Journal - the rains return

I woke pissy.  The iPhone alarm went off and the phone fell of the side table. I reached down for it and turned it off.  

It’s Truth and Reconcilliation Day.  I remember ladies in our church all exited to be doing good, socializing with the savages and listening to the propaganda and sales pitches, husband’s long dead, children long gone, successful, needing a cause.

This year it’s antisemitism and the Palestinian’s.  Trudeau who wetted fantasies of pool boys has been passed over for the more sophisticated appearing con Carnie peddling his climate snake oil and raking in money from the Chinese communist Chinese peasant slavery.  Who cares if millions are killed.  The lobotomies remain to do the bidding of the leaders allied with other rich around the world gathered to protect their wealth with the maintenance of the status quo.  

I’m in a pissy mood.  I slept in.  This mood thing is disgusting. My brain will twist perception to despair with the flick of a neural switch.,

I must use gratitude and affirmations to resist the desire to suck the tit of despair. Memories of patients drinking toilet water and urinal water to get high.

I use both hands to close the door on yesterday. The false accusations, the betrayal, the lying psychopaths I left and carried on.  I carry on. Keep on truck. It’s just a journey. I’m a tourist.  I’m a spiritual being in a material world. This is God’s creation.  God is good all the time. That is the past. This is today.

I am lazy, I met with doctors and opened the crack on that chaos, the assault, the evil, the pure evil, the past. That vomit and piss in the road. 

Everyone made a big thing of her shitting in the bed.  I’d been there. She shit in the bed I made. She’d piss in the bed I’d made.  I’d clean. I’d manage appearances. Apologies for her.  Cocaine is a terrible drug.  I was drinking wine and smoking a reefer.

They psylicibin is good for depression.  I did mushrooms back then.  I remember Dr. O saying he’d get a symptom for any drug he wanted to try.  

I have a resentment.  He plays it cool. Superficial. Inauthentic. A hollow man. T.S. Elliot would write of him. I’m here doin the work and everyone else is playing their cards close to their chest.  The women never make amends to the men. Their concern is their children, Systemic predjudice and the lawyers and politicians turn woman and against man and anyone else they can instigate for profit.

But it’s all you God. I’ve just read Dr. Jordan Peterson’s “We who wrestle with God”.  And yes Buber is right and Jesus and Jung.  There’s just me and another.  Us.  You are my shadow.  Melanie’s withholding mother is bad and the giving breast is good.  The dichotomy made flesh with the breath or the gene that gives the triangle and spiral.

The mathematics in music.  

I see the sun has come up.  Like is better to my mind with light.  

I watered the plant and spoke to it.  I must name it. I left the plant with Nicolina and she returned it greener saying it likes it’s feet wet.  It was outside under the table where it seemed happy but now is inside hanging from the ceiling.  

I fed the dog.  He was eating his dried food.  He does that. So I emptied the last of it and cleaned his bowl and put out some fresh new Go dried dog food.  He nibbled.  

I let him out for a minute to pee. I was dressed in the sleeveless black sleeve I wear in the evenings and last night slept in.  One piece comfort.  I showered and washed my hair yesterday so could today., I mostly shower daily. In this new motorhome the stall is smaller and the hot water tank too so that unlike the Fuzion I don’t ‘languish’ in the shower as I did then,  The hot tub here no longer has jets so I spend less time there too. 

I have an errand to run to drop off papers at the clinic down town.  I see some blue sky so could consider a Vespa run taking the dog on the back.

Laura looks at the weather each day. I might do that because sunny skies uplift me.  Watching the weather is more appealing than the news.  Watching politicians these days in Canada is like watching cartel and gang leaders in wife beater shirts discussing criminal deals like dons in Vegas.  So sordid.

But that is God and my Shadow and the Other. I’m no saint.  I need to be forgiving.  Those ‘trauma’s’ of the past, rape, drugged, held hostage, threats, falsely accused.

I’m enjoying the Jan 6 replay given that the media coverage was so alien to what was happening that day.  They’re charging the White House, the news man screamed and I was watching a man in a wheel chair with another walking to them.  The same occurred with that weapon Trudeau and the Freedom convoy , all the lies and by contrast the celebration of terrorist while abusing working middle class Canadians.  

Now our leader aligns us with communist dictator XiJinPing and plays the ‘Hate Trump”  song like they did the “Hate Harper’ song.  I even saw a guy on face book well paid no doubt by liberals to say that the shortages in health care were caused by Harpers.  You can’t make this stuff up. The liberals and democrats will blame Neanderthals next calling them racist and fascist.

I’m making another coffee.  The dog is due a walk.  The sun is drying the canvas awning of the neighbour.

Peter and Larry are back along with Bella and Luka.  I’m looking forward to a dog walk with the three friends.  

I phoned Michael. I was thinking of him fondly and actually made the effort to pick up the phone 

I also phone Ron but there was no way to leave a message at their clinic

I phoned Telus because I was concerned about not getting the voicemail to text but I am . It turns out the iPhone 17 has a ‘unified’ and ‘classic’ mode so I just needed to presss ‘classic’ button so I can see whose called without going through all the calls.  

Yesterday I got the Garmin Inreach Mini satelittle messaging working so I don’t need my satellite phone. Alone in the woods I can text or send SOS and let Laura know my location.

I brought out my hamm radio and charged it.  I found another hamm with a few other options , something like 6 in 1 which I got when I took the hamm course. I have a VHF here too but not the charger . I found these radios in the storage locker when I went to get gear for next weeks hunt.  I have the black winter coat but think I may need a blaze orange.Normally I wear camo but this makes me look like a bear.  I have an orange toque. 

More blue sky.  Thoughts of hair net and shower coming on with second coffee.

I’m sure this neighbour saw me in my black sleeve letting the dog pee. I don’t care so much what he thinks but I thought of the couple next to him. She’s a beautiful younger woman stylish and the two seem wealthy while he looks unnattractive in a physical sense. We’re all old with pot bellies and also so few have a Hollywood look. I feel if I wear a skirt, no mattter how conservative I’m ridiculous. I’m not but I have this sense of ‘shame’ or ‘fear of being judged’ wearing skirts. Yet there have been times I wore kilts and jean skirts and even cross dressed in public. Now I’m lacking confidence or perhaps its the back lash against the radical trans leftist movement and the drag queen story hour. I agreed. Leave the kids alone and belonged to WPATH and felt that kids should wait till teens and children shouldn’t take hormone blockers. Yet there was the solidarity in the community with the the extreme it’s competing in woman’s sports.  Not fighting back with women are taking lawyer positions but claiming trans women are ‘biological females’ which they are not.  

I’m a lazy cross dresser and getting weary of the ‘role’ of ‘professional man’ and like the world of fashion and arts which had such Colour and variety.  I like the terms ‘au drab’ and ‘au femme’ and feel the later is ‘fun’.I’m rebelling against the seriousness of gender.  

Meanwhile I’m remembering reading ‘denial of death’ and people are asking if WWIII is coming.  Yet they don ‘t realize that Iran, China and Communists and Moslems were the aggressors wanting to ‘win and ‘take over’ and all the anti America rant is part of that polarity.

And I’m here playing peek a boo with Jesus and want to be back playing with teddy bears. I’m good with guns and I save lives and I am so highly trained and skilled and I don’t want more power but would like my motorhome paid off more. I really am just focusing on serving in my work but looking forward to my expedition south and the hot springs of Fountain of Youth.  

I continue to pay my bills and taxes.

I think nothing is happening and I’m not doing anything but this year I drove to Ottawa and Spokane conference and attended the world conference. Buying this motorhome I love and changing from the RV to this was a really big deal.  It’s been a learning curve with driving out for maintenance and camping. I’m preparing for another thousands of mile travel in this big machine with glitches like the Ford A/C.  I’ve solved the carrying my Vespa with me hitch issue and have even got my Camper and Truck and Quad out hunting grouse this fall.  I’ve kept up with continuing education and now am rocking and reeling from one clinic closing and transferring half my work to the other clinic.

I’ve not lost weight. That seems a holding pattern but i am actually exercising in addition to walking the dog 4-5000 steps most days.  I’m meditating and going to church and meetings so I’m managing.  

I’m not in the pissy mood I was waking and sleeping in.  Time to get dressed and out.  I’ve laundry to pick up and files to drop off and think with the blue sky I can do it on my Vespa or I could take the mini. If I had more money I’d trade the mini in for a Maverick. For now I need the F350 for the camper but I no longer need it to tow the Fuzion.  I imagine downsizing next year.I don’t need the maverick till then . It’s what I can dinghy tow after the Thor and carry my Harley . For now this all works for this year’s excursion south.

When I’m whining I am thinking of my desire to go to Venice, Vienna and Berlin.  I think 3 weeks with a medical conference in the next couple of years. I also have to finish the books.

I think the Psychiatry and Spirituality book would be a good thing.  Also I could sell it and hopeful get tax breaks and travel breaks with it.  

I fantasize about living beside a dog friendly medical library, going each day for several hours, writing the book with wifi and internet and some hard tombs.  I imagine some third world place would give me that in exchange for a couple of hours of rounds. I imagine parking my motorhome at the asylum so I expect the place would have to be in North, South or Central America with an English library.  Fantasies.  

I’m ready to move and perhaps Madigan will poop. I walked him twice yesterday in the rain but he didn’t poop. He marked his territory with his piddles, 2 by the door and by the bedroom, like magic messages.  I’m a shaman but the official scientific titles conceal the spiritual back ground. Healer yes. 

I really must get up. My coffee is finished and a shower with my hair kept dry for be a step forward.  

Thank you Jesus. Thank you God. Thank you Holy Spirit. Thank you God.  You are my Cato to the Pink Panther. I would reprogram our relationship. Thy will be done.  I fear you’ve given me the desires of my adolescence. I’ve had a life of excitement, thrill and wonder. I’m blessed and grateful. Thank you God for all . Please protect Madigan and I as we travel about on errands today and keep the Borg at a distance.  Thank you Lord for my health and mobility and sight. Thank you for my senses.  Thank you for autum and the sunshine and blue sky today.