The scent, the beauty , the phenomenes, the laughter, and the incredible sex that there was never enough of. They couldn’t either. I had sex with one ‘sister of mercy’ to coin Leonard Cohen’s term a dozen times in a night since we’d only met that weekend and she was taking a flight to Africa the next day.
I liked that world. The creativity was amazing. Everyone was studying and sharing and being excited to share. I’ll never forget the day Fernand found Santana and had us gather around to hear ‘Black Magic Woman’. Our faces glowed with the encounter with Latin music. I remember as teen years before when my friend invited me over to hear his Rolling Stones album, and there we were in his living room with the stereo cranked up scream ‘Can’t get no Satisfaction’. Now years later we were counting out the sycopations to this glorious Latin. Soon the girls were swirling around the room lead by us guys in the wildest of Mambos. The choreographer became my wife and years passed in bliss.
Off work we were cycling and travelling and I felt I was good looking, dressed in jeans and tshirts from my family world of camping, hunting, fishing, canoeing and then thee debonair glamorous world of dance and theatre.
I would marry again and become a fly in doctor and the wife who was always loving and utterly beautiful became increasingly depressed and asexual. I’d thought we’d have children. I married to have children. And the children didn’t come and the years passed and the sex stopped and months went by and I’d been cuckolded. I knew women who had men on the side but then she’d done her thing and I mine and she wasn’t leaving so I did. Like her mother she was born to play the victim woman. All her girlfriends celebrating divorce and condemning men for being cowboys and expecting us to shave our beards. I remember the disdain I experienced when we were all expected to be like girls and they painted the homes pink and us guys lived in the basement or guarange.
I’d leave and be confused. The childhood sexual abuse and later rape as a man would return to haunt men and I’d wonder about my sexual identity. In therapy my masculinity was questioned as compensation. I learned to love Jung and the Shadow, anima and animus. I left the traditional home and left for the city.
Mom and Dad were thoroughly traditional, the greatest love story ever told, each other devoted to each other and the children and the family.
The women I met weren’t interested in children and liked to call themselves the ‘princess’. The sex was great. The fun was incredible, The red wine flowed and we smoked and little dope and the nurse did cocaine and thankfully I didn’t like it but then I’d be attracted to women who loved cocaine because they were sexually unrepressed on cocaine.
The only drugs I liked were nicotine and pot but I didn’t like wine, increasingly too much.
The men I became friends with were all hard drinking professionals with children and wives who did the traditional roles. I’d never known such support.
I was wife and husband. I did everything I’d been alone and my mother had taught me to cook and clean and my father had taught me to fix cars and shoot guns.
The women complained less if I did everything for them. Women did complain. But the ones who complained the most back then when we were drinking were the best in bed. Sex was so important till I was in my 40s’ and 50’s. I miss the head turning girls and the scent of perfumes or pheromes that stopped me in my walk.
I missed all the women I had between divorces and the fun we had. It was all perpetual adolescences and yet we work. Doctors, lawyers, executives, millionaires, waitresses, dancers, artists. Christian, Pagan, Hindu, Black, White, Brown, Yellow, Red, Long hair, girly girls, tomboy, bisexual, quiet, loud. God it was a wild time,
Then I stopped drinking and continued to sleep with a very few girls. I’d been monogamous for a couple of stretches of a decade at a time and then it was the one friend for decades and the one night stand with a woman or a man. I liked to wear skirts and kilts and later silks and enjoy the epicurean delights of overseas work with days off and a maginifcient hotel room and a person met in the cafe who helped pass an evening, rare as this was a decade ago.
Older I’ve preferred my own company. I became obsessed with sailing and with motorcycling. The long term intimate friend remained and friends didn’t care if I had long hair and painted nails.
I learned in my spiritual search I was a shamsn and that we healers were shapeshifters. I did whatever I could to cure a person, using the pychopharmacology of my chemistry trade but also studying herbs and native healing. I studied massage and hypnosis. I learned the philosophy and theory of the west and orient, did yoga and tai chi, trained under masters, and all the while prayered and meditated and healed and tried to heal the impossible. So many days I missed the easy cures , the times I was a gp when I was the first on the scene and the healing was easy. Later as a psychiatrist I loved the explorations and combined journeys of psychotherapy , the treasure hunts that unlocked the healing within , Then it was the non compliant, the nihilists and suicidal and the addicts of all kinds and the borderlinesx, sociopaths and psychopaths along with the schizophrenics and head injured.
I was told ‘it was just a job’ and remembered when I took an oath with a class and joined the calling.
I loved reading Jordan Perterson’s book ‘We who wrestle with God ‘ recently because I’d learned to join with another and fight their disease but increasing entered a realm where the disease was within us and to heal we much fight the beast within together. It was a little more than walking in another man’s moccasins.
The shaman spirit. The Druid. The healer.
“You should act like a doctor,” the young administrator doctor said to me as he didn’t realize he was dressed and acted like a lawyer. The power symbols were lost on him and he was scared and I was sad I’d frightened another. They are easy to tell They want to control. Control is their way of dealing with fear.”
I just want to be in the hotsprings with the girls. I liked the bikinis and the old and young. I like being pegged and laughed when a lesbian said, a penis is a very nice thing but unfortunately it’s attached to a man. I can relate. I have lots of male friends and we talk cars and sports and the last thing I’d want to do is go to bed with them but I can’t imagine any woman except the sick who would be fun to play with naked . Yet I realized decades ago I didn’t want to be naked with strang4rs and prefer intimacy with a friend.
I imagine if there had been children and the sex had not dried up or been used as a weapon I would have stayed married, I loved my father and have followed in his footsteps so often.
I once thought of a sex change but only because like Leonard Cohen “Iwanted a new face’. I am weary with the the men in suits, the suit being a replica of British military. I don’t like the robes. I think all men and women should wear gossamer silk and elastic body suits like the sci fiction wear of the future astronauts. I love looking at the clothed bodies men and women in neoprene. I liked the world of scuba diving.I could live on a beach.
I lived off the land weeks alone and sailed 30 days alone across the ocean. I love hugging men and women in clothes and enjoy the company of my dog,
It’s a joy and privilege to grow older and have the memories of women who were the rose of little prince and to be among men and women who were all royalty.
Namaste - the God in me salutes the God in you.
Jesus loves all all of the time. C.S. Lewis said don’t look for God in the wall. I am a spiritual being on a material path. This too will pass, I am in a paradise though it’s hard to appreciate it fully because the lens of my mind is dirty with ego and shame and envy and fear
I really ought to have joined a nudist colony. I’ve enjoyed them when I’ve spent days there but I do love fashion and enjoy the women and men who make such fun of art . I enjoy healing too. I enjoy serving, these days mostly the pharmaceutical industry and it’s multitude of wonders. I like being apart of the great industry a cog in the wheel, a prince among princes.
Thank you Jesus.
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