Dialogue

I wanted to meet him but what if he rejected me. What if she thought I was unnatractive. What if my confidence wavered and he saw me as a loser. What if she had better options, mor attentive lovers. I could wait for Godoy indefinitely too wondering if they’d been watching me and were hiding hoping I would go away. There were so many possibilities now that the war was over. I had thought to use the radio even but even though the outside was inviting were they just wanting to cannibalize me. parasites and food. Soul suckers. I feared being taken. But this might be God and St. Peter did promise. The devil was there to hear the conversation. Sysyphus was always listening and Prometheus had a stake in it too. She said she wanted to meet. The past was a mask and we’d be reborn but betrayal always was a possibility. It was 1984. Kafka was in the castle. Camus was in the trial. Sommerset Maughams characters were talking empire on the deck of a tramp steamer. One of the sailors had known Byron. It was all years ago. Before now. I really didn’t know and was afraid. I am always afraid and put on a good show. There were so many bullies. Not surprising I thought of ending it. I proved repeatedly that I wasn’t suicidal. All those poisons I collected. All the medications. It was never serious. I was sad but not in despair. I was depressed but not melancholic. I’ve always been burdened. He did say he wanted to meet me. She wanted to be my friend. I wanted to walk home carrying my books alone. There is always fear. It’s just a matter of facing it. Heaven isn’t going anywhere soon.