Friday, October 23, 2009
1. Dress professionally. For men this is a 3 piece suit with tie, preferrably a tuxedo. Golf shirts are now out. Women should wear burkas. The transition to this apparel will be gradual and will begin with pant suits and otherwise total body covering. No cleavage or legs and certainly no 'tight' burkas. There is no aggreement on what is "professional" however it is understood that there are those who are dressing 'unproprofessionally'. Possibly tattoos. Possibly earrings and other piercings. Shorts have to my mind always been unprofessional and men wearing shorts will be summarily dismissed. Clearly those who object to long hair on men and short hair on women will be more likely to define 'professional' and their complaints will hold the greatest sway. Possibly the "hidden majority" could express themselves regarding the continued militarization of society and the insecurity of the class structures that demand rigid codes of dress. That said, if our colleagues were going to work in underwear , we'd be expected to do the same, so we should be thankful. God forbid though we're increasingly being expected to dress like politicians and used car salesmen.
2. Behave appropriately. There is no clear definition of appropriate and all are guilty until proven innoscent in the court room of political correctness and popularity however being 'appropriate' is critical to be professional. When the leader says kill we must chant kill in unison and if he says peace we must chant peace in unison. As King Lear pointed out this 'courtly' behaviour is wholly dependent on proximity to the throne and those who are most stylishly appropriate in all things are those most courtly. Note that substance is out and superficiality is in. Think media and sound bites. Rich are appropriate. Powerful are appropriate. Poor are innappropriate. Weak are innappropriate. America is appropriate. Africa is innappropriate. First world is appropriate. Third world is innappropriate. Urban is appropriate. Rural is innappropriate etc. I'm appropriate. You're innappropriate. You get the picture.
3. Don't talk about sex, ask about sex, mention sex, or even treat sex. Sex is out. Out. Out. Out. All women to be seen by women and lesbians by lesbians and all men by men and homosexuals by homosexuals. Otherwise you risk complaint. No sex, please, we're English. Don't touch genitals. Don't look at genitals. Don't discuss genitals. It is better for patients to die of breast cancers with unexamined breasts, pelvic cancers for unexamined pelvis, rectal cancer for unexamined rectums and kill themselves keeping the secret of their sexual abuse or rape,impotence or sexual addiction than that a professional risk his income and career and reputation by having a sex discussion. Thinking about sex is bad. Talking about sex is evil and doing anything sexual is harrassment. Indeed the smart professional will hence forth self castrate male and female and gay and run out of the room if anyone mentions sex within a hundred mile radius.
If sexual discussion is inevitable there must be chaperones. Chaperones are special paid and trained individuals who must be taught to watch the genitals and other sexual parts while professionals look elsewhere and touch elsewhere. A special screen with a hole for examination will be required in every examination room. Further there will be no direct converation between clients and professionals of different sexual preference but rather there will be person of the same sexual preference who can relay communication of the profession to the vulnerable one so that sensitivity will be maintained.
As one radical feminist pointed out, the laws of political correctness are indeed Victorianism but for the right reasons. It's not just that women must be protected but men must be too. And don't forget the children.
All professionals are rabid sex crazed psychopaths and the public must be protected from sexual congress among themselves as well as discussing even that with professional. Discussing sex is unprofessional even for sexual professional. It doesn't matter that most professionals are too old or too burnt out for sex and frankly bored by sexual conversations, the law of the 'ends against the middle' prevails and a homeland security units will be necessary soon to accompany and protect every client from the potential sexual advances on all professional visits. The war against drugs may have been lost and no weapons of mass destruction found but the war against professionals must soon begin to employ all the personnell left over from previous silly engagements.
Sex is out. Out. Out. Out. Meanwhile while it's 'innappropriate' and "unprofessional" to discuss sex, and anything related to fertility, reproduction and especially passion, it's highly encouraged to discuss euthanasia, abortion and death. Sex for pleasure is out too. Indeed anything remotely sexual is out even if it's a lotus blossom or cucumber. We are no longer alive culture but a dead culture.Death is in, Sex is out, out, out, out!!!
No sex please, we're English, well multi cultural Canadian and sensitive to everything but sex.
In French Quebec sex however is okay, encouraged even, and those who do not act or do anything sexual are considered behaving in an English manner and are promptly investigated by the French cultural police.
No jokes. Sexual jokes are certainly out. Warrants will hence forth be issued for examination of all professional hard drives on suspicion of sexual humor while of course confidentiality must be maintained by the professional. Hard drives obtained for sexual purposes will of course be scanned confidentially for all other purposes.
Don't laugh. Laughter is unprofessional. We're watching you. Yes, you. And no we're not looking at your genitals. Our chaperones are doing that. So be professional and act appropriate and bend over. What we're doing is not sexual. It's just inevitable, so you might as well enjoy it. We're already doing it to your clients.