want to lose 50 lbs. I fasted on the weekend all day Sunday till Monday morning.  Weekly fasting and more exercise and lest snacking is what i need to do. More walking.  Now that’s what I need to do now. 

Thank you Jesus.