Let go and let God

Thy Will Be Done.  Let Go and Let God.
These are essentially statements of trust in the universe. They represent belief in an all loving God. When I pray ‘harder’ I acknowledge that I don’t really trust God to do what I want in a particular situation.  I’m not saying it’s wrong to pray harder. I wail, whine, cry, beg.  I’m like a child with his mother in a supermarket beside the sugar sweet breakfast cereal. I have temper tantrums with my God.
That’s because our relationship is that way.  Parent child and frankly ask my now deceased father and mother and they’d say I wasn’t a particularly good child. I was a difficult child according to teachers.  I was even called a genius when I wasn’t being call a whole lot of other names. So no doubt God feels the same.  My mother and father loved me.  And God loves me and I am praying harder.
But with a little maturity in my prayer life. I end the keening with , alright, you know what I want, now You God, You decide what is best.  I don’t think in such a way that God is going to do what I don’t want. I think God will give me exactly what I need when I need it.  I may well be praying for something harmful and God will respond to the deeper desire that I have to live well.  Thy Will Be Done.
There’s a matter of acceptance there too. There’s a willingness to work with natural and spiritual laws.  I also know that having prayed I must accept that God has heard me and is acting on my behalf.  No doubt there are competing agendas.  The joke goes that God answers all prayers but sometimes the answer is ‘no’.  Praise and gratitude help.  I tend to snivel and wallow in self pity, a real incorrigible baby so it is better if I’m positive and hopeful and having faith.  It just goes with confidence in God.  That little shit I am in side full of catastrophising and gloom and doom doesn’t make anything better. It makes it worse.
Mostly.
Sometimes it really is right to cry out, why have you forsaken me.  Maybe not in the supermarket by the sugar coated breakfast cereal. But there is a place.  St. Paul said ‘pray unceasingly’ so I figure there’s never ’too much’ prayer.  Prayer is a kind of conversation too for me.
What should I do? Is this what you want me to do? How can I be of most service?  What is it I should be doing.? How can I be more helpful?
I doubt a lot.  I’m self questioning all the time.  I am trying to hear the ‘wee small voice of God’ .  But I’m also looking for loop holes. I’m pretty sure that there is a ’straight and narrow path’ but like the poet Frost I’m often taking the ‘road less travelled.’  I don’t think there is any ‘wrong’ road.  I believe God is all loving and that our pain comes from our poor decisions and refusal to change our ways.  There are also lessons I have created for myself, challenges that I have put before myself to grow in some way that I really don’t quite comprehend till I’m on the other side of the obstacle.  So often these challenges have been the most rewarding times in my life and times of great growth.  Yet like friend, I tell God, I”ve had enough personal growth opportunities could we just skip to the beach scenes.  Yet the bed. white sheets and nurses and morphine come at the end as a kind of beach scene. I don’t want that yet.
So then I’m afraid that I’ve not quite told lGod what I wanted. Obsessively I then talk to god like he is some kind of clerk taking an order and I have to get the wording just right or he’ll give me death rather than a little time on a southern beach.
Parents psychologically are not mother or father but an amalgam, mother and father making up ‘PARENT”.  God is both mother and father.  More like grandmother/grandfather but closer.  All loving.  Omniscient. Omnipresent.
God within me, god around me, God above and below me, God everywhere and everything.  Be with me now. Show me. Guide me. Protect me. Help me.  Strengthen me.  Thank you.