Times of divorce have been devastating. The person you most trusted stabs you in the back no doubt feeling you're stabbing them in the back. Whatever. Those have been incredibly awful times with accompanying financial, personal and reputation punishments of the first order. I've had all my assets frozen a couple of times, been out of work, hardly able to think with the grieving and loss of love.
I remember writing once, that a 'broken heart to a psychiatrist was like broken hands to a surgeon." Doing the 'right' thing I've left work. I didn't want to hurt anyone. Meanwhile the psychiatrists who didn't let anything stand in the way of 'their work' were lauded. Great humans. Pattons of psychiatry.
I had a resentment about that. The lie. Doctor heal thyself. Doctors are punished big time for being sick. Gods aren't supposed to be human but don't act or expect to be treated like a God either, just be there and be perfect or you'll be punished.
What I still hate is the ease my mind slips back into the darkness of dark days of ancient pasts.
Today I don't have those kinds of problems.
My problem today was what to do with my Saturday. I had heat, clothing, food, shelter and simply had a day I wanted to maximize in value. It was a 'support' day, most days serving that functions, these days.
I have a sense that work is the 'front lines' and most of my life outside work is a support function to that. In a way I've become a 'human worker' rather than a human 'being' but the fact is there's only lip service paid to 'being' in society today. One mistake or a month or two of illness and everyone is in serious difficulty in the hard pressed 'middle classes' carrying the major burden of society.
Somewhen the weekend was an endless thing rather than a time before return to work after a week or work.
It's a glorious thing. I've autonomy on weekends even if there's so much support work. I made myself eggs for breakfast. We must care for our bodies if we are to work. Our money comes because we are 'worker units' . There's no money for 'being'. Should there be? It's a mute question. Right now I'm supporting with taxes all those on blue collar or white collar welfare and I'm pretty lucky that I can afford to drop off my laundry. Clearly I could save by sitting there doing it but what I really want is a washer dryer in my home. That's a true luxury. I've never had an apartment with such a commodity even at $1200 a month for one bed rooms. God what a luxury a washer drier would be!! But I have a drop off launderer. I can't just throw dirty clothes in the laundry. When I owned my own home I did that. But now I carry this heavy bag to the car, make the time for drop off, and later pick it up.
I fried eggs for breakfast. I carried my groceries home and wished for a servant. There are people who eat out all the time. I rarely do. If I do it's a fast food place. Mostly that's because I have the blessing of Gilbert and fine restaurants don't allow dogs at the table. We both think the discrimination is offensive and that its ridiculous that I pay taxes for a uniformity of health laws that doesn't allow a 'dog friendly restaurant ' to exist in a country supposedly advanced and free.
I've not taken to the streets and 'occupied' some government buildings with other dog owners to 'protest' the discrimination against us but it's crossed my mind. Instead I probably save money with more work and time eating mostly at home with Gilbert. There's no delivery to where I live but we do get take out.
What a luxury delivery is! I lived in so many places where delivery pizza wasn't possible. There weren't numbers or road signs so no one could deliver. I love delivery pizza. It's truly one of the wonders of the world. I also like take out chinese. I can still take out. This is a luxury too. Kentucky Fried is one of Gilbert and my favourites.
That was all occasioned by the memory I fried eggs for breakfast and left the pan in the sink.
Now it's later in the day. I've just bought red snapper at this fabulous fish place on Lonsdale and I know I'm going to have to wash the frying pan before I can make dinner. I might have to fill up the water tank to do this. I left the heaters on and it's warm there now.
Right now though I'm sitting outside having a coffee and writing here in North Vancouver knowing the sun is coming back. I shared earlier the virgins can rest easy. No sacrifices will be necessary. It's definitely getting warmer and the sun is going to return without the sacrifices that once were considered necessary.
I've been a bit miffed recently that the 'noble savage' is rearing it's head again, this time not with white man but with First Nations folks wanting the 'old days' back forgetting the lack of insect repellant, 40 year life expectancy, lack of birth control, intertribal war, sacrifice, starvation, cannibalism and definitely high infant death.
Meanwhile personally, not to be outdone, I am nostalgic for the old noble Scottish tribal days when one only had to worry about the sheep. With all the complexity of modern life it would be nice to just blame everything on the British or the Campbells. I'd love to think paranoid like the communists, racists, fanatics and all those who dichotomize the world in good and bad. I'd like a common enemy. I almost got angry about the 'bankers' and the 'jews' but I've got banker friends and they're great people and the jews I know aren't bankers but pretty okay everyday folk too.
I want a target. I also want a Meteora. Where' s a Christian supposed to get away these days. Where can anyone have a monastery. The Chinese invaded Tibet.
Meanwhile all I've got a cadillac problems. I have a 50 hp motor which I bought with the money I got from selling one of my motorcycles. I don't have a boat to put it on and the boats I liked at the boat show aren't rated for a 50 hp motor. One will take a 20 and one will take a 30. So I'm not even going there. I figure God will sort out my dilemna and when the time is right the right boat will appear.
I've been sharing my boat decision "woe" with my friends and getting absolutely no sympathy. That's the problem with cadillac problems. Nobody cares. Some guy with cancer gets all the understanding. What treatment he should have is a topic of consideration among friends and doctors but there I am generally laughed at when I'm mulling about which boat to get to go with the 50 hp motor. Life is a bitch.
Yet most people in Canada have mostly cadillac problems. I was in the scuba diving store looking at the new dry suit because I've got fat and my neoprene dry suit constricts. So there I am with another cadillac problem, go on a diet, give up diving or get another dive suit. Obviously I should exercise but that's what I wanted to get back into scuba diving for. Right.
Notice how cadillac problems have this twist. I could just go for more walks with Gilbert and he'd be pleased.
So that's what I've been doing. I've been thinking bout these monumental decisions all the while I've been out getting a battery for a watch, dog food and dinner. I did drop off some of my boat awning for repair but the other chores I had couldn't be completed because the stores were closed .
I actually had the top down on my sportscar for half the day as Gilbert and I drove about listening to Christian rock on the Message. I 'suffered' doing chores on a sunny Saturday in Vancouver while the rest of Canada is surviving a blizzard. No one sympathized.
Now any smart person would not share his cadillac problems. Cadillac problems, like should I take a vacation in Mexico or Hawaii, which house to buy, whether to have more children, which movie to go to , whether to buy a dog or not aren't really 'problems'.
People have these 'cadillac problems' but mostly they're not problems. These are gifts and blessings. What dress to wear or which shirt to wear is the talk of luxury.
I'm so blessed and thankful for all the privilege and joy I know. I even took some DVD movies back I'd bought and was given new ones half price in exchange. What a rush. Normally I just give these away or store them for a night at anchor to view again.
I've got a whole bunch of books I've read once and many I've yet to read. I've cans of food stockpiled in the bilge. I'm blessed. I'm thankful for all this but wonder if I shouldn't be a missionary doctor in Africa or would they better need a mercenary.
Am I doing what God wants me to do. Am I best utilized doing my laundry. With all my training and expertise should I not be focussing my attention on solving the world's problems or is it just okay to sit here with Gilbert writing nonsense on a Vancouver street thankful that I'm off the firing line. For this moment I'm pretty much at peace.
I tried to go to church earlier today but the door was locked so I went to starbucks instead. The other church I was going to go into was having some huge celebration. I liked Rome for the amazing number of churches and places to pray. Here I ' m praying on the street.
I almost walked around Stanley Park. I 'd actually planned to go cross country skiing yesterday. I was going to drive up to the olympic park by Whistler and take Gilbert but I got sidetracked by 'chores' and thought I'd rather go scuba diving. Now I've got to get my BCG checked out . I wanted to go swimming too but don't like leaving Gilbert in the car. Gilbert's factored into everything I do.
I miss growing up days when dogs could be left in the back of trucks and thieves didn't roam the streets laughing at the law. Criminals generally consider the judges their bitch, these days. There's no respect.
I romanticize the past thinking it was different but there were criminals then too and criminals never respected judges or the law. A bitch was a female dog then. I'd like to have Rockwell glasses and a Hallmark mind.
Right now I'm doing pretty good. Gilbert is watching the street and I'm sitting here musing about nothing. My feet hurt a bit. It's chilly but in no other city in Canada could anyone be outside typing nonsense. Pretty incredible. A February day in Canada and I had the top down on the sports car.
I love spring. I'm looking forward to riding my motorcycle, I think. They scare me a bit but if I give into my fears I 'll be afraid to leave my bed. Fetal positions are so comforting. I want to cocoon but somehow I get out there.
I was rambling talking to a young man today in a store and thought I was becoming one of 'those'. Old guy , reminiscing. I was looking at a young woman too with someone who was probably her mother but looked like her grandmother. I worried the girl catching me looking at her was going to try and set me up with the grey haired fox. No doubt the fox would have been far more interesting.
I looked at a crowd and saw a guy who I figured must be my age and we were definitely older than most everyone else in the mall. It made me look more kindly at the even older person with the cane. I think of that more these days. I sometimes long to go home too. I want the Rapture but then I've not learned the bagpipes and learning the bagpipes is definitely on my bucket list. Gilberts got another 15 year or so in him so I know he needs me otherwise I might just wander off. I respect the folk who go on walk abouts. It was once only an Australian thing. I loved Steinbecks "Travels with Charley."
Tomorrow I'll go to church and another week will begin. This week is pretty much at it's end. Even this day is winding down. Darkness on the streets, more lights on.
Thank you God for a good day. Thank you especially for Gilbert. He's a great friend. Thanks for coffee and coffee shops and Vancouver and the weather today. Thank you for batteries and little typing machines too. Thanks for wandering rambling thoughts and thecadillac problems. Especially thanks for cadillac problems. Thanks for my family, my past, my mentors, my parents, all the wonderful people you've put in my life. the adventures, the good times and the bad times, all of it Lord, thank you.
Thanks for Saturday and thanks for Cadillac Problems.
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