Outside there is rain. I've planned to visit the Batu Caves. A Hindu and Buddhist shrine of ancient days. When men and women built statures to God, not of God as the idolatrists would proclaim. I write a poem for my lover and the poem is not an idol but an offering. There were artists paid to celebrate the highest ideals their people could conceive.
Meditating I think of love and us and you and me. We are one. Namaste. Jesu, becomes 'yes - you' , the sound of the name that means God Within and God Will Come Again. Messiah. Creator. Centre.
Yogananda comes to mind. "Saints of all religion, I bow to you all".
I believe that all Roads Lead to Rome and that there is but one up elevator and one down elevator.
I had fleeting fears for today. Remembrances of muggings in strange countries. The Mexican man who pointed the gun in my face, the gang of soldier trained muggers surrounding me in Athens, stealing my gold cross from the chain around my neck, chasing me as I ran. The shame of failures in life come to mind. I have survived and thrived but I am always reminded or reminding myself of the inadequacies I know, even now as an older man. I think of facing colleagues and worry I'll see pity in their eyes, yet know that this is fantasy. I was once poor and alone and disgraced. What I did was right and true but it was wrong as well. Still I don't know what is right and wrong in the recesses of my brain where memories lie like fallen trees, manure for the plants that have since grown.
I feel the loss of my mother and father and family members who have gone before me. Death is the great unknown. It is in that which lies our fear. As a biker I had the skull imprinted on my leather clothing to remind me on my Harley of the risk of speed. Looking back I've a life of counter phobia. It would be so easy to hide inside, never go outside. Close up the wall, fill the moat, and pull in the draw bridge. I have my armour and my sword. I will face you back to the wall in the inner chamber, I despair.
Then God is Love and God is with me wherever I go with promises and faithfulness and grace and gratitude. I pray that God be closer and that I be more of what I can be. I believe I can crawl like a snake or stand and walk like a man. I would fly, the truth be known. But only God can give me wings. I would be a kite held by his hand. I would glide with his air beneath my wings.
There is love in chemistry and holiness in physics. I laugh at the song in politics , the music of motion that dances in the mingling of strangers and being of others. I am alone in a multitude and wonderment.
Let me do Thy will today, Lord. But first I must wash and shave. Then there is the dressing, the modern day armour of fashion, and backpack with its host of communication and photography tools. I am on a reconnaissance mission. I don't know what I'm looking for, really. Some deeper meaning, some experience that is more permanent and positive, a step up the rung, an uplifting, a friend, a lover, a smile, or caress, or ideas that innovate, a prayer, a new phrase of praise. I don't know. It's more than what is here. In my room alone meditating I know the calm and silence and hear God's words but he says, like my Mother did, Billy, don't stay inside all day. You can't read your life away. Go outside and play.
I've a day of play. Tomorrow I'm in school again, learning, studying, listening, comparing, asking questions and hoping I'll not be incontinent, wet myself or soil myself, or gain the attention of a bully, or be expelled or strapped or studied. I will seek social camouflage. Promise myself to secrecy and privacy and then forget and blurt out something. I'm notorious for the inane. I see things differently. I hear things differently. I'm frightened by group think. I'm afraid.
But God is love and God is always with you. God is here and will be there. There is nothing to fear but fear itself. Go now. Get ready. Wash, dress, breakfast and go outside and play. I'll be there with you. You are not alone.
God is great. God is good. God is all.
Salamat Datang.
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